my life

thoughts and wisdom

2009-05-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

I found this weekly wisdom on a great site that I visit frequently, and wanted to share it b/c it holds so much truth.

I always feel compelled to share my inner struggles with others, b/c that is being honest about MY true self. Not to necessarily call attention to it, but to show others that we all have our issues we battle!

It is easy to sit back and judge anothers situations, decisions, lifestyle etc, but that is NOT my job. I think I forget too quickly how it feels to have my face on the other side of judging finger.

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
John 15:12-13 (NIV)

Copyright 2009 ChristNotes
***What advertising agencies do for their clients, we're called to do for Christ.
You've probably heard these slogans: "Just do it," "Drivers wanted," and "It's everywhere you want to be." And you've almost certainly heard of Nike, Volkswagen, and Visa; however, you probably have never heard of the advertising agencies that coined those slogans: Wieden & Kennedy; Arnold Communications; and Batten, Barton, Durstine & Osborn.
In a lot of ways, we're supposed to be like those advertising agencies. We are called to proclaim the name of Jesus to the entire world; we're not called to proclaim the name of our denomination, our ministry, our church, or our pastor.

Compare how often you talk about your church or your pastor versus how often you talk about Jesus.
When unbelievers see Christianity, I can't help but wonder how many of them simply see a bunch of denominations fighting about petty issues: Contemporary vs. traditional worship? Drums and guitar vs. organ and hymns? Powerpoint slides vs. hymn book? Jeans and tee-shirt vs. suit and tie?

Instead, wouldn't our testimony to the world be so much better if, with one voice, we proclaimed "Jesus!"? In Romans 15:9, Paul writes, Therefore I will praise you among the Gentiles; I will sing hymns to your name. Paul's singular focus was on making the name of Jesus known throughout the world.

It's not about your church, your ministry, your Bible study, your small group, or your denomination. Your single focus should be on shouting the name of Jesus to all peoples. Your life should be a walking advertisement for the hope, peace, and joy that's available to all people in Christ.***

WOW, impacting and true!
Be a blessing....
-april

My book....ahhh completion!

2009-05-08T19:42:00.000-07:00

I am so beyond excited! I got my full manuscript back from the 2nd editor, and I have made all the corrections and I have just a few more little finishing touches, and it is DONE!

Next is title and cover, but those are just the icing on the cake! I really cannot believe that I am finally here. Me and Andy were talking about it last night, and I asked him to honestly tell me if he thought I would ever finish this, and he said no. I agree with him. I may have been working on this for 10 years, but it was never the right time.

God has done some amazing work in my life, and to Him I dedicate it all! Without His loving and protective grace I would not be typing these words! I hope to use this book to help glorify His name, and allow people to see through my story that it is Never to late...God is always waiting on us.

I am nervous (just a little) b/c I am very exposed and raw in my story, but I believe if I wasn't there would be no point at even writing it. I want to be real. I want people to feel each emotion, I don't sugar coat it. Not one bit. I am sure it may make some people angry, but this is MY story. This was how it felt to that little girl (me).

Anyway...i am just over the moon knowing it has finally come full circle! Thanks to all of you that have continued to pray and encourage me...hugs to you all. You all will be the first to know as soon as I get it ready to release!!

My husband....there are no words. I would not have had the courage to get all those police reports, and read them without you. Thank you for trying to protect me...thank you for sticking by my side and showing me how much our Heavenly Father can change us. Without your support I would have never finished this on top of everything else...I love you!
This verse came to my mind as I thought of my “seasons” of life....

For everything there is a season,And a time for every matter under heaven:A time to be born, and a time to die;A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;A time to kill, and a time to heal;A time to break down, and a time to build up;A time to weep, and a time to laugh;A time to mourn, and a time to dance;A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;A time to seek, and a time to lose;A time to keep, and a time to throw away;A time to tear, and a time to sew;A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;A time to love, and a time to hate,A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Love to you all-
A

Awesome insight

2009-04-20T20:08:00.000-07:00

Fail to bring your cares to God, and you are not only saying, "I don't need you" but also, "I don't want you around right now. I'm busy dealing with this problem." As is so often the case, Jesus provides us with the example.

Then Jesus brought them to an olive grove called Gethsemane, and he said, "Sit here while I go on ahead to pray." He took Peter and Zebedee's two sons, James and John, and he began to be filled with anguish and deep distress. He told them, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and watch with me." He went on a little farther and fell face down on the ground, praying, "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine." (Matthew 26:36-39)

Let's first take note of the fact that the night before His greatest trial and suffering, Jesus wants nothing more than to spend time with the Father. Though He must be weary and worn out as His disciples are, there is no greater priority for the Lord than to pray. But what is perhaps more surprising is that Jesus is asking for something He knows He cannot have. When Jesus asks, "Let this cup be taken from me", He is perfectly aware that it is the Father's will for Him to proceed, so why even ask? Jesus speaks these words not to seek a result, but simply to express His anguish and anxiety.

Jesus is not asking for a reprieve; He is asking for comfort. Just as we must do, Jesus is asking His father to be with Him, support Him and give Him the strength to endure what must be done. This is the pattern our prayers must follow. Tell the Lord everything you need and share with Him every care and worry that is on your mind. Don't seek a resolution, but seek God instead and you will receive peace and comfort, along with God's best solution thrown in for free.

It almost certainly won't be the solution you had in mind, and it may not be easy to endure, but it will be the right solution in the long run. --"Delve into Jesus: Devotional (BibleGateway)

Be a blessing and Serve

2008-09-11T19:39:00.000-07:00

Luke 17:9-10 9Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? 10So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.' "

Well, I should be studying for my finals, doing laundry, working on my book…etc! But I needed to blog…my release and reflection on what God has shown me today.

Me and Andrew had the opportunity to fill in for a couple that usually serve at the Rescue Mission once a month to serve meals. With how hectic life has been, I somewhat faltered when Andrew brought it up, but then I quickly realized that is another opportunity to serve others and show them Christ.

What an unbelievably humbling experience that was. I tried very hard not to show pity, b/c they still need to feel they have self worth. I won’t say it was easy. It broke my heart, but also was a reality check on how many things we all take for granted every day. Driving to the grocery, actually having money to BUY groceries. And how many times do I pull into the gas station just for a fountain pop? So much waste.

I also was able to see what not being able to break cycles, and chains of addiction can do if unresolved. When we feel alone it is easy to turn inward, but we must let our prides go and reach out. That one took me a long time to figure out!

I want my children to experience what I did. It killed me to see young kids coming through there. Survivors. I get it; I was them at one time.

I encourage everyone to take a moment out of your life, and serve even if it is only that one time. It will help to humble you and put your life into a perspective that tends to get lost in the hustle and bustle of our busy lives.

Serving God
by
Max Lucado
On one side stands the crowd.
Jeering, baiting, demanding.
On the other stands a peasant.
Swollen lips. Lumpy eye. Lofty promise.
One promises acceptance,
The other a cross.
One offers flesh and flash,
The other offers faith.
The crowd challenges, “follow us and fit in.”
Jesus promises, “follow me and stand out.”
They promise to please.
God promises to save.
God looks at you and asks…
Which will be your choice?

Listen for it..

2008-09-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

This week has carried so many different emotions and it is only Tuesday night! Within the last couple of days I have found out that Tre has to have his tonsils, adenoids taken out, and tubes in his ears. I also was informed the 2 day trial for termination of Tre and Aneesa’s mom and dad’s rights, just so happens to fall on December 22 & 23.

The anxiety kicked into overdrive yesterday. I have to be realistic and understand the system does not always do its job, and from what I have had to deal with…let us just say I am not impressed. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks; these kids could go back. What!? After everything, there is a chance? Why yes there is according to our wonderful court system.

As I sat in my room last night shooting off emails, I took a break and read some news on the web. In a matter of minutes I had read how a 2year old in southern Indiana tested positive for meth, and the case worker did NOT remove the child even after the POSITIVE test. The child died 2 weeks later at the hands of his mother for she hit him with a blunt forced object. This my friends is our system working at its finest.

I don’t know what is going to happen. Chelsey won’t even let me discuss it with her b/c she absolutely refuses to let go of the kids no matter what. This could devastate so many in one fail swoop. I am an obsessor and acknowledging that fact helps me to try and focus on not letting it overtake me completely.

Today after Andy got home, Aneesa was sitting on his lap, and I asked her if she knew her bible verse for this week. (she didn’t do so hot last weeks) and she proudly recited it for me verbatim. It was one of those moments you don’t always feel in the day to day grind, but I could only imagine how God was smiling down on her. Reciting His word. Praise God.

Ironically it took me till tonight to have that aha moment. I was reading a book, and it hit me. How appropriate her verse was for this week…I was stressing, struggling, trying to understand that somehow this will all work out, and the verse hit me “Luke 1:37 For nothing is impossible with God."

6 simple words, but words I needed to be reminded of.

Patience is a virtue

2008-08-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

How many times do I not react the way I should? How many times do I lose my temper, and say or do something that is so unbelievably unChristlike?

More times than I would like to admit. This last week has been one of the harder weeks in awhile. Trying to get back into a routine with the kids going back to school, finding out that I will have to go to school 3 nights a week this coming quarter(so I can graduate in the spring!!), and just the day to day that occurs in our family.

We are on our second kindergarten for Aneesa b/c of the behavioral issues that we continue to have with her due to the FAS, the post traumatic stress, and the anxiety disorders that she deals with day to day. The majority of the time I grab the bulls by the horn and don’t flinch, this week though I was ready to throw in the towel.

We got a call from the school almost every day, and by Friday by 9 in the morning, we had to pick her up. Just the basic skills that our children take for granted, she does not have. This is the first year of her life where structure, rules, and socialization have become her new way of life. At almost 6 years old, that is a reality that I know overwhelms her.

She became so out of control again, that my patience was gone. I couldn’t do it anymore. Once Andrew got home, I went upstairs to my room and just let the tears flow that had been in check for quite awhile. As a mother we just want to fix things for our kids, we want the best for them, and we want them to be happy and know they are loved. Well on all of those, I decided to give myself a beating on. I felt like I had failed everyone, and I was becoming wrapped in my negativity that I hadn’t seen in a longgg time.

Andrew came up, and said you know we have to take this one day at a time. No more, no less. I know this. I have lived by it for the last 2.5 years, but sometimes someone else has to point it out. I asked him how in the world God forgives us, has an abounding patience, and just doesn’t strangle us when we are clearly not doing His will? It is beyond my understanding. I just need to be faithful, trust Him, and pray.

So simple you say? Obviously not to the stubborn blonde typing on this computer. But by the grace of God I will have tomorrow to try and do it right again.

Psalm 19:14 (New International Version) 14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Would you do it again?

2008-08-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

Given the opportunity to do anything over again, knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice? There is a reason why we don’t know the future or end results of something until it is done. Some are lessons learned, and some given the opportunity to change our minds would affect so many in a domino effect. Our choices have an end result, whether it is positive or negative. We hold the power sometimes to either roll up our sleeves and feel a little discomfort, or we can stay in our comfort zone b/c change and sacrifice are “too hard.”

My grandma never would accept that excuse, and bless her heart she passed that little piece of knowledge onto me. If everything were easy where is the payoff in that? Easy is not always right, the hard way is not always right; so than how do we know what we are called to do? We tend to complicate the uncomplicated. Why is that? We justify our actions and decisions based on emotions or what “you” did to me or what “he/she” did to me. How many are tossed to the waste side b/c we don’t feel like diving in?

Is your family really that important? Do they know they are? Is God first, and if He is than do you follow His commands when it comes to being there for each brother and sister? Or are you too busy with “life?” Too busy trying to obtain those material things that at the end don’t matter anyway? Will you stand in front of our Lord and Savior and offer him your expensive home? Our fancy cars? Or our expansive lawns, perfectly manicured with that picket fence, and 2.5 dogs? Basketball games, baseball games, lessons of every kind and everything else we cram into our lives?

Am I being sarcastic, yes and no. These are real questions and thoughts to ponder. Do we want to? No, most will read some of this and walk away believing I am insane or on a soap box, well yes I am, and yes I am to both! We always will give it thought, and say you know what “I really do need to cut some of this out”, but we don’t. It is forgotten as quickly as it is thought about. How sad is that? Are we really that important? Do we really believe all this “stuff” will get us where we truly need to be?

The reason for my rant. Multiple reasons. Today I had to go listen to the results of Aneesa’s psychological evaluation, one of the many tests that has been done on her. As I sat there and listened to the doctor (of 20years experience) tell me that Aneesa's IQ is below average, that she is functioning at a 4yr old level, and that the child lives every day in constant fear because of what she has been through, and that because of the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (statistical average) her mentality will only reach 7-9yrs old. Even when she is 45! Do you have any idea how much my heart sank? That little girl has been robbed! Why? Choices. There is a 99.9% chance Trevon will be the same coupled with the effects of the autism.

Back to my original question, would I take these kids if I knew than what I know now? As I drove home so many things were running through my head, and that was a big question for me. What if Tre would have been a great football player, but can’t go anywhere with it b/c he will struggle to just understand daily life skills? What possibilities have been taken away from Aneesa? Where is the fairness in this? There are no platitudes that make this better, but what I did realize is God put our family in these children’s lives for a reason. I stand firm on His hope that given the love, stability, and nurturing these kids have a better chance to live “normal lives”. I also told myself to stop complaining about the discomfort of all the changes, and turn that complaining into rejoicing at the opportunity that lies before me in nuturing these kids through faith and love. ( i know "me not complain?" the earth may stop on its axis!!)

I embrace the hope that I have in God that through Him all things are possible. Again I don’t know what the future holds, but does that matter? No, these kids did NOTHING wrong. There is NO excuse that I am willing to listen to of why more people don’t get out there and help. Picture your child living in fear everyday with NOONE to turn to. Is the road going to be rough, definitely, but I have a great husband who has been my biggest supporter standing behind me ready and willing to fight this fight together. I have watched Andrew’s heart and mind change in the last year, and I can’t tell you how lucky I am that his mission is now the same as mine. Finally we are a team, and we can take our experience, strength and hope out to the battlefield and try to touch lives. Bring others and small children to Christ. Isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing in our lives anyhow?

Now as you go back to your life, as i know you will, my words will fade...just as most words do, but the truth remains the same. Live with that.

Ecclesiastes 4:11-13 (New International Version)
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Capturing your thoughts...

2008-08-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

I thought this was very interesting. Great way to put things into perspective. So very true to us all...Hard truths, but real truths.

TAKE EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVEby Max Lucado
Today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions.Today's jealousy is tomorrow's temper tantrum. Today's bigotry is tomorrow's hate crime.Today's anger is tomorrow's abuse.Today's lust is tomorrow's adultery.Today's greed is tomorrow's embezzlement.Today's guilt is tomorrow's fear.

Could that be why Paul writes, "Love … keeps no record of wrongs" (1 Cor. 13:5 NIV)?Some folks don't know we have an option.Paul says we do: "We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5).What if you did that? What if you took every thought captive? What if you took the counsel of Solomon: "Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life" (Prov. 4:23).You are not a victim of your thoughts. You have a vote.

You have a voice. You can exercise thought prevention. Change the thoughts, and you change the person. If today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions, what happens when we fill our minds with thoughts of God's love? Will standing beneath the downpour of his grace change the way we feel about others?Paul says absolutely! It's not enough to keep the bad stuff out. We've got to let the good stuff in. It's not enough to keep no list of wrongs. We have to cultivate a list of blessings.

The same verb Paul uses for keeps in the phrase "keeps no list of wrongs" is used for think in Philippians 4:8: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (RSV). Thinking conveys the idea of pondering—studying and focusing, allowing what is viewed to have an impact on us.

Rather than store up the sour, store up the sweet.

Refocusing...

2008-07-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

Philippians 4:4-7 4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Rejoice in the Lord always…do I? No, and why is that b/c I am a selfish sinner who needs to constantly be redeemed by my Lord and Savior. I too often get so caught up in worldly things that I truly have no control over.

Let you gentleness be evident to all…gee big NO on that one too. I have been far from gentle lately. I am so frustrated; angry with the system that I have let it overrule any goodness and prayer I should be focusing on. I pray for a gentle heart.

Do not be anxious about anything…wow am I failing or what?! I am one big ball of anxious. Our lives are in limbo on many levels, and it is hard not to let the anxiety rule me and my actions. Is that a good excuse? Absolutely not. But in everything by prayer and petition. It sounds so simple, but my pride and own emotions sometimes become my road block to conversation with my Father.

Present your requests…all I want right now is to know that what I am doing is the right thing. I feel so stretched, but I should be focusing on what God has given me. As I read last night we are to live as a family of God. Being there for each other including the orphans and widows, and I just don’t see that happening. Our lives are going 20 different directions, and we collapse at night. I have nothing left to give at the end of the day. Are all these things that we have going on in our lives going to matter when it comes to the end? No.

Most do not think about their mortality often, except for maybe the older we get. I have really begun to think of my mortality. My husband’s friend just lost his mother to cancer. She was only in her 50’s, and was a God serving, non-smoking, no drugs woman, but our Father took her home. When I think of my life ending before my children are married, and have kids it almost makes me crazy. Is my heart right? Have I lived for the Lord? Will Jesus be there ready to greet me?

One thing that I did realize while reading was the phrase “saturate yourself in God’s word”. I need saturated in His word, b/c that is the only way I will know what He wants me to do. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

journey

2008-07-03T07:31:00.000-07:00

Life is a journey. Sometimes that journey is so difficult you are not quite sure you are going to make it through. Sometimes you slip off the road into a ditch, and just hope and pray someone comes by to help you out…occasionally they will, and occasionally they won’t. That is where faith comes in…trusting that the Lord will get you through no matter how impossible the road may seem.

Why am I contemplating this? I sometimes have to step back and look at where I am where I am going and determine if I am down in that ditch again. One would think you would just know, but sometimes being isolated and hopeless is easier than actually doing anything about it without someone holding your hand.

My little Chelsey got her permit to drive on Tuesday. I am going through the emotions that involves. Scared, anxious, sad, and excited for her. I feel like just yesterday we were in the hospital and she was so proud of her painted toenails! Now, my baby is going to be driving…Time just fly’s by, and I can’t help but think did I teach her enough, love her enough to set her free? All my screw ups, will that hinder her?

I don’t have answers to those questions except I have done the best I could with the tools I had, which were few! I am very grateful I get to share this with her, b/c I had no one to share it with or be excited with when I was her age.

This journey of my life has been a long one. Sometimes I get it, and other times I just can’t wrap my mind around all I have endured. As I slowly sift through the truths and ashes of my childhood it is very easy to sink into a pit of despair. Questions arise…how could they, why did they, why didn’t they? Overwhelming since of disgust and anger is what I am trying to work through right now. It is very difficult…

My niece, who is still living with us, just recently had an array of genetic testing done on her. When I went in to get the results I was relieved that she didn’t have anything life threatening, but devastated to find out she has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Now I must get my nephew tested as well. Those questions come back...how could she, why did she…

I have really been analyzing much of my life. It amazes me, scares me, confuses me…and so on. I am definitely at a place of riding the fence. Not sure why, but all I can think is that my walls are my defense mechanisms b/c of so much happening in a short amount of time. I am not relying on Him, but on me. That is a problem, and I am struggling with it.

“Do not dismiss your dreams.To be without dreams is to be without hope.To be without hope is to be without purpose.Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.”

What powerful lyrics, did she watch my childhood?

2008-06-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

Concrete Angel by Martina McBride-

she walks to school with a lunch she packed
nobody knows what she's holding back wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
she hides the bruises with the linen and lace the teacher wonders but she doesn't ask

it's hard to see the pain behind the mask
bearing the burden of a secret stormsometimes she wishes she was never born

CHORUS: through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above but her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved

concrete angel somebody cries in the middle of the night
the neighbors hear but they turn out the light
a fragile soul caught in the hands of fate when morning comes it'll be too late

a statue stands in a shaded place an angel girl with an upturned face
a name is written on a polished rock a broken heart that the world forgot

Letting it all go...

2008-06-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.”

How do I get to my safe place? Today was a day I indeed do not want repeated. I want to scream at the top of my lungs “why do I see what you cannot!!!”

The system is so aggravating, unleveled to say the least, but overall there to protect the wrong people. It seems now that I know what I know about my parents everything takes on a new light. I am so angry that they are not sharing this burden with me. It is hard b/c I have to be careful when riding the fine line of resentment. It can put me in an ugly place.

I still am struggling to get back in step with the Lord. I find that when I feel the most vulnerable is when I pull up anchor, and close up inside from everyone. That is my safe place. Is it really safe? No, b/c it alienates me from everyone including my Lord and Savior. The difference is I know that now, but it doesn’t make it easier!

I don’t know what is going to happen in the coming months, but I hope and pray I let go of these reigns b/c they are dragging me down, but I can’t seem to let go. I want all the answers, but I know that is so unrealistic.

Today my baby boy turned 14. I can’t even believe it. I feel very blessed with my children, and I got 2 phone calls today that were beyond frustrating. I just don’t get it. Letting go…why is it so hard?

Information Overload

2008-05-27T19:36:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. By following God's word we can raise children who avoid evil and serve God faithfully.

I have recently been able to obtain all of the files, with countless information, on my parents from 25 years ago. I believed that in order for me to move on I had to fill in the missing pieces to the puzzle called my life.

Now that I know, I am just numb. I don’t know what to feel or think. I am disappointed, hurt, angry, and just numb. I have to disassociate myself from it or I will spiral into an abyss. Who were these people? Why did they not love me?

I must move on. I have to absorb this information little by little, and figure out how to forgive. If I don’t, it will poison me. I have been forgiven for so much, and out of all this I realize how unbelievable the hand of God truly is. He was there…I know He was. Watching over me, and knowing He was not through with me yet. I still struggle though…your parents are supposed to protect and love you, not try and destroy you.

I was at my in-laws this evening, and God love my father in law Jim. He said above all else love Jesus…anyone that knows what Jim has gone through in the last year and half can only appreciate that, and say halleluiah. Amazing…

Though this is hard, it makes me love my children all the more, and motivates me to get my story out there and educate people on the importance of doing your part to be a voice for an innocent child.

Decisions

2008-05-19T21:11:00.000-07:00

I have said this before, “be careful what you wish for”. Right now I have in front of me what I thought, initially, was an awesome chance to share my life, my testimony, and my faith to those that need hope. Life isn’t always that cut and dry…I am trying to figure out what decision I should make without “selling” myself out.

My life and what has happened is an important part of who I am. While I am willing to share this, I am not sure I want to hand it over to someone to depict or spin the way they “see” it.

I just needed to spill that out…do I know how this is going to go? No, but I know that God willing I will make the decision that will glorify Him.

I know this blog is vague, but if you are reading say a quick prayer to the Lord to give me direction and guidance with the decisions that lie before me.

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.-- Alfred D. Souza

Rest in Him

2008-05-14T10:26:00.000-07:00

Lyrics by Jaci Velasquez...powerful song for me at this season of my life.

Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;
Lord, I need to know.

My mind is playing games again,You're right where You have always been.
Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.

Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.I will rest in You,I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.Tell me I'm a fool,Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,

[And*] comfort me like only You can,And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.

Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,

Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,I will rest in You.

life passing by

2008-04-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

Deuteronomy 31:6 (New International Version)
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

It has been a long time since I last posted, but life has not slowed down even a bit. We have more life changing issues going on in our lives right now, but what is ever new?

I again feel like I have lost my path with God. I have been so caught up in trying to fight the system, but the system keeps pushing me back and down, which is beginning to take its toll. I feel so defeated and want to give up, but I know that isn’t an option.

Every one in the family is struggling right now, and the strain of the last year has worn on all of us. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t always produce the fruit until much later.

Why is it so easy to fall off track? I feel so anxious and disengaged with life. I hate feeling this way, but I have been overwhelmed in so many areas and not talking with God. My journaling and reading have dwindled, and I can see the results.

He is there I just keeping ignoring Him. I am just very down on myself b/c it seems like everyone in my life is not happy for one reason or another.

Lord help me…

The time is NOW

2008-03-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

"Is child abuse a crime? This child's identity is protected because the courts may return the girl to her father, who beat her so severely she suffered brain damage"

(www.violence.de/prescott/hustler-new/article.html)

This is so sickening, and soo unacceptable. My research paper for my COM class is, go figure, child abuse and neglect, and I cannot even express the disturbing numbers and cases I have come across. This is an epidemic, and WE all need to step up to the plate. NO child deserves this. NOT ONE!

I plead with each of you, these kids are innocent, and though it may make you sad, it should make you mad as hell! We need to come together to fight legislation, and make the parents be held accountable to the utmost extreme in these horrendous cases like the one above. How in the world could you contemplate giving this child back to its parents? It is like handing your child over to the devil...

God is my rock. He brought me through the abuse i endured. Now I am His warrior on a crusade...well it is just around my room right now, but it will become a movement. I know it...

I will not sit back and keep my mouth shut, and for those that know me, know that is the truth!

We are to help the children and widows...we are called to do it!

It is March already?!!

2008-03-06T09:26:00.000-08:00

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - E. M. Forester

It has been quite awhile since I have posted last. Lots going on with all the kids, school and a new job.

The last two months have been some of the hardest times I have had to deal with in awhile. My niece is really struggling right now. We had to hospitalize her, and I spend much of my week’s b/t therapists and psychiatrists for her. My nephew has been non-stop sick, and I think I have had him at the doctor almost every week! It has taken a toll on all of us.

I really thought my life was going one direction, and I am trying to patiently understand what the Lord is trying to direct me to do now. I do know that one fire that has been ignited is the attitude I have towards our current child welfare system. Not enough is being done. Kids are dying everyday. That is unacceptable. Once we get through this season I am bound and determined to push for legislation changes.

I totaled my van almost a month ago. I have never been so scared in my life. I literally saw my life flash before my eyes. I had the younger two with me, and all I could think of when I saw that we were going to hit the telephone pole, was dear God please let me take all the impact, and not the kids. And sure enough, I did! I was pinned in my van for what seems like forever. The kids didn’t have one scratch! Thank the Lord up above.

That night I thought to myself how quickly your life can change in an instant again. I asked myself, if I hadn’t made it, have I said and done all the things I should have or could have before I leave this earth? Does all this small stuff really matter in the grander scheme of things?

I am trying to focus on the road ahead, and His way for my life. I have been sidetracked with so much going on in the last few months that I feel detached b/c I stopped cultivating my relationship with Him daily. Time to reassess and get back on track!

Redemption

2008-02-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

Every breath we take, every time our heart beats, everyday that the sun rises, every moment we see with our eyes or hear with our ears or speak with our mouths or walk with our legs is, for now, a free undeserved gift to sinners who deserve judgment. (Don’t Waste Your Life-John Piper)

The grander scheme of things…how many times have I heard that? None of us know what the grander scheme of things is, but we try very hard to wrap our minds around, analyze it, and however else we can make sense of what happens day to day.

I have realized that in the last two days I have seen more senseless deaths in the news than I can count. It is depressing. There are these moments, I as a Christian, get the questions “why is God allowing this to happen?” I wish I knew. I do know that we all fall short, and the price we pay is living in this sin filled world, but what I do know is that He is still in control no matter what occurs. Is it sometimes hard to feel that? Yes, I say that emphatically. Of all people who understand it the most, I believe I do.

We all have gifts to share with one another, and no it may not make the news, but it is there. Sometimes I feel like God isn’t hearing me, but I know it is me who isn’t listening. And I also know that sometimes I just don’t want to hear what He has to say b/c I want it to work out the way I believe it should.

I recently revisited the book of Job. By no stretch of the imagination have I been through what he had, but I understand his inner battle. That book helps me to know it is okay not to understand, not to always agree, but in the end do not sin against the Lord. We are all redeemed through His grace.

That is something that has been coming to my mind more so lately. Redemption. We all have the ability to be redeemed, but it is still our will and pride that can prevent us from that happening. I have been redeemed over and over again. For that I am so grateful, and I will do my best to try and rear all these children that have been given to me, in this very ugly world we live in right now. My prayer for them is not to get entangled in satan’s snare, b/c again out of anyone I definitely have been caught in that snare more than I would like to admit. But thank God for….Redemption!

Psalm 130:7
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.

Purpose

2008-01-21T20:55:00.000-08:00

Lamentations 3:24-29
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope.

There are few things that tend to surprise me, but when I get to that point God puts something in my life that says do not question His ways. Again I have to repeat to myself, thy will be done, not my own.

The last month and half has been insane, which is nothing new, but with it has come some trials that I would have never imagined.

I have been wrestling with a question that I just didn’t really know where it was taking me. I kept asking myself “why am I here?” To think about all the things we wrap ourselves in, jobs, kids, family, money etc, while some of those things can be fulfilling, where does God come in at?

I got a book that I heard about during a church sermon a few weeks ago. The book was by John Piper, titled “Don’t waste your life”. It was that light bulb moment when the Holy Spirit moves you. I am only at the beginning, but he reinterates over and over that we are here to glorify God in ALL we do. Eating, sleeping, working, you know where I am going with that. I began to look at my days like that, and let me tell you it was hard!

Not hard to glorify Him, but hard to glorify Him in the eye of the storms, the screaming kids, bill collectors, etc… But it did help me to redirect, and reassess what I might say and do given those situations.

Can I say I am cured, and I am so full of purpose that I can’t stand it? No, I have to work on it daily. If I just got it, then why would I even need God? I am okay with being a work in progress. I know the Lord has “got my back!”

I try to think of all the things that God has given me…some days are harder than others, but you know what if I can only be thankful for the air I breathe, I will thank him for that and move on.
God is good all the time, but we are not!

"We love Him because He first loved us."1 John 4:9-10

Which part is me?

2007-12-16T20:39:00.000-08:00

Exodus 34:7 (New International Version)
Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation."

I am struggling this evening with memories that have surfaced with my niece over the weekend. I feel physically ill and helpless b/c I really wish I could erase what has been done to her.
As I read in my bible tonight I came across this verse, and I remembered it from reading it before, but it really grabbed me tonight.

I remember the first time I read it I was frustrated. I thought why in the world do I have to pay for what my parents and grandparents did? Where is the fairness in that!? But that is when I was looking at it from a defensive and clouded mind with “it is all about me” right?

Hard to be totally honest, but hey that is why I blog. I know my children have paid for my sins and than some. Between my divorce, addiction, my past etc. I really don’t want to further dig into it, but I see how our future generations are affected by those who came before us.
It isn’t a death sentence. It is a guideline to life. Walking hand and hand with Jesus daily, and striving to live the best I can to show my children that even though they may screw up (and they will) ask for forgiveness, make amends and try to make it right.

This definitely connects to my previous blog on understanding how much of a lasting impact we do have on our children, and subsequently our grandchildren whether you like it or not.
Please pray for peace, healing and rest for my niece. This is going to be long road to recovery, but I will not go down with out a fight. I will do all I can to protect her and the other kids, just as I would my own.

Hebrews 13:8 (New International Version)
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Let my words be few...

2007-12-12T11:26:00.000-08:00

Eccles. 5:2
Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.

I am so thrilled that the sun is shining today! The weather in the last week has been depressing. The kids have enjoyed the snow immensely, even though mom doesn’t because of all the wet clothes, boots and gloves! As I looked out at the yard and the new snow fall, it was a metaphor to me how God will wash us clean of our sin, and make us white as snow…

The weeks are becoming more routine. Crazy, but routine nonetheless. I still have my moments of wanting to curl up in a ball and hide b/c of the unknowns, but I also have those blessed moments that outweigh the bad.

The verse from Ecclesiastes seemed so appropriate for this day. This morning when I went to get my niece up for school, she got up, and looked so unbelievably sad. It broke my heart. I asked her what was wrong, and she said I miss my mom. Oh, there are no words to take that kind of pain away.

All I could say was I know, and hug her. Words escaped me, but honestly I don’t think there are any. I am not going to make her feel all warm and fuzzy about something I really don’t know how it is going to turn out.

We as parents have so much influence over how our kids feel emotionally. Even if parents don’t want that job, sorry that is life. The rejection and abandonment leaves an empty hole inside of you. You think there is something wrong with you b/c if there weren’t they would love me right? I know the truth now that I am older, but I am not sure someone could have convinced me when I was younger.

I just have to wrap her in love, and reassure her that it isn’t her. And keep on prayin! ;)

As I get ready to do my round trip of picking up kids, which takes me an hour, I will say my blessings for the wonderful family that I have!

Time

2007-12-03T19:55:00.000-08:00

1 Thess. 2:4 For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.

Once again it has been a minute since I last blogged. Seems like the time is just flying by. The weeks have been jam packed with kid’s appts. I have either dental, ortho, or doctor appts everyday this week! Lots of driving.

Life has been eh okay. I have had the opportunity in the last two weeks to really delve into God’s word nightly, which has been good for me. Life gets away from us sometimes, we get bogged down with all the “stuff” especially with the holidays around the corner, that we lose sight of the really important things.

I love Christmas. I always have. Every time I think of Christmas though it takes me back to better days with my grandmother in the kitchen non-stop making something! I really don’t know how she did it. All four of us kids underfoot, worked full-time, home cooked meals almost daily, and still had the energy to make all kinds of goodies around the holidays! She has inspired me so much.

It has been awe inspiring to me to watch my niece grasping what the meaning of Christmas is. I was reminded in church service last Sunday that to be prayerful and thankful at ALL times. Not when things are going my way, or only when my life is in shambles, but all the time. It is difficult, I won’t lie. When you have 5 children needing you in 5 different directions, screaming, crying…must I go on?! I have found myself saying thank you God that I am blessed to be apart of this bigger picture I can’t yet see!

My purpose is to serve my Father, and glorify Him in all I do.

My husband has been my rock the last couple of weeks. What a great man to take on all he has with 2 extra children! I feel very blessed to call him my husband.

2 Thess. 3:5 May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.

Thank you!

2007-11-21T22:37:00.000-08:00

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. Melodie Beattie

As I think about tomorrow and what it means to each of us; it gives me a moment to reflect.
I have been very blessed in my life to have people put in my life over the course of my 33 years. God strategically placed those (even if for a season) there for a reason. Family is so important, but I have learned it does not have to be by blood that you call someone your family. It was a tough lesson to learn, but I get some of the reasons why it is so.

We take for granted the love, security that some of us get with those people we call family. As I prayed with my niece tonight I recited the prayer I used to always say when I was a child. As I went through the list that I use to pray for (mom, dad, g-parents etc) I realized, sadly, that she really doesn’t have any of those things. She has never had grandparents, ever…that is so unbelievably sad when I know how important my grandmother was to me. She really doesn’t have any aunts, uncles, or cousins that she knows and or sees at any point and time.

I have to say that broke my heart. All a child ever wants is to be loved. I am determined for my kids, and my niece and nephew to know that they are loved and safe as long as I breathe.

Love those around you, reach out to someone who doesn’t have the great fortune that you do, and don’t take for granted that there will always be a tomorrow to tell them you love them.

Psalm 116:6-7The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me

Peace..

2007-11-20T07:32:00.000-08:00

…So if you would know His voice, never consider results or possible effects. Obey even when He asks you to move in the dark.
…And there will spring up rapidly in your heart an acquaintanceship and a fellowship with God which will hold you and Him together, even in severest testing’s. (Way of Faith book)

Well it has been a minute since I last posted. Life is still as chaotic as ever, and has gotten more intense with my niece. I just try to make it through each day, and face the battle laid before me.

I am trying very hard to just be patient, listen to God’s small voice, and do whatever I can to love all these children. They are a blessing even in the trials, and if I can focus on that than hopefully I can make it through the most trying times!

I have had a peace in the last two weeks, and the obsessing over this whole situation has lightened. I feel very blessed to know my father knows what I can handle and what I can’t. I don’t know what is going to happen in the coming months, but I do know He is in control and loves these children as much as I do.

I read through Ephesians last night, and the apostle Paul wrote something that reached out to me…May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love...Eph. 3:17 What a great way to think of my relationship as it continues to grow with Him daily. That He is never changing, it is me who chooses to turn away and not follow the path He has laid before me. He will always open His arms to me, and provide that safety and love. What a great feeling!

My focus right now is trying to keep gratitude at the front. I have to focus on the all that has been given to us, and all that can be given if we obey His commandments. The quote from the movie Forrest Gump comes to mind…Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get! Isn’t that the truth!?

Ephesians 5:17
Don’t act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do.

Inner struggle

2007-11-05T06:36:00.000-08:00

Psalm 13:2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

I finished reading the complete bible a couple of weeks ago, and I began to go back over some books that I would like to study more. As I was reading last night, and fighting my frustration and obsession I read Psalms. David really struggled back and forth, but he always trusted God to save him from his despair and to serve justice.

That is a lesson I have to keep reminding myself. I am trying so hard to do the best to keep upbeat and positive, but satan has been working overtime on my mind. I have had so many moments in the last couple of weeks of just wanting to throw my hands up, b/c every where I turn it is a new battle! It is overwhelming…

I am really questioning people’s motives and empty words. I already don’t trust many, and it reflects on how many people are close to me, but I feel like actions lately reaffirm why I don’t keep to many close. The saying “keep your friends close and your enemies’ closer” springs to mind. Than on the flip side I have to not go there. God calls me to love my neighbor as myself…UGHHH Doing what is right is never simple. It is a lot of hard work.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I am struggling something awful right now with not obsessing and trusting that all things will work out the way God has planned. I am practically pleading with God to relieve the obsession.

Psalm 13:5-6 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

Chaos and what not...

2007-10-29T19:08:00.000-07:00

Chaos seems to be the word for our lives right now. Actually if you looked up the definition of it in the dictionary you would probably see our family at the present moment!

It has been a long day. I had to take Chelsey to Cincinnati today for her liver annual appointment. We had to be on the road at 5:30am. She started testing as soon as we got there, and am so amazed at how old she has gotten and the trials we have had to endure all these years. Her liver enzymes were up…I have to say panic is my first instinct, but I am trying to not do that. Her renal (kidney) test results don’t come back until tomorrow, so I feel like I am sitting on pins and needles! Please pray for her.

I am still trying to acclimate to having five children. I feel like I cook and clean now more than I ever have! It is amazing to me how quickly you go through everything with only two more little bodies.

I have also realized how in the last week or so I feel like I am pushing against a cement wall, and let me tell you it isn’t moving! I feel like in many areas right now that I am trying to do what is right, and everyone is fighting me on it. Frustrating.

I do have many things to still be grateful for…I realized and was reminded of what an investment and obligation I have to teach all my children (including my niece and nephew). After church on Sunday I went to get my niece from her Sunday school class and before I could even ask she said guess what Aunt April? I learned about Jesus today…at that moment I knew no matter what happens the fire had been lit. Even if it is only a spark.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

In need of strength

2007-10-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

My heart and mind are heavy tonight. I am not sure even why I am blogging except to get all of this out. This is the 2nd night in a row that my niece has been up most of the night with nightmares, and she just screams, tears her hair out, and scratches her self till she bleeds. It is such a helpless feeling to watch her. She is not even awake, but is just screaming in absolute terror.

My children are running on broken sleep, they don’t understand, and it is just very overwhelming to them and us. We want to help her, but not sure how. I called her therapist today, and she never called me back. Needless to say she will be getting a stern phone call from me tomorrow, b/c I am afraid this five year old is going to hurt herself or someone else with the rage of emotion that has bubbled to the surface.

Every time I go up there I just lay my hands on her and pray that God will give her peace and rest. This is so unfair. I know life isn’t fair, but children should never feel this way.

Please pray for strength and wisdom for all of us (especially my children) that we help her to get through this the best we can. Please pray for peace and rest for her…

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

In need of faith that can move mountains

2007-10-21T17:18:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all that have expressed encouraging words and prayers…they are appreciated more than you know.

We just finished our 2nd of 3 foster classes yesterday, and it depresses me each time we go. There are so many children in the system, and not enough loving foster homes to put them in. It amazes me the trauma that these children live daily…I remember it all to well… The pictures that they showed…I couldn’t watch. I cried, and just wanted to vomit. It brought flashbacks of my childhood up that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle. Parent’s that had held lit cigarettes to a child’s foot, scalding them with hot water, bruises striped across their backs, babies practically starved to death…absolutely unbelievable. Our system needs to protect these kids instead of sending them home!

It is so easy to lose faith, and lose sight of what God is capable of when you hear and see all the sadness and pain that happens on a daily basis, but that is this life now. Our society, with lack of good role models, not only the parents, but the absence of parents and grandparents for these children to lean on is unreal.

My grandmother was such an important person in my life, and taught me so much that I can’t imagine not having that, but so many children don’t have even that one person to step up and stand up for them. Sad really…what has gone wrong?

Chelsey taught my niece how to tie her shoes yesterday…she was so excited to share that with me and Uncle Andy! It about made me cry, b/c kids just need our love and encouragement to help them grow and learn.

Please continue to pray for us. My sister goes back to court tomorrow, and we are in a marathon not a sprint. There are, and going to be so many ups and downs until this is resolved one way or another…that scares me. But I have to trust God right now.

Mark 11:22-24 Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. 23 I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. 24 I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.

Moving forward...or something like that

2007-10-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

Revelation 21:4-5
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!”

Oh, how glorious that day will be…no more pain and tears.

It has been a very long week. Exhausting emotionally and physically. My niece is settling in well. She is very guarded right now, which God only knows who could blame her. I feel very blessed to be the one who is able to invest in these children’s lives. I just hope and pray that what is best comes to fruition, and I will fight the fight until the judge says no more.

I just came from upstairs b/c I heard her screaming in her sleep…she was actually crying in her sleep. This whole situation breaks my heart. When I look at her I see me as a child, and I guess in some ways that is good for her b/c I understand what she is feeling right now.

I will say it again I have wonderful children. They have taken her under their wing, and have been amazing. This has been a lesson for them on being there for those in need, and being willing to sacrifice luxuries we all take for granted to benefit another.

The obsession has not stopped. It is so hard…I ask God everyday to take it away, but I am still white knuckling it. I can’t predict the future and I need to let it go, but knowing 4 lives hang in the balance makes it so very difficult!

Anyone that reads this (if you pray) please pray for guidance, strength, and protection for our family and these children. We are still trying to figure out some financial stuff, and it has been very taxing to say the least.

Gratitude & Angels

2007-10-14T12:12:00.000-07:00

Attitude of gratitude. I am so grateful today. My daughter Chelsey is celebrating 14 years out of transplant! How grateful I am to God that we are able to celebrate another milestone.

She is such a blessing, and looking back on where we have been with her and where she is now is an awesome testimony of God’s grace.

We also were able to experience another one of those moments of awe in God’s wonderful plan for our life yesterday during foster parenting classes yesterday. We met another couple only briefly, but unbelievable how God put’s angels in your lives when you least expect it.

During the class I asked the question of any grants or programs to help us obtain items we need for the children we are getting, b/c we are in need of bunk beds for my daughter’s room now that we are taking in my niece. Anyhow, at the end of the session this couple we had JUST met handed me a card, and left. Well I was in the middle of a conversation with one of the trainers, and I didn’t look at it until we left.

I thought me and Andrew would faint. They had handed us a check for $400 for bunk beds! I could not believe it. These people didn’t know us from Adam, but they felt compelled to help out complete strangers. It renewed my spirit. I realized there are people out there that really do care even if they are strangers.

I wanted to post a grateful post b/c lately I have tended to only show my frustration. Today I see God’s wondrous hand moving in our lives, and I am so very grateful. He is carrying us even when sometimes I choose to not see it.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. "
~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

Obsess much?

2007-10-11T21:17:00.000-07:00

Getting through the day seems to be my motto lately, and as I type that it frustrates me. I have a tendency to obsess about issues. They take up rent in my mind, and though I try to evict them they won’t go away!

I just feel like there are so many things that are open ended right now, that I may just go insane. I know that I am not trusting it to work out as it always does, but it is just so hard when it is in so many areas in my life right now. I am just trying to do what is right, but I can’t predict the outcome and really have no control on how it plays out.

I was on my way to visitation tonight for my sister to see her kids, and I looked in the mirror…I have aged so much in the last couple of months. Stress has taken its toll on my face and body.

I just want one day where these things are not consuming me. I don’t question what I am doing, but I have to let certain things go for now…ughhhh if it were only that easy.

God give me strength..

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." Alexander Graham Bell

Expectations...

2007-10-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

Mark 9:35-37
35 Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." 36He took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them, 37"Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."

One major lesson that I have learned in the last year is never ever think you know where your life my lead you. I have had to learn that the twists and turns happen whether you are looking and waiting for them or not.

It has been a rough last 2 weeks, but one ever changing yet again. I think I have felt every emotion from depression, elation, anger, depression again, and than just calm. I have prayed so hard when it has come to this situation with my sister and the kids, with my lack of a job right now, my kids, my marriage, and just where God wants me right now.

I received a phone call last Friday unexpectedly wanting to know if I would take another one of my sisters kids b/c the foster parents are not working out… well I knew my husband might just collapse or want to cause bodily harm if I asked him! I sat on it for a moment, and stared out the window…

I don’t know why, but things happen for a reason. I don’t have a job right now, but this little girl needs us. I kept thinking our house is becoming jammed, I only have a car…the list goes on. Can I really give one more kid my attention? Than I started thinking what our crazy family can do for her. We may be chaos, and we argue, but we love each other. We talk the talk, now it was time to walk the walk.

My husband has been beyond wonderful. I am so very grateful for him. Than I had to ask each of my children if they had it in their hearts and sanity to do it, and I can’t even begin to express how unbelievable my children are. Their responses showed me just what they have learned this year….i was beyond proud.

So yet again, roller coaster going up! At least I know that she will be reunited with her little brother who is with us as well…

Please keep us in your prayers whoever is listening! It is much appreciated.

Here today gone tomorrow...

2007-10-01T20:27:00.000-07:00

James 4: 13-14
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

That verse puts so much into perspective. All of this gone in a breath, and as I sit here sinking into my depression b/c it (I know I have said too much) just overwhelms me right now.

Every night as I lay my head down and pray for my kids and pray for wisdom I say tomorrow will be better…tomorrow comes and there is a new set of obstacles waiting to trip me up. Maybe it is my cynical view right now. Maybe I am just shutting out all the good b/c of my consuming my mind with the “crap” happening…who knows.

As I talk myself through this maybe I should see them as “opportunities” instead of obstacles. Ohh, but it is so hard to think positive when it is so easy to be negative. It is in my nature to wait for the other shoe to drop so to speak…because it usually always does…usually by the shoe store full.

He has brought me through so many storms, and I truly believe in my heart that He is carrying me now or I would not even be coherent. Telling my head to follow suit is another story.

So many depend on me to keep it together… I can’t fail them, but I can’t get so caught up in the “what ifs” that I miss the here and now.

Moving forward…one step at a time…sometimes one minute at a time…that is all I can do for today. He has promised never to forsake me…I have to trust in that.

I need to slow down…

"True faith involves doing all you can and letting God take care of the rest." God is in the small stuff… and it all matters. Bruce & Stan

Food for thought..

2007-09-25T19:32:00.000-07:00

Luke 18:17 (New Living Translation)
17 I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.”
If a child lives with criticism
He learns to condemn;
If a child lives with hostility
He learns to fight;
If a child lives with ridicule
He learns to be shy;
If a child lives with shame
He learns to feel guilty.
BUT
If a child lives with tolerance
He learns to be patient;
If a child lives with encouragement
He learns confidence;
If a child lives with praise
He learns to appreciate;
If a child lives with fairness
He learns justice;
If a child lives with security
He learns to have faith;
If a child lives with approval
He learns to like himself;
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship
He learns to find Love in the world.

Endurance

2007-09-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 13:2-3
So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! 36 Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

Patient endurance. These last couple of months have been some of the most trying I think that I have had to endure in awhile, but somehow I have endured. Only by His grace…

Our lives right now are in complete limbo. We have no idea what is going to happen with many areas of our life. There were moments this weekend when I felt my resolve completely diminish. I couldn’t do it for one more second. I was ready to throw in the towel…literally.

That scared me. It has just been an overwhelming increase b/c of people, things etc coming at me from all sides, and what do I tackle first?! It is too much, but as I read through Hebrews last night I realized much of this is b/c my outlook has been so consumed with things out of my control…geesh I had to visit that again…isn’t that like the 100th time since I have begun blogging?!! I guess that is why this is therapeutic to me. Who knows if any one is listening…actually I know one who is, and He is all that truly matters.

I had to again ask for forgiveness b/c my fuse is beyond short right now. I am disappointed in people that I should have never expected anything from. I am sick that there are so many cowards that run in my blood line. Is that disappointment and resentment going to do me any good? No, it has been slowing poisoning me the last 2 weeks, and the effects have shown through…

There are moments I want to step outside and just scream until I can’t anymore. I don’t understand some of the things happening right now….argh. But it isn’t my job to understand. It is my job to be a servant joyfully. Easily, um no. I have to do His will even though satan is doing his darndest to take me down right now.

I have to keep moving b/c slowing down is not an option at this point. I pray that His strength will sustain me…

Hebrews 4:7
“Today when you hear his voice, don’t harden your hearts.”

Life goes on...

2007-09-17T20:10:00.000-07:00

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest I don’t want to end up where You found me And it echoes in my mind Keeps me awake tonight I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away From You leaving me this way…

This song by Casting Crowns has been echoing in my mind for weeks…Friday was hell. I won’t sugar coat it..all of last week was actually. I haven’t felt like blogging b/c honestly I have so much to say, but does any of it truly matter?

As I walked up to the court house on Friday I had a full blown panic attack. I haven’t had one of those in years. In the past they were onset by issues with my parents or that day. As I walked in there to do what I knew was right, and in the middle of my attack, I found myself 24 years before standing in a court house with my grandmother fighting for custody of us 4 kids.

I could not for the life of me afterward figure out why that image and day came flooding back. I hadn’t thought of it for years. As I thought about it Saturday it came to me. I had been praying for my grandmother to be with me that day…and she was! The strength it took her to overcome and do what was right even though it was hard and frightening she did it. She was with me…I felt peace (a little!) after I came to that realization. I did what I knew she would have done had she been here today.

It crushed my heart to do what I had to do, but I know I did what was right. People keep themselves in denial so that they don’t have to face their true selves. I should know I have done it many times. I hope and pray that my sister will forgive me, and know that I did it because of my love for her and her children.

I have had so many people tell me that they can’t believe I did it, and how heroic it was…why is that? I did what we all should do. When you see children or any one in need (especially family) don’t you do what it takes to help and get them better? I have realized that I have had to make a few calls and stand up for what is right when others won’t. I am so surprised at how many cower behind their fears or stay in their “comfortable” settings b/c it is too much work to just try… I know I fear many things, but there has to be a point when you trust in God to step out and make a difference.

Where do I go from here? Hmm. I don’t know. I have no job, my sister hates me, and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring…but have I ever? That would be an emphatic NO.
I just have to keep moving forward and understand this is in God’s plan even if I don’t understand. And here we visit the Trust issue again…

Psalm 27:1- The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?

Straining so hard to look up...

2007-09-11T19:36:00.000-07:00

When you think you have had enough and can’t do it anymore, you get served some more. Isn’t that the way it works?

Today was just another day. Just some preface before I get to the “good” stuff (and yes that is sarcasm you are smelling). The last three years have been some of the most hellacious when it has come to jobs. I was in the mortgage business for almost 6 tumultuous years. I hated it. Cut throat, fraudulent places to be (the ones I was in). I just didn’t feel that is where I should be, and finally I got out. Purpose of that sharing is b/c jobs/income have been all over the map for my family in the last 3 years. It has been difficult on all of us. That is why we moved. The effects of those years caught up.

Anyway back to today. I have had a feeling for awhile things were taking a downward dip where I am at now, but held on to the hope that somehow it would come back together…wrongo. After I received a phone call already giving me some bad news on another thing, my boss comes in 15 min before I get off to tell me the doors maybe closing Friday. Poof, April no job again. I have to say at first I had major meltdown. Oh how I hate change. I hate instability, but I hate dishonesty more.

These things never come sparingly over time; no they come all at once. Tears, anger, all the emotions seared through me. I didn’t want to tell my children yet again I just don’t know. But once I picked Tre up and saw him smiling and running towards me…it changed.

It is going to be okay. It always is, but only if I keep my eyes on the Lord, and know He has always provided what we need. May not be all we want or think we need, but He always takes care of us. He is shifting my path…I don’t know why, but He is. There is a reason for everything, and to everything there is a season…I have to focus on all I still do have. Difficult yes, but I have to. To try and think to far ahead about this and this…oh I will be more insane than what I already am.

I didn’t realize that posting last night would ring so true in my ears today. Faith looks up…oh that is all I can do. Focus on getting through today, and let God take care of tomorrow.

I have finals tomorrow…not sure how I am going to concentrate, but hey I have been through worse right?!

Romans 5:2-5 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. 3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.

2007-09-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.

I found this quote, and it jumped out at me. I have found in the last couple of weeks sorrow has made me look back a great deal. It is very easy for me b/c of my past to look back at all the trauma that others inflicted on me or I have inflicted on myself. Life is such a day to day thing. Every day is anew, and every day I am given the pardon to try to do what is right…again.

Worry looks around. How many times in the last week have I been looking around, mauling over in my mind, how, what, why etc. it can consume me if I don’t catch it. I started feeling the loneliness, which in turn made me start looking inward and questioning why do I not have a friend I can call up and turn to? Why have I not put more people in my life to be accountable when I start getting prickly with all the woes of the world right now? Because I am not spending enough time focusing on God instead I am all about me again.

It is so hard sometimes. I get so frustrated at myself b/c it is like banging your head against the wall saying to yourself….well maybe it won’t hurt this time!! Good grief. I don’t think I consciously do it, but when I really think about it, that is exactly what I am doing.

Faith looks up. Hmm. Am I looking up or am I looking inward? When I think of the actual act of looking up into the sky I don’t know why but I feel peace. Why don’t I do it more than? With what lies ahead of me for this week I have to look up…I have to. If not I am not sure I will be able to make it through…actually I know I won’t.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Ugggghhh....Anger

2007-09-06T20:18:00.000-07:00

He who angers you conquers you. - Elizabeth Kenny

I could feel it bubbling inside me like a volcano ready to explode. I prepared myself for the worst (or so I thought), but it was not what I was prepared for. Frustration, hurt, and than anger. Why did I expect any different??!! Ugghhh. It makes me mad at myself that I even let it get to me, but darn it why is that family hurts you the worst?

I hadn’t seen her in 4 years…not even a hug, how are you, I wish I could slap you…nope none of the above. Even the latter would have been nice. Geez to acknowledge my existence would have been enough.

Today has tried my patience more than I can even type fast enough. I am at the end of my proverbial rope. I feel very alone right now...I am already stressed to my max. Today did not help matters at all. That is frustrating me too. I don’t feel like I should feel this way, but I do. All these things that keep happening…family…again WHY? I will hope and pray till my knees bleed that my kids never treat each other this way, or that their aunts, uncles around them never turn on them and discard them like a dirty rag. I hope I teach them as they become adults to love their family, be there for each other even when you don’t feel you can one last time.

I feel like crap even typing this post, but I have to get it out. It has been simmering in me since this afternoon. I know that letting my anger get the best of me is giving the devil a foothold, but I am trying to purge myself now and let it go. I miss my grandmother something awful…i really need her right now. This is one of those times when not having parents or grandparents to lean on depresses me. I just need someone to tell me it is okay or it is going to be okay eventually…

Okay now that the anger is out…now I just feel sad. I think the rejection is the main cause for my anger. It is what it is. I can’t make someone care about me…they either do or they don’t. I know my next course of action is prayer. All I can do is pray for them. Boy is that hard when you’re frustrated and hurt, but I have to. If not, they won, and all I will feel is worse.

Life is just hard sometimes. I have spent a lot of time in the last two years asking for forgiveness for what I have done no matter what they did to me…so I guess this isn’t about them it is about me. I have to do what is right even when I don’t want to.

Live

2007-09-05T21:15:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can’t believe it has been a week since I posted last. Whew, does time continue to fly!

These last couples of weeks have begun to take a toll on my body. I have finals next week, Kade is struggling in school, all the kids have been sick (2 with a fever today!), and just trying to prepare myself for a big day next Friday. Those who are close to me know how much this is weighing on my heart and mind, but I have to do what is in the best interests of all involved…even if I feel like my heart is being torn in two.

The reason behind this post is I guess to some comical if you know me, but serious nonetheless. With our move, and all the changes and added stress I had (within the last month) started noticing I was bruising easier, feeling lightheaded more frequently, and losing weight (I have tried for years, and I stop trying and now it comes off!)

Anyway on the serious note I had a doctor’s appt today that had been scheduled for over a month. I was going back for a follow-up b/c I am having migraines more frequently. Moving on…I had myself almost convinced yesterday I was dying. Okay now that you’re done laughing I was serious. I really thought all those years of torturing my poor body had finally caught up with me.

As I went into each kid’s room last night, I finally stopped and took a breath. Something I haven’t done in the last couple of weeks. I took that moment to do what I used to before the last months chaos overcame me. I spent time rubbing chelsey’s back and talking to her, I rubbed ky’s cheek and pushed her hair away as she slept, I thought of how much my son, my beautiful son is growing into a young man, and lastly Tre. How very blessed we are as a family to invest in his life…

My point you may say? Life is short. We may not always have tomorrow. The song by Tim McGraw came to my mind…live like you are dying. On my deathbed I am not going to be thinking of laundry piled up, a dirty house, jobs, money…no I am going to be wondering if my kids know that I love them, and did I raise them to be good human beings.

Well the doctor’s visit was emotional b/c I didn’t know if she was going to send me out of there in a straight jacket or what! She looked at me and said my problem was stress. Hmmm… you think? My body is overloaded. Andy has been telling me that for weeks…

So again…I have to stop and appreciate what is going on. Some things that I put so high on my list needs to take a back seat and my family needs to come first. When I thought about leaving this earth now I realized I am so not done living and doing what God has called me to do.

Romans 12:9-10 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

A Challenge

2007-08-27T20:30:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you are trying to run in quick sand? And for every hurdle you barely skim over, another just seems to pop up with no end in sight? Ugghh. That is what I am feeling right now. I know I have said this in numerous posts, but doing what is right seems to be a hard thing to do. Sometimes it is not even for yourself that you are trying to do the right thing for…

My past, my purpose never seemed to be important. (to anyone else anyway) I have prayed for years for God to reveal why I had to endure those things, and you know what they say about being careful what you wish for! I am only being sarcastic (yes I know I wear that well!) I am thankful, grateful, and awe inspired most of the time as I see His plan unfold, but on the other hand it causes fear and anxiety. I over think everything. I don’t want to fail.

Right now my life is like a 3 ring circus. Half the time you don’t know if you are coming or going! Trying to balance it all work, school, housework, kids, their homework, my homework, and still trying to make your marriage thrive…ahhhhh Many days I just want to hide.

But than there are moments when I take the time to look at the grateful moments that I know it is all so worth it…Kade so excited about being dead last in cross country today, and pulling in at 4th in the end, Ky’s eyes just sparkling b/c her dad is going to her school, Chelsey cracking me up trying to repeat broken Spanish, and than little Tre…when I went to pick him up today from daycare..ahh his little legs wouldn’t move fast enough to get him to me. He wanted me to get him as quickly as possible, and he was smiling the whole time. Isn’t that what we long for too? Someone to run into knowing there loving arms wrapped around us makes us feel safe?

There are so many that don’t have that. Some people out there really have no one. I have so much, yet I complain so much. I read an email this morning that made my heart ache. There are lots of people out there that you pass everyday and you have no idea their story, and most of us don’t even bother to ask b/c we have “enough” to deal with. I have learned in the last week that it is important to take care of my family, but it is also my job to reach out to others. Someone did it for me, and I believe God has called me to do the same.

I encourage you and I tomorrow, reach out to someone. Even if it is a stranger, and just ask them how they are doing today…it makes another feel like their life is important enough to acknowledge their existence.

Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Christ did. 1 John 2:6

Another week...

2007-08-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

Ephesians 3:18-19 (New Living Translation)
18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Awesome verse!
Another week gone by…have you realized the older you get the quicker that time seems to go? It flys. You’re your in moments of stress and chaos it seems to drag interminably.

The baby started daycare today. We have all been excited to see this new venture for him. It is a great opportunity at a place that has so much structure, kids his age for social, and best of all the principles of Gods love taught to him. I believe you are never too young to begin that. We all have heard the faith of a child, and it is so real. It is our world and society that chase that faith away…

Anyhow this last week was hard. I found myself sinking into a depression. I share this b/c even though my faith is where it is, and my trust in God is where it is, does not mean that I am immune to this world and the trials that I (we) all face.

My week was a mess. My nephew could not start in his daycare until today, my kids started school (which meant no one to take care of them or him), and my car decided to check out on me on Thursday. Argh. It was too much. Once again as I reflect on why I fell apart I see that it was b/c I lost all control over what was happening. I was frustrated and overwhelmed b/c it was utter chaos, and I felt like I had no say in it at all.

On Saturday Andrew cleaned out our other attic. There in the mess of “stuff” I have had for years…HS memorabilia, kids baby clothes, and things from my parents. It was rough. I came across a tape that was given to me roughly 18-19years ago that was a tapped conversation of my father before everything happened that fateful day.

Why is it when we know it will bring up yuckey stuff we still grab it? As you can guess, yes I listened to it. As I sat there I had to listen to me at nine years old beg to just be heard. To be loved. The pain of hearing "ghosts" voices was torture, but it is all i have of them...may sound demented but I can't remember their voices anymore. They seem like something i read about long ago... It broke my heart, but made my resolve for what I have been doing with my extended family all that much stronger. I had no voice. God has given me one now, and now I have His guidance to help me through and be there for other children just like I was.

All that we go through in our lives can either be regretted or it can be a stepping stone into who we want to be and reminders of what can happen if we revert back to where we have been.
I know we all have said once in our lives God puts people in our lives for a reason. Do you ever dissect that, chew on it, and think about it fully?

I see all of it now. Not perfectly, not without questions, but like a puzzle..it fits. Not perfectly, not without curves and turns but it does.

We have to stay open to all God has for us…He is so big that I cannot even wrap my mind around it, but I know He is there. I explained to Chelsey tonight, we have to be careful about putting people in a box. Christians are not perfect, but it is not our job to judge them. Some will claim they are, are they? Not my job to point out if they are or not. Am I walking the walk so perfectly that I find it my job to point out their faults? I think not! We are to do our best to uplift everyone to the best of our ability.

I realized in many of the situations that I am in right now, I need to pray deeply, fully and completely. Am I looking for an answer or do I think I already have it? God is who He says He is…am I?

Galatians 6:2-3 (New Living Translation)
2 Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. 3 If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.

Thought provoking verse.

Reflection yet again...

2007-08-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

Ephesians 4:1-2
Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. 2 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

I came across this verse last night as I was doing my nightly reading and it hit me as it usually does when I need to be reminded of things I continue to need to work on. Always be humble and gentle…geez am I? Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other’s faults because of your love…do I?

No, and no. Not always. I try, but fall short many times. This weekend I did a lot of reflecting again (I know, blah blah), but I did. I realized yet again how unbelievably blessed I am. I realize where my life has been, where it is now, and where it could be if I don’t keep my priorities straight, and my life accountable to my Father.

I realized I have been forgiven for my shortcomings more so than not. Not only by God, but by the people around me that I know that I have hurt. Why than am I so stingy on my forgiveness? Why am I not doing what God called me to do by loving my enemies and praying for them instead of cursing them?

Simple answer, I am human. As I was talking to Chelsey and Andy last night I realized that a lesson that needs to be taught now to my children is one of forgiveness when we have been wronged or when others fall short of their duties as a parent or the loved ones around us. I realized that resentments and unforgiveness that I held on to for year’s b/c I felt like I was punishing that person only did immense harm to ME. It led me on a path of self destruction, and hurt others that shouldn’t have been hurt by it, but were.

I also realized that I have put myself out there with this blog. I have exposed A LOT of who I am and what I struggle with, and that can be a good thing or a bad thing. I put a lot of thought into it, and I know that when I know someone else is going through or have gone through similar struggles I feel better knowing I am not alone in this. So even if no one or someone is lifted up or feels that they are not alone from my raw exposure than I am okay with that. This is who I am. I am okay with that now. I hid who I was for years, and I am done with that. What I am, and who I am now is God’s masterpiece (still struggling with that!! :) ) and that I am good with!

Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Comfort

2007-08-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 5 For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.

Comfort...hmm that feeling has been evading me mercilessly. As I sat here tonight quietly, I started to reflect on where my focus has been once again…ME. Man, it is very hard to realize how much we tend to turn everything into a personal crisis or all about me. I do it so much, and than I just want to kick my own tail!

I came across this verse in a book I tend to read nightly or try to nowadays. I realized today in the middle of adversity, and struggle over wanting to control a situation and outcome, the light went on. I don’t and will not have control over this. I can try, but I will drive myself and everyone else around me crazy trying!

I had a peace, even if it was brief, I had it. I lost sight of what the goal of the last year has been. I became so muddled in the mess of what happened to me that I forgot that this isn’t about me. But what did happen all those years ago is to be used to help others not crawl back into my pity pot and wallow there.

There are still so many things that I really wish I could instantly change about myself, but unfortunately it isn’t that easy. It takes mucho hard work, and discipline. All the stuff we tend to run from! I guess if I were perfect than I wouldn’t realize how much I do need God to lean on. In times such as these I can only control me. I can’t force people to be, act or say anything I need or want them to say. Tough pill to swallow on some days…especially when it is family or those close to you. As I always say (just ask my kids) it is what it is…moving on.

We can’t always choose the situations that life brings us, but we can choose the attitude we will use to face them. Powerful sentence.

Struggling

2007-08-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

There are moments when my strength seems to leave me. There are times when I feel as if I am drowning, and there is no one throwing in the life preserver. As I drove home from class tonight, actually as I sat through both of my classes I had an overwhelming sense of despair. It is the first time I have felt it since all of this has happened with my nephew.

I knew I was beginning to be crazy woman, but I thought it was because although I am on vacation and I have to have a scheduled itinerary now to get all things accomplished with a toddler in tow. Two weeks ago I could do nothing but think about spending the week unpacking, lounging, and just hanging out with my kids. Now I have to figure out how to be able to work, go to class, and now find child care when my children have been out of that for a couple of years.

I chose this, and I don’t for one second regret my decision, but I also know that others either don’t support it or look at my stress and say “well it was your choice” That is all well and good, but I know I am allowed to feel crazy, and frustrated. I will say it again, life is messy or at least mine is and I accept that. I don’t back down to a challenge especially when children are involved. If that makes me insane, than I guess I am.

I am not trying to be a martyr; I am trying to do what is right. I guess in some ways I am trying to right a wrong done 24 years ago by people who weren’t willing to roll up their sleeves, and deal with a few bumps in the road and change a life. Most would say i could not change a thing, you are DEAD wrong you can. Please if you even bother reading my blogs pray for children everywhere that don’t have anyone to hold them, feed them and let them know it will all be okay. And if you see it, and you know with all your gut what it is…DO something about it. DON’T ignore it. You can make a difference. Look your children in the eyes, and know that innocence. They didn’t choose their parents…

I am trusting that God will walk me though this. He always has. My life is in His hands.

James 1:5-6
If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.

Trust..yet again.

2007-08-04T22:09:00.000-07:00

Trust involves letting go and knowing God will catch you. - James Dobson

Proverbs 16:20 (NLT)
Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be joyful.

Isaiah 12:2 (NLT)
See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.”

Proverbs 29:25 (NLT)
Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.

As you can see from above I am once again dealing with letting go and trusting that God’s will be done. I know that I have (reluctantly) surrendered to the fact that I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my years, but I look at progress of the awareness is a plus!

I am trying desperately to make my path straight, and to follow where He leads, but people, places and things will and do become stumbling blocks for me. Fostering my nephew right now…I know it is what God has called me to do for this moment, but what will tomorrow bring? That is where the fear and anxiety tend to overrun me. I feel like I have so many balls in the air right now, and they all involve others lives. If I happen to drop one what will happen?

I have trusted God this far to do as He sees fit with the situation, and it has never happened in my timing. I have to trust whatever happens is what He intends to, but I will continue to follow my gut and my heart. I will pray till my knees hurt b/c not only does my nephew need me, my children need to see what trusting in the Lord “looks” like. The Lord commands me to teach up my children in His ways...

He who trusts in himself is lost. He who trusts in God can do all things. -Saint Alphonsus Liguori

A Meal for thought.

2007-08-02T21:51:00.000-07:00

As sure as ever God puts his children in the furnace, he will be in the furnace with them. ... C. H. Spurgeon (1834-1892)

"Child neglect, which is 63% of all substantiated cases of child abuse, is the most common form of child maltreatment reported to child protective services. It is defined as a "type of maltreatment that refers to the failure to provide needed age-appropriate care," such as shelter, food, clothing, education, supervision, medical care and other basic necessities needed for development of physical, intellectual and emotional capacities. Unlike physical and sexual abuse, neglect is usually typified by an ongoing pattern of inadequate care and is readily observed by individuals in close contact with the child. Physicians, nurses, day care personnel, relatives and neighbors are frequently the ones to suspect and report neglected infants, toddlers and preschool children."

God Knows Best by John McLeod, from "Peace...be ever yours"
I wonder, friend, how often you have wept a bitter tear And asked: "Why is this happening to me?" "What step was taken wrongly to deserve this dreary fate, What action brought about this tragedy?" Only to find in time a vital reason for it all, And Faith you thought so steady put to test, To look back with such wonder at the workings of his hands; 'Dear Lord, Thy will be done, and God knows best.'
It happens to us all, we are so mortal and so weak All too human in our strange an earthly ways, Falling often by the wayside on our journey through this life Seeking light and fighting ignorance's haze. Truly friends, the help is there, for as ye seek so ye shall find And at journey's end how well you shall be blessed If you truthfully can say without a doubt within your heart Dear Lord, Thy will be done, and God knows best!

So I ask, where do I go from here? The answer is very plain to me. Look into those eyes and tell me you could turn your back. Ignorance is not an excuse.
-A

All things work together for His glory…

2007-07-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am still alive! I survived the move…barely. :) I have bruises from unknown culprits, muscles aches from muscles I believe I was unaware still functioned and still so much to do! But I am grateful. I am grateful for my family and the home that we are creating. I am thankful to my loving, talented husband…he exhausted himself to the bone in a weeks time for our family. I am very proud to show anyone the tremendous job he did.

I know that over the weeks I have expressed how much of the time I struggle with understanding God’s will for my life. What is my purpose? Why did I go through what I did? And obviously the list goes on. I have accepted that I may never know the “exact” answer to that question, but I do know that God reveals to us tiny facets of answers only when we trust and have faith and when we don’t expect rewards or perfect answers.

I see His loving hand working in and through me in many situations now. I don’t look at what I don’t have, but what I do. When I am able to flip it around in that aspect, boy does that change my perspective.

I can’t go into too many details, but those close to us know what I am speaking of, within the last 24 hours our lives have changed again…I haven’t even unpacked the last box and a new set of challenges presents itself. But…it is okay. He has always provided for us even when we didn’t even have a clue as to how. He knows my everything. He will give us what we need, not what we “think” we want.

The peace that I am able to have now giving it to Him is a huge relief.

Psalm 139
1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

Love Never Fails

2007-07-23T12:32:00.000-07:00

Love is patient, love is kind, Love does not insist on its own way. Love bears all things, believes all things, Hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. - I Corinthians 13:4-8

This will probably be the only post I post this week due to our “moving” week. Life is so very crazy, and it is so easy to lose sight. I know I talk about this a lot, but I guess we have seasons where certain issues are more prevalent. I think mine maybe an “extended” season if you will. :-)

I started reading the bible from the beginning about the middle of last year. I am currently in Corinthians. I have re-read 1 Corinthians 13 so very many times, but for some reason when I read it this time it just meant so much more. I took the time to really read it, and let it sink in.

As we entered our “new” home this weekend, I wanted to turn around and just say forget it. This is too hard. This sucks. Love is patient, love is kind. It is so much simpler to take the easy way out…or is it? As I laid my head down that night I thought through the evenings events, and realized how ungrateful I may seem to my God. It is a house…our family is what will make it a home. All of us together, working together, getting on each others nerves etc. Though certain things may seem “simpler” they are not always what is right. They may seem easier now, but the consequences of trying to take the easy way out will always come back or follow us. Love does not insist on its own way.

It is so difficult not to want to take control, b/c right now I really don’t know where God is leading each of us. It comes down to trust. Love bears all things, believes all things.

I need to remember that Chelsey’s blood work came back better…my kids are healthy, we have options, my husband still loves me. (today anyway!) Some things that are going on in our (extended family still) life that I cannot go into detail about, but just knowing this system sometimes just doesn’t work and innocent children become victims. But I refuse to give up on them. Hopes all things, endures all things.

I helped Kylee paint her room, and it was trying but fun. There were moments when me and her were on the ladder together, (scary I know) and I just smile at the memories we created. As this week continues to be stressful, crazy, and I am ready to yank my hair out or lose my temper I will remember this verse. At the end of the day… Love never fails.

Tomorrow, what will you do with it?

2007-07-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

This will be ever so brief...i have studied till my eyes are now crossed. Lots of things running through my mind...life, happiness, sadness, hopelessnes...as we know the list goes on.

O how we muddle our lives...oh how some things will never make sense. For tomorrow is another day..what shall I make of it? Everyday begins anew, what will I do with it? Every moment someone around us needs us, will I be there for them? Life will happen again tomorrow, will I do something differently?

Don't let anyone define who you are, don't let someone elses choices become your own. God is the only one who will never let you down even when you feel so alone.

Psalm 30:1-3

I will exalt you, O LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave you spared me from going down into the pit.

To my husband- happy 10years...we have so much more to learn and grow. May our Father be our guide always..thank you for listening to Him all these years even when I know you didn't want to.

Be a blessing...

Progress...

2007-07-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

Self-fulfilled prophesy. Do you know what that means? I have done it a lot in my life. I expect bad, dwell on bad, and ultimately the bad happens. I still do it, but I try to catch myself before I go too far with it, b/c it can be a cancer to me and those around me. We are all so blessed, but we lose focus b/c of our center of the universe is fixed on ME. Does that mean that I don’t have validated things going on? No, but if they consume me and I can’t see past them to anyone else it will lead me to sin even further.

At church today a man was baptized, but before that he gave his testimony. I felt that raw emotion. That gut wrenching, God help me, honesty. I remember that myself four years ago this month. I felt so close to my maker and the freedom it meant for all of those faccids I hid behind for years. I also felt that I don’t do that enough now…I need to. I need to be laying all of that is going on in my life at the altar and let God have the control.

As I have continued to bounce from 2 books by Max Lucado I am amazed at how much I tend to forget what was done for me. As I spoke to Anna today about some things that I struggle with I realized I am not alone. I have always had trust issues, and that I believe is one of the things that kept me from coming to Christ before. I have almost always been let down by parents, siblings, family, and friends. I have learned (not a good thing) to keep a certain amount of distance. It tends to hurt less. Or so my heart says…

I have nailed so many things to the cross…my drinking, my parents, anger, smoking...all the “big” ones to me. I started thinking today what do I move onto next? Three items came to mind: jealousy, envy, and yes again that little one called anger. Progress not perfection right??!

For years I believed that there was something wrong with me b/c I don’t have a ton of friends, very rarely have 1 close friend, and don’t really hang out with anyone but my intimate family. I berated myself, picked myself to pieces believing I was not worth the gum on the bottom of a shoe…damaged goods. I had to learn that God believed I was worthy and lovable. Can I even begin to tell you how unbelievably difficult that was?

Anyway my point is I have accepted who I am now. The good, the bad and the ugly. Now do I believe I don’t have much to work on? That would be an emphatic NO. I still have so much growing and learning to do, but one thing did change. I won’t compromise who I am to make anyone happy. I used to a lot, but for one I wasn’t good at it b/c I wear my heart on my sleeve, but also it made me feel very wrong and fake. I don’t go out of my way to approach people who are unapproachable. Some of that I do believe I need to work on b/c I can be a VERY unapproachable person, but for the most part you can tell when people could really care less what you have to say or think.

You can’t make everyone happy, and if you try you will die trying. The one who means the most is the one I need to be concerned with, and that one is God.

Micah 6:8
And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Celebrate :-)

2007-07-11T20:58:00.000-07:00

Well another week gone by, and some good news…smoke free for 24 hrs today! I celebrate only for the moment b/c it has been anything but easy. Probably harder than getting sober if you can believe that! Only by the grace of God…Praise Him!

With studying now, working, and just trying to get prepared for our big move has been overwhelming obviously more times than not in the last month and half. I can tell b/t the stress of it all, and my body adjusting to not having the nicotine nerves are very frayed. Emotions have been on high, and I know the kids and andrew have felt it more in the last 2 weeks than the whole time…I realized the other night after I had studied pretty much non-stop every night I needed to regroup. Stop. Open the good word and refuel on His truths for my life.

Does that mean smooth roads? Not in this life time! But refocusing on taking one day at a time, one issue at a time, and letting God do the rest is all I can humanly do for today.
Only He knows what tomorrow will bring.

I came across something to ponder. Again by Max Lucado-

“In every age of history, on every page of Scripture, the truth is revealed: God allows us to make our own choices. And no one delineates this more clearly than Jesus. According to him, we can choose:
A narrow gate or a wide gate (Matt. 7:13-14)
A narrow road or a wide road (Matt 7:13-14)
The big crowd or the small crowd (Matt. 7:13-14)

We also can choose to:
Build on rock or sand (Matt. 7:24-27)
Serve God or riches (Matt. 6:24)
Be numbered among the sheep or the goats (Matt. 25:32-33)

How much more of a clearer picture do I need? We can never say we don’t have a choice…

Be a blessing.

So very selfish!

2007-07-02T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well it has been a moment since I last wrote on here. As always my life is never boring! It has been stressful, eye-opening, and more understanding is always revealed if I allow myself to see it!

I found out in the last couple of weeks how slowly our system works even though the facts are staring so plainly in the face it may blind them, and seeing how SO many children are left in the wake of our “going by the book” methods. I have never felt so helpless and hopeless. I had to walk away and all I could think about was I know God loves these children, but why do they have to endure this pain and hardship? Hard one to explain to my children as well…

I have started back to school, I am also in the process of quitting smoking, we are moving in about 3 weeks, my job just moved locations today…do I need to go on? In the midst of this I have one get a way; I read. I have tried very hard to give my children the love of reading, and gratefully they do! We love to go to the library. It is something they look forward to so much that they remind me we are going that day at least 3-4 times! Anyway, I found a book that has been one of those aha moments, and a much needed read for myself.

It is “A Love Worth Giving” by Max Lucado. I have highlighted, taken notes like crazy in this book. Some food for thought and reminders that stood out I wanted to share. One is a something by the apostle Paul... “Selfishness is an obsession with self that excludes others, hurting everyone.” And following that Lucado says “Looking after your personal interests is proper life management. Doing so to the exclusion of the rest of the world is selfishness.” Ouch. For me, I know how selfish I can be sometimes especially when my whole world around me is utter and complete chaos.

I also know that I tend to focus more on all of the negative things in my life during this chaos, forgetting what God has done for me. He brought me up from the pit of hell, and gave me life. He has blessed me time and time again…do I deserve it? No, but He does it lovingly. Always welcomes me back when I turn my back on Him. What other person in our lives would do that time and time again willingly with no resentments, fears, untrust etc..?? None that I know of. Trying to get out of “self” is an everyday uphill battle. It is our human nature to think of number 1. That is how I was taught. I don’t want to teach that to my children.

Nothing in this life is worth holding onto… I thought long and hard about that the other day. All the things we gather homes, cars, clothes, jewelry, photos, the list goes on the meaning behind some of those items I get, but we put so much stock in those things “making who we are”, that the line is blurred on who we are serving. That brings me full circle to the question; “am I serving myself in all I do or am I serving others as Jesus did?” Does the world have to always revolve around me and what is going on in my life or can I take my eyes off me me me, and focus on asking someone else how they are doing? Or is there anything they need? As I type this I had another aha moment. One person I know I see almost daily always asks me how I am doing, and I almost always have something negative to say b/c of crazy life right now. What does that say about me? What does that say about my walk? Ugh…work in progress.

Ephesians 5:1-2 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Do I have a choice to get off this ride?? :-)

2007-06-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

Another week gone by and so many emotions touched yet again. Fear and anxiety can paralyze me. It can trap me in an abyss of nothingness if I allow it.

Where does this come from? Well as most have read from my previous posts life is a roller coaster right now, but you know when isn’t it!? I guess right now it just feels more so.

We went to see my father in law last week, and he finally got the halo off! It was awesome to see him without that mangle of metal. It was a beautiful sight to see him with color on his face, and a smile to go with it! My kids laughed, and enjoyed time with grandpa, and that was wonderful to watch. Those are moments that are priceless, and make you realize the daily grind really is so unimportant in the grander scheme of life.

The house issue has almost in some ways drawing down to a close in the fact that we see progress in where we are “going to land” now in sight. I feel good, relieved, sad all balled up into one. I spent tonight going through a cabinet full of pictures and items from the kids from over the years. We have had to do a lot of purging this time around knowing we are downsizing considerably. I think that is good…hard, but good. I laughed, cried, and laughed some more with the kids over looking at how much my beautiful babies are no longer babies…

Looking at memories I realized we have been happy no matter where we are…that is what is important. I need to realize how so unbelievably blessed I am to have these wonderful children, and a husband who has been able to stick by me even when he shouldn’t have. I am trying to focus on knowing we are all in this together, and that is how we will make it through…with God as our guide...

Lastly as the week is drawing to a close my dear sweet daughter and her blood work. I went to get my hair cut by my lovely sister in law, and as she lovingly washed my hair (which I normally don’t want her to stop), the tears came again. I had taken Chelsey to Parkview, and the whole way to Anna’s my mind raced. Fears, dreads, what-ifs..I was making myself a nut case. I am grateful that it was Anna who was the one it happened with..(not sure if she was!). She said what I needed to hear…

Today I called the liver transplant coordinator, and to my dismay they elevated again….Fear, scared again. Chelsey’s GI doctor is out of the country, but will be back on Monday so she said they will make a decision than on what course of action to take. The may increase her dose of medication, which to most seems like nothing, but it is. The medicine that she takes is saving her life, but it is very potent. It can cause long term kidney damage, which could lead to diabetes or cancer. Anyway, please continue to keep her in your prayers.

Till the next adventure…
-A

Open the flood gates of heaven and let it rain…

2007-06-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been vicariously walking through life, and even though every thing around you is insane and unknown…you are thinking "hey I can handle all of this right?" I have been though worse right?

Sometimes my strength is a huge weakness. I try so hard to be strong, b/c I have let myself be defeated with shame, guilt and failure so many times in my life that I do not like showing or being vulnerable. The problem is I can’t balance them. It is a positive to have strength, but vulnerability is what makes us reach out for help to others and most importantly to God. BALANCE…another one of those items that constantly evades me!

What brought this post on…well lets just go from the top! I started my day like any other. I got up, got the kids up, took them to school and went to my job. On the way to work my windshield wiper broke. Once at work, I had a plan as to how my day was supposed to go, well we all know how that works out huh? My kids only had a ½ day of school so why by 10:30 am did I get a call from the school?! My son (who can be overdramatic, no idea where he gets it) had stepped on something this weekend, and told me he thought it was a thorn, but he got it out. Well the secretary at the school had him down in her office with him complaining of pain and swelling. She proceeded to tell me if she was his mom she would be taking him to the doctor. Well, anyone who knows me, I was on the defensive, b/c it made me feel like a horrible mother.

Moving on. Came home to take him to Redi-Med, and good grief I think more than ½ of Ft. Wayne was coughing, hacking, and sitting in the waiting room. I spent the first 20 min dealing with insurance…what an unbelievable pain! My youngest daughter insisted that she come along, and after about 2 hrs she was done. I had to have my oldest daughter come get her…my son was complaining, and I felt like the room was shrinking and all these sick people were on top of me! We finally left after about 2.5 hrs and I was already spent, but I had 3 hungry kids, a dirty house, and had to go get my son’s prescription filled. That was another point where I wanted to just sit down and cry! Here we go again with insurance and bureaucratic BS and another hour of waiting!

I was beyond spent by time I actually got home. I have been trying to be strong knowing we are going to have to walk away from our house that I have spent more sobriety in than I haven’t. The house that me and the kids have been able to spend time painting, gardening etc. It hit me hard today. I know it is just a house, but it has become our home…I know that there are worse things in life, and they could be worse for us, but that doesn’t change the fact that it does hurt. I fell apart. The tears came, and the heart felt like it was breaking. I don’t think, after reflecting tonight, that it was all about the house. That is a big part, but knowing Chels is due back for blood work, at my job there are some things changing that make me nervous, I don’t know…it just all piled up, and the floodgates opened and it rained.

Thank God for my husband. We have been through more in 10 years of marriage than some couples have in 20 years, but he reminded me today the one thing or person that has always been consistent and gotten us through…that one is God. He has always provided even when we had no idea how…I know now more than ever I have to immerse myself in Him or I will drown. That scares me more than anything…

I have to focus on my blessings, on the things I do have. Sorry for the rant, but I had to get it out and re-focus. I have learned when I try to be super woman, and take it all on…everything falls apart b/c I am trying to do it alone. It is like a small child putting there hand on a stove, you pull them away and redirect. That is what God is doing for me.

I know the floodgates have to empty out, and that is okay.

Standing on the edge...

2007-06-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

I have recently been reading another series written by Tim LaHaye (author of the Left Behind Series), and this one is Babylon Rising. It has been an enthralling series! I have read all 4 books in a month! Anyway there have been many issues and thoughts that have come from me reading books that make me look at life as it is instead of ignoring things I don’t want to see or deal with… (government, fuel/oil, policies, world leaders etc...)

Anyway I came across (to me anyway) two pertinent questions that honestly I think I needed to ponder. We as a society are becoming more and more accepting of just about anything, and I have to admit that I fall into that as well. I am not talking about racism or prejudice b/c I am completely against any of that talk…my children will not grow up with that ignorance and that is all it is. I am talking cults…witchcraft (Harry potter), fairies, tarot cards, psychics, astrology, Ouija boards etc. Now I never got into a lot of these things and I am very grateful, but many around me did.

I mean do I open the paper and look under my sign...well yes I have. Do I think it is a load of you know what most of the time? That would be a very big YES. I have learned whatever God has planned for my life will be with or without my consent!

Anyway, the two questions he asks are; “To what extent have I been exposed to occult-type philosophy? And two “how has it affected my thinking and daily life? These may mean nothing to anyone else, but they stuck out to me b/c things such as celebrating Halloween, and some things that I just found out with a little research on Easter…not about Jesus, but about the bunnies, colored eggs…etc. I think once your aware of something to do it just because is disobedience. I by no means am saying that anyone who celebrates Halloween is a devil worshipper! I guess when I look at the background of how it came about, and what it represents it makes it very hard to know that I am allowing my children to be apart of it. They know that they are not allowed to go as ghouls, devils…etc, but ughh where do you draw the line??

That is just my take…I just kept thinking after I read this when my children are older are they going to be even more accepting into the “worlds views” or what and who God is and wants them to do in their lives. I guess we all know what it is to worship or idolize something or someone, but even for myself I don’t think we know the depth of something’s until we really look at it, and ask those questions we really don’t even blink an eye at most of the time… Just a thought…

I just recently found out that two people that I was pretty close to are agnostic. I was disappointed b/c I know that the one was brought up in a Christian home, and I know she knows God, but she is very angry with where her life is…all I can do is pray that she will realize why she is feeling so empty.

Any thoughts on this are more than welcome.
-A

More to this life? (sorry long)

2007-05-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts and real questions… The last few weeks I have thought time and time again there has got to be more to this life. Every time that crosses my mind I think of the song by Steven Curtis Chapman…there has got to be more to this life than living and dying, and more than just trying to make it through the day.

As I wake up to a new day I think to myself what does this day hold? Mostly it is the same routine. Shower, get ready for work, listen and referee the kids fighting before school, rushing out the door hoping I didn’t forget to shut off the flat iron, do the kids have their lunches..etc. As I drive my 25 min drive to my job many days I just stare out the window at the other cars wondering how their morning started out, where are they going and what is God thinking about us rushing around to the next thing?

The last two years have been a roller coaster with jobs, family and just trying to live each day doing the next right thing. I have battled everyday of my life just to have stability, and that is the one thing that constantly evades me. I have gotten better about putting many things into God’s hands, but I struggle immensely still much of the time.

With the husband getting a stable job I really thought everything else would just fall into line…again God had another plan for me. I decided yet again to try and go back to school for the 4th time. I really thought/think that I studied very hard in high school, and want to take my life and career in the direction of being able to use the skills and all of the mistakes and lessons to help others. I love the job I do now, and love the people I work with, but I have that constant tug of knowing this can’t be all I do for the rest of my life. Is that wrong?

I have taken the steps to put that dream in motion, and no more does the ink dry on my college application than we have the decision to make that we are going to lose our home no matter how we slice it. Even though there is income coming in we fell in a deep hole that the only way to fix that is to downsize. We also have the task of trying to keep our children in the private school that I feel is imperative to their futures, but because of the horrendous financial place we were for over 8 months, that now the decision is left in the hands of someone who only sees the bottom line…MONEY. Why…oh how I am struggling with all of this. Tooo much change and fears of the unknown.

We want to do what is best for our family, but that is going to be a lot of growing pains and change again. It is so hard to look at your kids and feel like you haven’t failed them. I know in the grand scheme of things that is not true, but tell my heart that when I see those tears streaming down my child’s face.

Have I lost sight of what is truly important? I just know that we spend 99% of our time trying to figure out how we are going to make it the next day. I feel myself, more so than not lately, feeling like I am sinking into a vacuum of despair wondering when are we ever going to have at least a month where we are not making life altering decisions. Or is this the way it is supposed to be? I know we can’t be the only ones, but honestly I haven’t found any other couples who are willing to admit to it.

Within the next week I take my daughter back for her blood work to see if the numbers have come down, and I can’t help but not wanting to run away…the direction things are going my fears are exacerbated. I know that what ever God has in store for us will be, and I know He has it all worked out…I just need to trust Him. I am trying…

Family? Huh?

2007-05-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

Family? What makes a family a family? Blood? Born into? This has been something that I have been mulling over for about a week and a half. Obviously things have occurred to bring it to the forth front of my mind.

From my blogs and if you know me I know that most of you know how very dysfunctional my childhood was, and I grew up with my maternal grandparents, and aunts and uncles that were more like siblings b/c of our ages.

But now 2o some odd years later, both my grandma and grandpa are gone (the ones that raised me), one sister is in Nevada, one is in Decatur, and the brother is incarcerated. Aunts, Uncles, and cousins (maternal) cease to exist. They are really still living, but not involved in mine or my children’s lives. None of them. My father’s family wrote us off when my parents died. My only living grandparent is my father’s mom, and I do not know her. She has never seen my children...ever.

With all that it just makes a person sad to know that life is so short, and in my eyes we were created to be there for each other. Catch each other when we fall…Growing up with in my grandparent’s home we had people around all the time. Of course you had you constant blow-ups and storm outs, but hey whose family doesn’t?! We were always getting together for something, and nowadays…well either a birth or a death and you may get a card or a visit…. Are we really that consumed with our lives or that busy?

I keep thinking it is my job to reach out and say enough already, and if they reject me again than you know what I tried. But…pride is a killer. It sucks to have to always be the one to reach out, but if I don’t who will?

I realize now that I have created my own family with my husband and my kids…and oh yes my animals! I think God knew that my compassion for others b/c of the loneliness I sometimes feel puts me in a position to reach out to others, and be their family. Some of the people that love me the most are not blood related. Much of this is babbling b/c I am still in the great debate with myself over how to approach this next hurdle in my life. I also know you can have tons of family, and still be one of the loneliest people b/c of how “busy” everyone is now.

My best friends growing up were my cousins…I loved hanging out with my aunts and uncles…my kids again see theirs on holidays, birthdays, and deaths…Why is this??!! Do I need to do more?

Any thoughts???

-A

The tongue..ugh what a powerful tool.

2007-05-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. James 3:5-6

As I was journaling the other night, and reflecting on the day I began to think through what my many defects that I am struggling with are. Very first one that came to my mind was my tongue. I began to look up verses, and came across this one above in James...wow how powerful our tongues can be. Praise in one way, and curse out another!

A small spark, that is all it takes. I started thinking about all the things I say in a day without even thinking. That brought me to 2 Corinthians 6:3-4 We live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry. In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God.

Words that are spoken by the tongue can cut like a knife. The hurts that are imprinted on my mind from my childhood and beyond were things said to me. The physical abuse was hard, but the words were harder to let go of.

A situation that I was put into today was a perfect example. Without identifying the person it may be difficult. I had to take "someone" somewhere today, and they have children, and the person watching their children has children. So we are talking 7 young ears...all under the age of 6. If I could count the profanity that was uttered in a matter of less than 3 minutes, all aimed at or around the children, I couldn't even tell you.... I wanted to cry. My heart was broken for all of the children, but to be quite honest they know no different. So very sad.

With the situation that I speak of...right now my hands are tied b/c of reasons I cannot disclose. I am an observer of sorts, but it is killing me. My gut instinct is to take all of those children and run, but I have learned the hard way I can't. I have to follow others rules...all I can do is pray, and hope God will give me strength to not let my tongue get the best of me towards the adults. I have to keep the door open to be a small light for these children to see this is not all there is to this life.

I don't want to make my own children stumble b/c of my tongue, but I also know I am not perfect. I am not above sitting my children down and asking for forgiveness...i have actually realized that humbling myself to my kids shows them how to humble themselves and not let pride overpower what is right.

Having the knowledge that words can cut like a knife from first hand experience is the first step to knowing that I have a choice to try and do the best I can to control my tongue. Let everything that comes from my mouth be a blessing to God...even on a very bad day! Progress not perfection.

Thinking and kids...

2007-05-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 8-9

As I read tonight, this verse stood out to me. I believe since being saved the Holy Spirit convicts me. My heart is not always there, my mind is not always open, but if I give Him a chance He is talking to me. Even when I am not He finds a way to get my attention!

I actually had a pretty good weekend, but there is a underlying gnawing feeling that I can't quite shake. I have some ideas of what is weighing heavy on my heart, but until I stop and listen I will not be able to move forward.

My children are my life, and I know now that making sure that they grow up as children after God's own heart is much of job of mine. I remember reading in Job a verse that flipped my thinking, but also provided insight to me. He prayed for forgiveness of his childrens sins. That had never even entered my mind before. I found that profound to ask for forgiveness for a sin that I had not committed, but that showed me that Job loved his children enough to take them to God with whatever he was dealing with in the context of his childrens sins as well.

I would be a fool if I wasn't honest and said somedays i feel like i have failed terribly with my kids. I know on the outside people would say I am too hard on myself, but in some ways I know my children are paying for my sins of the past as I have paid and sometimes continue to pay for my parents sins. It can get overwhelming if I over analyze, which I do alot, but i also know ignoring it or saying it won't be my problem in a few years...well really is just not an option for me.

I monitor (or try) pretty much all that would potentially fill my childrens heads. From music, TV, books to people I try to make sure that they don't have volumes of negative or suggestive things going in at a rapid pace, but unfortuantely as I am sure we all can relate, when you have teenagers who believe they know it all, and we are just overly anal, than we begin to see a dissension in the ranks for a lack of a better term.

I feel sometimes I enable, overprotect and so on b/c I truly don't want them to make the same choices I did. But I also know that b/c of the lack of protection and love I didn't get, I tend to pour it out on my children in some way trying to make up for what I didn't have. Unfortunately that usually tends to backfire. I see adults in their late 20's, early 30's with parents still bailing them out, making excuses, and taking responsiblity that is not theirs to take. Awww where is the happy middle??!

I know that we all go through this, and all things always work themselves out, but I am worried, scared, and that hurts to say it, but I am. I have really good kids don't get me wrong, but am I raising kids that will be perpetually afraid and untrusting to the outside world? Somedays I know that is yes, and that is a direct reflection of my own thinking. No matter what anyone says our kids watch, immitate, and soak up all that we are and do. There is many occasions that I see that and smile, and there are others where I just want to curl up and cry.

I have to be able to let go some of that trying to control b/c if I don't they will be hindered as they grow. A work in progress as I always say...

Rambling again.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (NIV)
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Did you know?

2007-05-10T11:34:00.000-07:00

I had one of those moments today that no parent wants. A phone call...

Some more info before i go further-My oldest daughter will be 14 years out of transplant this October. It has not been an easy road, but I thank God everyday that I have her in my life. For many of you who don't know she was born with Biliary Atresia. What that means in short version is: The cause of biliary atresia is unknown. Auto-immune mechanisms may be partly responsible for the progressive process that takes place. Although the cause is uncertain, it is known that biliary atresia affects only newborns; it is not hereditary; it is not contagious; and it is not preventable. Parents should be assured that biliary atresia is not caused by anything the mother did during pregnancy. (classkids.org)

It took me awhile to understand that it wasn't my fault that she had this. I was tormented before they reassured me over and over that it wasn't anything i did or didn't do. As a parent it is our job to protect our children. The pain that I had to watch my firstborn endure was almost too much all of the time. I would have done anything to have taken her place...It taught me much about life. I was so angry for a long time b/c I wanted to know why my daughter got this. It was 1 in 20,000 births! Why her? I had to let that go, and focus on doing whatever it took to keep her alive and healthy. There are days I know I drive her insane, and vice versa, but I love her and would die for her as I would all my children.

This is a story that could go on with many ups and downs, but that would be a book not a blog! Back to the phone call...i dread taking her for bloodwork every 3 months. Not only does it suck to see her poked, but the anticipation and dread that i endure waiting for that phone call to either tell me all is good, or all is not. Today the liver transplant coordinator called to tell me that her labs were elevated. My heart dropped. There has been so much that has gone on in the past year, and my first instinct was panic, and than I started losing it. I cannot express what it feels like to know that we will have to do this for the rest of her life, and even more so knowing she will have to deal with this for her life. I hate the thought of her ever moving out b/c than I cannot hover over her! I am sure she would say otherwise.

I know that I cannot try to take the control back from God b/c He is in control, and I know He loves her as much as I do. Does that eliminate my fear? No, but it helps me to get through this 24 hours.
In all of this what I am asking is please pray for her, and her labs to go back to normal. Please pray for me for strength, wisdom, and the sanity of my family that I don’t drive them all crazy with worry!

Also I cannot even wrap my mind around if we would have to go through the whole transplantation again, but i know in a drop second I would if it meant saving her again. Please share with your kids, co-workers, neighbors anyone that will listen the importance of education on being an organ donor. Without it I would not have my daughter, and kids die each day b/c of the lack of organs.

Below I have pulled statistics from the Donate Life America Website. This is real, and you never know when you may be on the other side of the decision.

-Almost 100,000 men, women and children currently need life-saving organ transplants.
-Every 12 minutes another name is added to the national organ transplant waiting list.
-An average of 18 people die each day from the lack of available organs for transplant.
-In 2005, there were 7,593 deceased organ donors and 6,895 living organ donors resulting in 28,108 organ transplants.
-In 2005, 44,000 grafts were made available for transplant by eye banks within the United States.
-Approximately 1,000,000 tissue transplants are performed annually.
-According to research, 98% of all adults have heard about organ donation and 86% have heard of tissue donation.
-90% of Americans say they support donation, but only 30% know the essential steps to take to be a donor.

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts-
A

Time heals all wounds...

2007-05-04T20:53:00.000-07:00

A wound can be seen, felt, or sometimes both. Does time really eventually heal all our wounds?

This coming Monday is the anniversary of the day I had to say goodbye to my grandmother, who was monumental in who I have become after my own mother died. At the beginning of knowing she was going to leave this earth, I understood it was God's time...not my own. I spent those weeks asking for forgiveness, sharing the gospel with her, and mostly telling her I loved her. When she took her last breath...I felt the life being knocked out of me. I ran. Only one other time that I ran like that...24 years ago when my mom took her last breath. Have I healed completely? Yes and no. Will I someday? I think so...when I reach Heaven and I am reunited with them I think I will. Can I dwell on what is no longer? No. Can I rejoice, and focus on what they brought to my life? Yes, b/c I choose to.

This week has encompassed many emotions. I felt great all week, but I kept thinking I am not allowed to feel this good about life. I am comfortable waiting for the other "shoe" to drop. In someways situations arose that seeped in to that thinking. I am still dealing with (and will for awhile I am sure) life changing issues with extended family. I also found out that a young man that I cared deeply for, felt the despair that I understand more than I would like to, took his own life. Such a sad, heart wrenching waste of life. This will be the second son his mother has had to bury..those are deep wounds. And another issue that came tonight, a father who has been non-existant deciding to jump back in, and the tidal waves of his current are being felt...tears and emotions turned upside down yet again.

But in all this I praise God. I have to. I have too many blessings in my life to focus on the whys, the whens, and what about me?? As I held my young nephew tonight...he looked at me with the eyes of faith. He knows when he is here he will be loved, cared for, and safe. The emotion that I felt when he finally stood in front of me and began to take his first steps..I can't even express. That faith. That trust. Knowing I would catch him if he fell...a phrase that I always said to my grandma came to my mind...My cup runneth over. Life goes on...it always does even when we feel like we can't.

Time will heal if we allow it. Sometimes it just takes alot of it...He will catch me when I fall, when I doubt, and when I fail over and over.. Because that is who He is.

Mark 9:23-Anything is possible if a person believes.

*Please keep the Stegaman family in your prayers...The young mans name was Rodney.

Which one do you follow?

2007-05-03T10:27:00.000-07:00

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars He loved the poor and accosted the rich So which one do you want to be? Who is this that you follow This picture of the American dream If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet.. (excerpt from a song by Todd Agnew)

I have heard this song many times, and just recently I think it just sank in. What a compelling and difficult question to ask myself..He spent so much time with the less fortunate, and I feel we as a society try to distance ourselves from people we believe are "lesser" than ourselves. Who put us on a pedestal?? I started thinking yesterday now that my husband finally has a "stable" job what will we do once we get things caught up? Go and get the material things we have been wanting, but couldn't afford? My sinfullness and straight honesty with you was the answer instantly was yes!

But the Holy Spirit convicted me before that thought could go further...No, we were in such a bad place monetarily and spiritually in the last year, that as a family I feel once we get "control" of our situation we need to learn to give back sacrificially. And not just with money, with time, love and one on one attention. That is so difficult in this world of want and constant busyness with things after this life is over don't mean a thing.

I just know that if Jesus were standing next to me, which I believe He does in many situations, how would I handle it? I also know that without wanting accolades of praise is the way I should give.

I am sometimes overwhelmed with my sinfullness, my past and so forth, but i know that God is always waiting there with open arms, and He is the only one that knows my true heart. We as a people believe from what we are taught that it is okay to classify, judge, and put people "unlike" us in a box. Jesus went against the grain, and welcomed those in need in. He obeyed His father. As I have gotten older and not having parents from the age of 9 on, obedience has been a struggle for me. I can only pray that I follow Jesus in His ways not my own, and obey my father...it is a work in progress and will be until I leave this earth..

What do you think?

Laughter :)

2007-04-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I posted...I am surprised b/c I always have alot to say! It has been a little nuts in our household, which I know is nothing new, but a little more so than usual!

Most of my posts are so serious in nature...much like my personality, but I wanted to share laughter and love from this weekend. Me and the fam went out of town to see my father-in-law in the hospital he was just moved to, and it ended up being a family trip as well. We took him on a very long walk outside (it was a beautiful day), and as we walked I soaked alot of things in. I watched my hubby push his father in the wheel chair, and my love for him grew. I know that may sound strange, but seeing how he has been with his family in the last 4 months is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. (i tend to forget, and need reminders!)

It has been a lesson for my kids as well to know what it means to be there for family through the good and the not so good.

Later that evening we met up with one of my dear friends, that has stuck by my side through the good, the bad and the ugly. (i haven't seen her in 3 years)It was so different to not be focused on bills, problems etc.. We went out later with her and my brother in laws, and my hubby...can i just say that my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard. I had forgotten what it does for your mind to step away and enjoy life! Laugh...boy did I! I felt like me and the hubby were able to renew that fun side that has been so forgotten and lost with the issues that we have had to endure for the past year or so.

I know this post doesn't say much except that I can be happy sometimes! I am grateful for those I have around me, and feel blessed that I have been given the opportunity to love them all!

When I first open my eyes upon the morning meadows and look out upon the beautiful world, I thank God I am alive.
Author:
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Who are you?

2007-04-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

As I was doing laundry, ironing, and just doing the daily grind...i stopped when the rest of the house finally became quiet and opened the book "The Selected Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson" (i do believe I may be a little obsessed with this guy..!)

Anyway a paragraph that I happened to read jumped out at me..okay no not literally, but it stood out. I will share only a portion of it..he writes "I learn immediately from any speaker how much he has already lived, through the poverty or the splendor of his speech. Life lies behind us as the quarry from whence we get tiles and copestones for the masonry of today." What I think made this stand out was because I began to wonder how much of my daily life (work, kids, extended family, strangers etc) reflects me today or my past from whence I came? Or is it too much of one? Is it balanced?

I started really looking over how I have portrayed myself with my speech, body language etc, and thought if I asked those around me (and they were brutally honest!) what would they say about who I am? I know many say I am a survivor, strong-willed, very bull-headed...but is that it? Who am I to those that are closest to me, and those that stand from afar? I know those are big questions, but, well, that is who I am. I am an analyzer..to a fault. I think in some ways it is beneficial, b/c if we all took the time to reflect on how we affect others, wouldn't that make us strive to be more?

As I posted yesterday my son lost a grandfather Saturday night, and today I saw in him not consumed with sadness, (which at his age I would have been) but compassion and the realization that he wanted anyone he touched to know he loved them... Me and his father divorced when he was very young, but my son has always known that me and his father will do whatever it takes to be there for HIM. Our families have a bond that some see as unheard of, but I see it as a blessing in a hard situation. We genuinely care for each other, our spouses, and the other children involved. For that I am so very grateful.

If I left this world tomorrow what kind of mark or legacy would I leave behind? I struggle everyday to work past pride, anger, selfishness...the list goes on, and somedays I really just want to throw in the towel. Today was one of them. People drive you crazy, noone is doing what you want them to do, bills pile up, nerves are shot...shall I go on? But...at the end of tonight before I lay my head on that pillow I have to thank God for another breath...another 24 hrs to be there for my kids..another chance to do it different tomorrow.

Grief & Life

2007-04-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

In some ways I look back over my last couple of posts in the blink of an eye, and everything happens for a reason and I think hmmm do you know something is coming?

Today I had to sit and hold my baby boy (yes he is 12, but he is my baby still), and explain to him that it will be okay. He lost his grandfather on his dad's side unexpectedly last night. The last couple of months have been rough on him b/c of his grandpa Jim, and now this. To look in to those sad baby blues and tell him I love him and it is all going to be okay about broke my heart in two.

It is so hard sometimes to understand the dynamic of why some people seem to be taken from us so early, and why some (mass murderers, rapists) are left here for longer. It also goes back to me saying in an earlier post I can't try to figure out God's reasoning of this...it is wayy bigger than my mind can wrap around, but it still hurts us none the less.

As I sat with him tonight and prayed with him...all I could do was tell him that his grandpa is in no pain. He is up there with God watching over him, and is awaiting the day when we will meet again. This isn't goodbye for good, just a temporary vacation of sorts.... I don't know if that helped him process this...he is hurting. All I can do is turn him over to my Lord, and keep reassuring him we are all here for him.

This reinterated to me that as his grandfather and his wife went to bed last night they had no idea that would be the last time they would together....In the blink of an eye your life can change forever...Hold on to the ones you love, and let them know you do. Don't let yourself go to bed with anger or unforgiveness on your heart...

It's spring..time to prune.

2007-04-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

When I think of spring I get excited to plant new flowers, to see my trees bloom, but one thing I don't enjoy is cleaning out the old leaves, weeds, and pruning. The one definition of pruning is to remove (anything considered superfluous or undesirable). To me that is also a metaphor of our lives. Spring cleaning and pruning. Do I enjoy it? No, but is it necessary..yes. If not those weeds will strangle the life out of my plants (life), and they will take over everything.

We all want our yards to look beautiful, but for that to occur we must spend numerous hours working and sweating to make it all come together. Some have the pleasure of paying someone to do it for them, but I like to look at mine and say I did that. But I don't like the hard work it takes at pruning my life. Why? Because it hurts sometimes. We all have those people, places and things we have to cut out of lives sometimes b/c they are a cancer to us. Even when it may be family. That is the hardest to do, b/c we want so much for our family to love us, and to love them. Change is difficult...in the past I have absolutely loathed change, but I see it now as a necessity of my life. Without it I will stay the same...and that is not acceptable to me anymore.

As I watched my youngest one sleep next to me last night...I felt my heart swell with love for her. She is a wonderful child, with a heart for God...who could truly ask for more? I realize for her to grow into the young woman she needs to be to be healthy..pruning of my life is essential. She has watched (as all my kids have) me fall flat on my face..more than once, but she has also seen me pick myself back up, dust off and move on. Our kids have to see our weaknesses and faults or they will grow up believing they have an expectation of perfection to live up to. I did it with my grandmother, and it only caused me grief as I got older.

It is hard, but I have to take an inventory of my life and see where I am lacking and make a conscience effort to try and make it right. Forgive those that need forgiven (even if they don't know it), ask for forgiveness (even when my pride will fight me to the death on it!), and let go of issues that I truly cannot change. God is my driver...or at least He is trying to be! I keep telling Him to move over and let me do it b/c i can do it better..NOT really, but our minds and satan can make us think we can. We can fix it all..but we can't. The more we fight it the worse our lives spiral out of control.

So, I will keep working on the pruning. My hands may get raw, my heart and head feel like they may explode or implode, and the tears may flow, but this is my life...I have an obligation to my family to keep moving forward, and that my friend is what I plan on doing.

Luke 8:11
11"This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. 12Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. 13Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. 14The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. 15But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

Everything happens for a reason...

2007-04-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

How many times have you heard that said to you in your life? I have heard it more times than I would care to count, but looking back over the years I know that it stands the test of time in truth.

The only problem is telling your heart and head to coordinate when you are going through those times of just wanting to either disappear or turn into a recluse! Sometimes I think I personally focus on the issues that are going on in my life, b/c they tend to be numerous and frequent! They never seem to be minimal items, they tend to be life changing, life altering things occuring...if you know me you know what I mean. I used to think that I had been such a horrible person that I deserved all the grief and pain I have had to endure, but as I have gotten older I realize that is not the truth. Some of the issues I bring on to myself...self-sabotage. A lovely sympton of my childhood. I will probably work for the rest of my days trying to overcome or at least minimize this issue.

Everyone's pain is crucial to them. I had and still can be a self-absorbed, pompous you know what on a bad day! I have come to an understanding with myself that I can't control life or those around me..I can only control me, and not a very good job at that all the time either! When I stop sitting in my pity pot of woes is me, I can tend to see that I have much to be thankful and happy for, but it doesn't change the fact that I fight that comfortability I find in that pot of pity.

All things happen for a reason...
I don't understand...I don't know why, but they do somehow work there way out, and I always look back and go "aha, i see it now". Not always, but most of the time.. Our Father has created us to glorify Him. I tend to lose sight of that when I try to figure out how, what and why...I will probably never have the answers to the deep, penetrating questions of my soul and past... Will I choose to hang on to that? Or will I let go and let God do His job??

"Five great enemies to peace inhabit us: avarice, ambition, envy, anger, and pride. If those enemies were to be banished, we should infallibly enjoy perpetual peace."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the blink of an eye....

2007-04-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

Today I was reminded that all the things we put as the utmost of importance can change in the blink of an eye. We are bombarded on the news and internet with the many people that lose their lives everyday...useless and senseless deaths. I can't even imagine the thought of losing one of my children. It makes it hard for me to even breath when I contemplate it...

My oldest is working on a paper for school on professions and wanting to step into the world of specializing in her disease, and I was reminded of past experiences where I thought I may never see her grow into the young woman she is. Those memories make my heart ache, but it also reminds of how grateful I am that God spared her to let me enjoy and invest in her life.

Also watching my father in law...my heart overflows with emotion, and realization of unsaid thoughts and feelings we always think we have time to express...There may not always be tomorrow... That is a very sobering thought.

I am not perfect, I make mistakes everyday, and I am a work in progress. I have much to learn, and I know that God prepares me daily for what His ultimate plan is for my life. I just hope that I realize every breath is a gift, every smile is a bonus, and that our lives are not made successful by what we do, but where our heart and relationship is with our God.

In the blink of an eye your life could change forever....

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose- Romans 8:28

In healing of memories, I must make a choice. Will I let past hurts control me and keep me acting in self-centered ways, or will I let the peace and love of the Holy Spirit control my future? - (Dennis & Matthew Linn)
**What a deep question to ponder....

Broken cycles

2007-04-17T18:57:00.000-07:00

I just recently picked up certain classics such as selected writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Walt Whitman. I absolutely love the core of their writings. There is much meaning of their writings with which I think they so eloquently write. In saying that I also have been trying to in the past 7 years trying to write my life story. It is a good thing (looking back) that I have not completed it, b/c each time I have went back to edit it...it changes. I change. I gain more understanding and perspective of where things were, are and the people that have influenced my life. I began at 26 very angry, as time has went on so has the healing. I have been placed in situations that I know had I not went through what I went through 24 years ago I could not have been the advocate I am now for children without a voice.
I came across a paragraph that really hit me hard with so much truth:

"Our pain and sorrow begin at the very beginning, when we begin within our family. Family contains its own paradox, serving on the one hand as shield and protection against newborn vulnerability and, on the other hand, as the setting within which we suffer our first wounds. As infants we are dependent upon our parents to defend and shelter us, yet it is inevitabilty also our parents who first wound us" (Richard Morgan)

When a child lacks that protection the seeds of insecurity, abandonment, and worthlessness begin to happen. Those issues follow you and intensify as you grow. Do I know this from experience? Yes, in more ways than one. You spend the rest of your life searching for something to fill that very large, very deep hole. Substance abuse, betrayal in all forms, and sometimes eventually b/c you really don't see an end...suicide...the list goes on of the destruction that you begin to inflict on yourself b/c you are used to life being chaos and pain.

Many people would say, well that is just an excuse. Well I have learned a thing or two about judging people...you really have no clue to how another feels when going through the traumas of their life. We all process and deal with things differently. And God has also shown me through many of my past "casting" of judgments, in some way shape or form, I have had to experience similiar situations in my own life. I am in a situation now where I feel God has placed me in lives of 4 very vulnerable children (not my own 3)who have NO voice.

I watch each time I see them a little more of their spirits chipped away...Why does it have to be this way? And why at the hands of the ones who God ordained to protect them? If I do nothing will someone else? Studies say no. People are comfortable sitting from afar saying "such a tragedy" "someone really should take those kids", but I don't see a line at the door doing whatever it takes to make it happen. I have had moments like that. I am human. It takes one person to make a difference. I am not sure that person is me, but I will do everything in my power as i live and breathe to protect them. We do so much for other countries, and we feel horribly when we see it on TV, magazines etc...we have kids HERE that are dying everyday at the hands of a loved one! That is despicable.

We all have more than we need. I don't care if you make $30,000 or $100,000 we do. We have had one of the worst years financially that I think we have had to endure, and I can look back and say I could have spared some if not many things for the sake of others. We all have great intentions (as do I), but the road to hell is paved with all the good intentions that we think about and than move on without a backwards glance at what is right. Right is hard, and anyone that says differently...well please send them my way for guidance! We have this thing pounded into us that bigger houses, cars, vacations, material things for our kids is the way....I beg to differ. 2 words for our society now- Instant gratification. Giving your child all those things will possibly hinder how and who they become as an adult. Will they feel grateful b/c they struggled and did without if you give them all their wants and desires? Probably not.

I am rambling i know. I am very compassionate about both of these things. (if you couldn't tell!)It has taken me 24 years to look at my past and say I am grateful. I am grateful for the pain, the loss, the lessons, and the growth that it has been able to give me for without it I could not teach my children. When my oldest comes to me and says with her whole heart how do I make a difference for people that don't have anything? Or watching her heart understand what it is like to truly be without love, shelter, and guidance...those are things money can't buy, and my just telling her won't teach her.

All that being said...we have the power within us to break cycles. For once I can say many cycles in my 33 years have been smashed. For that I am eternally grateful to my Lord and Savior.

Grace like rain....

2007-04-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

One definition of grace is-the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them. My definition goes with that, but grace to me is-my life. Grace so undeserved, but freely given.. I am in awe of things when I finally stop complaining and look around. I have been given so much, but thank God so little. No matter what i do or where I go He doesn't change...i do. Life is so full of complex issues, problems, sadness and strife that sometimes I think it is easier to focus on the negative, and ask the question if there is a God where is He? Well, for me, I have to rephrase that question even when i don't want to and ask "where am I?". He is my rock and my fortress, and I will not be shaken...I need to remember that....

Falls like rain...even when we ask for it to stop..