Do you ever feel like you are trying to run in quick sand? And for every hurdle you barely skim over, another just seems to pop up with no end in sight? Ugghh. That is what I am feeling right now. I know I have said this in numerous posts, but doing what is right seems to be a hard thing to do. Sometimes it is not even for yourself that you are trying to do the right thing for…
My past, my purpose never seemed to be important. (to anyone else anyway) I have prayed for years for God to reveal why I had to endure those things, and you know what they say about being careful what you wish for! I am only being sarcastic (yes I know I wear that well!) I am thankful, grateful, and awe inspired most of the time as I see His plan unfold, but on the other hand it causes fear and anxiety. I over think everything. I don’t want to fail.
Right now my life is like a 3 ring circus. Half the time you don’t know if you are coming or going! Trying to balance it all work, school, housework, kids, their homework, my homework, and still trying to make your marriage thrive…ahhhhh Many days I just want to hide.
But than there are moments when I take the time to look at the grateful moments that I know it is all so worth it…Kade so excited about being dead last in cross country today, and pulling in at 4th in the end, Ky’s eyes just sparkling b/c her dad is going to her school, Chelsey cracking me up trying to repeat broken Spanish, and than little Tre…when I went to pick him up today from daycare..ahh his little legs wouldn’t move fast enough to get him to me. He wanted me to get him as quickly as possible, and he was smiling the whole time. Isn’t that what we long for too? Someone to run into knowing there loving arms wrapped around us makes us feel safe?
There are so many that don’t have that. Some people out there really have no one. I have so much, yet I complain so much. I read an email this morning that made my heart ache. There are lots of people out there that you pass everyday and you have no idea their story, and most of us don’t even bother to ask b/c we have “enough” to deal with. I have learned in the last week that it is important to take care of my family, but it is also my job to reach out to others. Someone did it for me, and I believe God has called me to do the same.
I encourage you and I tomorrow, reach out to someone. Even if it is a stranger, and just ask them how they are doing today…it makes another feel like their life is important enough to acknowledge their existence.
Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Christ did. 1 John 2:6
Monday, August 27, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Another week...
Ephesians 3:18-19 (New Living Translation)
18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Awesome verse!
Another week gone by…have you realized the older you get the quicker that time seems to go? It flys. You’re your in moments of stress and chaos it seems to drag interminably.
The baby started daycare today. We have all been excited to see this new venture for him. It is a great opportunity at a place that has so much structure, kids his age for social, and best of all the principles of Gods love taught to him. I believe you are never too young to begin that. We all have heard the faith of a child, and it is so real. It is our world and society that chase that faith away…
Anyhow this last week was hard. I found myself sinking into a depression. I share this b/c even though my faith is where it is, and my trust in God is where it is, does not mean that I am immune to this world and the trials that I (we) all face.
My week was a mess. My nephew could not start in his daycare until today, my kids started school (which meant no one to take care of them or him), and my car decided to check out on me on Thursday. Argh. It was too much. Once again as I reflect on why I fell apart I see that it was b/c I lost all control over what was happening. I was frustrated and overwhelmed b/c it was utter chaos, and I felt like I had no say in it at all.
On Saturday Andrew cleaned out our other attic. There in the mess of “stuff” I have had for years…HS memorabilia, kids baby clothes, and things from my parents. It was rough. I came across a tape that was given to me roughly 18-19years ago that was a tapped conversation of my father before everything happened that fateful day.
Why is it when we know it will bring up yuckey stuff we still grab it? As you can guess, yes I listened to it. As I sat there I had to listen to me at nine years old beg to just be heard. To be loved. The pain of hearing "ghosts" voices was torture, but it is all i have of them...may sound demented but I can't remember their voices anymore. They seem like something i read about long ago... It broke my heart, but made my resolve for what I have been doing with my extended family all that much stronger. I had no voice. God has given me one now, and now I have His guidance to help me through and be there for other children just like I was.
All that we go through in our lives can either be regretted or it can be a stepping stone into who we want to be and reminders of what can happen if we revert back to where we have been.
I know we all have said once in our lives God puts people in our lives for a reason. Do you ever dissect that, chew on it, and think about it fully?
I see all of it now. Not perfectly, not without questions, but like a puzzle..it fits. Not perfectly, not without curves and turns but it does.
We have to stay open to all God has for us…He is so big that I cannot even wrap my mind around it, but I know He is there. I explained to Chelsey tonight, we have to be careful about putting people in a box. Christians are not perfect, but it is not our job to judge them. Some will claim they are, are they? Not my job to point out if they are or not. Am I walking the walk so perfectly that I find it my job to point out their faults? I think not! We are to do our best to uplift everyone to the best of our ability.
I realized in many of the situations that I am in right now, I need to pray deeply, fully and completely. Am I looking for an answer or do I think I already have it? God is who He says He is…am I?
Galatians 6:2-3 (New Living Translation)
2 Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. 3 If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.
Thought provoking verse.
18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Awesome verse!
Another week gone by…have you realized the older you get the quicker that time seems to go? It flys. You’re your in moments of stress and chaos it seems to drag interminably.
The baby started daycare today. We have all been excited to see this new venture for him. It is a great opportunity at a place that has so much structure, kids his age for social, and best of all the principles of Gods love taught to him. I believe you are never too young to begin that. We all have heard the faith of a child, and it is so real. It is our world and society that chase that faith away…
Anyhow this last week was hard. I found myself sinking into a depression. I share this b/c even though my faith is where it is, and my trust in God is where it is, does not mean that I am immune to this world and the trials that I (we) all face.
My week was a mess. My nephew could not start in his daycare until today, my kids started school (which meant no one to take care of them or him), and my car decided to check out on me on Thursday. Argh. It was too much. Once again as I reflect on why I fell apart I see that it was b/c I lost all control over what was happening. I was frustrated and overwhelmed b/c it was utter chaos, and I felt like I had no say in it at all.
On Saturday Andrew cleaned out our other attic. There in the mess of “stuff” I have had for years…HS memorabilia, kids baby clothes, and things from my parents. It was rough. I came across a tape that was given to me roughly 18-19years ago that was a tapped conversation of my father before everything happened that fateful day.
Why is it when we know it will bring up yuckey stuff we still grab it? As you can guess, yes I listened to it. As I sat there I had to listen to me at nine years old beg to just be heard. To be loved. The pain of hearing "ghosts" voices was torture, but it is all i have of them...may sound demented but I can't remember their voices anymore. They seem like something i read about long ago... It broke my heart, but made my resolve for what I have been doing with my extended family all that much stronger. I had no voice. God has given me one now, and now I have His guidance to help me through and be there for other children just like I was.
All that we go through in our lives can either be regretted or it can be a stepping stone into who we want to be and reminders of what can happen if we revert back to where we have been.
I know we all have said once in our lives God puts people in our lives for a reason. Do you ever dissect that, chew on it, and think about it fully?
I see all of it now. Not perfectly, not without questions, but like a puzzle..it fits. Not perfectly, not without curves and turns but it does.
We have to stay open to all God has for us…He is so big that I cannot even wrap my mind around it, but I know He is there. I explained to Chelsey tonight, we have to be careful about putting people in a box. Christians are not perfect, but it is not our job to judge them. Some will claim they are, are they? Not my job to point out if they are or not. Am I walking the walk so perfectly that I find it my job to point out their faults? I think not! We are to do our best to uplift everyone to the best of our ability.
I realized in many of the situations that I am in right now, I need to pray deeply, fully and completely. Am I looking for an answer or do I think I already have it? God is who He says He is…am I?
Galatians 6:2-3 (New Living Translation)
2 Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. 3 If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.
Thought provoking verse.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Reflection yet again...
Ephesians 4:1-2
Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. 2 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.
I came across this verse last night as I was doing my nightly reading and it hit me as it usually does when I need to be reminded of things I continue to need to work on. Always be humble and gentle…geez am I? Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other’s faults because of your love…do I?
No, and no. Not always. I try, but fall short many times. This weekend I did a lot of reflecting again (I know, blah blah), but I did. I realized yet again how unbelievably blessed I am. I realize where my life has been, where it is now, and where it could be if I don’t keep my priorities straight, and my life accountable to my Father.
I realized I have been forgiven for my shortcomings more so than not. Not only by God, but by the people around me that I know that I have hurt. Why than am I so stingy on my forgiveness? Why am I not doing what God called me to do by loving my enemies and praying for them instead of cursing them?
Simple answer, I am human. As I was talking to Chelsey and Andy last night I realized that a lesson that needs to be taught now to my children is one of forgiveness when we have been wronged or when others fall short of their duties as a parent or the loved ones around us. I realized that resentments and unforgiveness that I held on to for year’s b/c I felt like I was punishing that person only did immense harm to ME. It led me on a path of self destruction, and hurt others that shouldn’t have been hurt by it, but were.
I also realized that I have put myself out there with this blog. I have exposed A LOT of who I am and what I struggle with, and that can be a good thing or a bad thing. I put a lot of thought into it, and I know that when I know someone else is going through or have gone through similar struggles I feel better knowing I am not alone in this. So even if no one or someone is lifted up or feels that they are not alone from my raw exposure than I am okay with that. This is who I am. I am okay with that now. I hid who I was for years, and I am done with that. What I am, and who I am now is God’s masterpiece (still struggling with that!! :) ) and that I am good with!
Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. 2 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.
I came across this verse last night as I was doing my nightly reading and it hit me as it usually does when I need to be reminded of things I continue to need to work on. Always be humble and gentle…geez am I? Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other’s faults because of your love…do I?
No, and no. Not always. I try, but fall short many times. This weekend I did a lot of reflecting again (I know, blah blah), but I did. I realized yet again how unbelievably blessed I am. I realize where my life has been, where it is now, and where it could be if I don’t keep my priorities straight, and my life accountable to my Father.
I realized I have been forgiven for my shortcomings more so than not. Not only by God, but by the people around me that I know that I have hurt. Why than am I so stingy on my forgiveness? Why am I not doing what God called me to do by loving my enemies and praying for them instead of cursing them?
Simple answer, I am human. As I was talking to Chelsey and Andy last night I realized that a lesson that needs to be taught now to my children is one of forgiveness when we have been wronged or when others fall short of their duties as a parent or the loved ones around us. I realized that resentments and unforgiveness that I held on to for year’s b/c I felt like I was punishing that person only did immense harm to ME. It led me on a path of self destruction, and hurt others that shouldn’t have been hurt by it, but were.
I also realized that I have put myself out there with this blog. I have exposed A LOT of who I am and what I struggle with, and that can be a good thing or a bad thing. I put a lot of thought into it, and I know that when I know someone else is going through or have gone through similar struggles I feel better knowing I am not alone in this. So even if no one or someone is lifted up or feels that they are not alone from my raw exposure than I am okay with that. This is who I am. I am okay with that now. I hid who I was for years, and I am done with that. What I am, and who I am now is God’s masterpiece (still struggling with that!! :) ) and that I am good with!
Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Comfort
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 5 For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.
Comfort...hmm that feeling has been evading me mercilessly. As I sat here tonight quietly, I started to reflect on where my focus has been once again…ME. Man, it is very hard to realize how much we tend to turn everything into a personal crisis or all about me. I do it so much, and than I just want to kick my own tail!
I came across this verse in a book I tend to read nightly or try to nowadays. I realized today in the middle of adversity, and struggle over wanting to control a situation and outcome, the light went on. I don’t and will not have control over this. I can try, but I will drive myself and everyone else around me crazy trying!
I had a peace, even if it was brief, I had it. I lost sight of what the goal of the last year has been. I became so muddled in the mess of what happened to me that I forgot that this isn’t about me. But what did happen all those years ago is to be used to help others not crawl back into my pity pot and wallow there.
There are still so many things that I really wish I could instantly change about myself, but unfortunately it isn’t that easy. It takes mucho hard work, and discipline. All the stuff we tend to run from! I guess if I were perfect than I wouldn’t realize how much I do need God to lean on. In times such as these I can only control me. I can’t force people to be, act or say anything I need or want them to say. Tough pill to swallow on some days…especially when it is family or those close to you. As I always say (just ask my kids) it is what it is…moving on.
We can’t always choose the situations that life brings us, but we can choose the attitude we will use to face them. Powerful sentence.
3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 5 For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.
Comfort...hmm that feeling has been evading me mercilessly. As I sat here tonight quietly, I started to reflect on where my focus has been once again…ME. Man, it is very hard to realize how much we tend to turn everything into a personal crisis or all about me. I do it so much, and than I just want to kick my own tail!
I came across this verse in a book I tend to read nightly or try to nowadays. I realized today in the middle of adversity, and struggle over wanting to control a situation and outcome, the light went on. I don’t and will not have control over this. I can try, but I will drive myself and everyone else around me crazy trying!
I had a peace, even if it was brief, I had it. I lost sight of what the goal of the last year has been. I became so muddled in the mess of what happened to me that I forgot that this isn’t about me. But what did happen all those years ago is to be used to help others not crawl back into my pity pot and wallow there.
There are still so many things that I really wish I could instantly change about myself, but unfortunately it isn’t that easy. It takes mucho hard work, and discipline. All the stuff we tend to run from! I guess if I were perfect than I wouldn’t realize how much I do need God to lean on. In times such as these I can only control me. I can’t force people to be, act or say anything I need or want them to say. Tough pill to swallow on some days…especially when it is family or those close to you. As I always say (just ask my kids) it is what it is…moving on.
We can’t always choose the situations that life brings us, but we can choose the attitude we will use to face them. Powerful sentence.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Struggling
There are moments when my strength seems to leave me. There are times when I feel as if I am drowning, and there is no one throwing in the life preserver. As I drove home from class tonight, actually as I sat through both of my classes I had an overwhelming sense of despair. It is the first time I have felt it since all of this has happened with my nephew.
I knew I was beginning to be crazy woman, but I thought it was because although I am on vacation and I have to have a scheduled itinerary now to get all things accomplished with a toddler in tow. Two weeks ago I could do nothing but think about spending the week unpacking, lounging, and just hanging out with my kids. Now I have to figure out how to be able to work, go to class, and now find child care when my children have been out of that for a couple of years.
I chose this, and I don’t for one second regret my decision, but I also know that others either don’t support it or look at my stress and say “well it was your choice” That is all well and good, but I know I am allowed to feel crazy, and frustrated. I will say it again, life is messy or at least mine is and I accept that. I don’t back down to a challenge especially when children are involved. If that makes me insane, than I guess I am.
I am not trying to be a martyr; I am trying to do what is right. I guess in some ways I am trying to right a wrong done 24 years ago by people who weren’t willing to roll up their sleeves, and deal with a few bumps in the road and change a life. Most would say i could not change a thing, you are DEAD wrong you can. Please if you even bother reading my blogs pray for children everywhere that don’t have anyone to hold them, feed them and let them know it will all be okay. And if you see it, and you know with all your gut what it is…DO something about it. DON’T ignore it. You can make a difference. Look your children in the eyes, and know that innocence. They didn’t choose their parents…
I am trusting that God will walk me though this. He always has. My life is in His hands.
James 1:5-6
If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.
I knew I was beginning to be crazy woman, but I thought it was because although I am on vacation and I have to have a scheduled itinerary now to get all things accomplished with a toddler in tow. Two weeks ago I could do nothing but think about spending the week unpacking, lounging, and just hanging out with my kids. Now I have to figure out how to be able to work, go to class, and now find child care when my children have been out of that for a couple of years.
I chose this, and I don’t for one second regret my decision, but I also know that others either don’t support it or look at my stress and say “well it was your choice” That is all well and good, but I know I am allowed to feel crazy, and frustrated. I will say it again, life is messy or at least mine is and I accept that. I don’t back down to a challenge especially when children are involved. If that makes me insane, than I guess I am.
I am not trying to be a martyr; I am trying to do what is right. I guess in some ways I am trying to right a wrong done 24 years ago by people who weren’t willing to roll up their sleeves, and deal with a few bumps in the road and change a life. Most would say i could not change a thing, you are DEAD wrong you can. Please if you even bother reading my blogs pray for children everywhere that don’t have anyone to hold them, feed them and let them know it will all be okay. And if you see it, and you know with all your gut what it is…DO something about it. DON’T ignore it. You can make a difference. Look your children in the eyes, and know that innocence. They didn’t choose their parents…
I am trusting that God will walk me though this. He always has. My life is in His hands.
James 1:5-6
If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Trust..yet again.
Trust involves letting go and knowing God will catch you. - James Dobson
Proverbs 16:20 (NLT)
Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be joyful.
Isaiah 12:2 (NLT)
See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.”
Proverbs 29:25 (NLT)
Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.
As you can see from above I am once again dealing with letting go and trusting that God’s will be done. I know that I have (reluctantly) surrendered to the fact that I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my years, but I look at progress of the awareness is a plus!
I am trying desperately to make my path straight, and to follow where He leads, but people, places and things will and do become stumbling blocks for me. Fostering my nephew right now…I know it is what God has called me to do for this moment, but what will tomorrow bring? That is where the fear and anxiety tend to overrun me. I feel like I have so many balls in the air right now, and they all involve others lives. If I happen to drop one what will happen?
I have trusted God this far to do as He sees fit with the situation, and it has never happened in my timing. I have to trust whatever happens is what He intends to, but I will continue to follow my gut and my heart. I will pray till my knees hurt b/c not only does my nephew need me, my children need to see what trusting in the Lord “looks” like. The Lord commands me to teach up my children in His ways...
He who trusts in himself is lost. He who trusts in God can do all things. -Saint Alphonsus Liguori
Proverbs 16:20 (NLT)
Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be joyful.
Isaiah 12:2 (NLT)
See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.”
Proverbs 29:25 (NLT)
Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.
As you can see from above I am once again dealing with letting go and trusting that God’s will be done. I know that I have (reluctantly) surrendered to the fact that I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my years, but I look at progress of the awareness is a plus!
I am trying desperately to make my path straight, and to follow where He leads, but people, places and things will and do become stumbling blocks for me. Fostering my nephew right now…I know it is what God has called me to do for this moment, but what will tomorrow bring? That is where the fear and anxiety tend to overrun me. I feel like I have so many balls in the air right now, and they all involve others lives. If I happen to drop one what will happen?
I have trusted God this far to do as He sees fit with the situation, and it has never happened in my timing. I have to trust whatever happens is what He intends to, but I will continue to follow my gut and my heart. I will pray till my knees hurt b/c not only does my nephew need me, my children need to see what trusting in the Lord “looks” like. The Lord commands me to teach up my children in His ways...
He who trusts in himself is lost. He who trusts in God can do all things. -Saint Alphonsus Liguori
Thursday, August 2, 2007
A Meal for thought.
As sure as ever God puts his children in the furnace, he will be in the furnace with them. ... C. H. Spurgeon (1834-1892)"Child neglect, which is 63% of all substantiated cases of child abuse, is the most common form of child maltreatment reported to child protective services. It is defined as a "type of maltreatment that refers to the failure to provide needed age-appropriate care," such as shelter, food, clothing, education, supervision, medical care and other basic necessities needed for development of physical, intellectual and emotional capacities. Unlike physical and sexual abuse, neglect is usually typified by an ongoing pattern of inadequate care and is readily observed by individuals in close contact with the child. Physicians, nurses, day care personnel, relatives and neighbors are frequently the ones to suspect and report neglected infants, toddlers and preschool children."
God Knows Best by John McLeod, from "Peace...be ever yours"
I wonder, friend, how often you have wept a bitter tear And asked: "Why is this happening to me?" "What step was taken wrongly to deserve this dreary fate, What action brought about this tragedy?" Only to find in time a vital reason for it all, And Faith you thought so steady put to test, To look back with such wonder at the workings of his hands; 'Dear Lord, Thy will be done, and God knows best.'
It happens to us all, we are so mortal and so weak All too human in our strange an earthly ways, Falling often by the wayside on our journey through this life Seeking light and fighting ignorance's haze. Truly friends, the help is there, for as ye seek so ye shall find And at journey's end how well you shall be blessed If you truthfully can say without a doubt within your heart Dear Lord, Thy will be done, and God knows best!
So I ask, where do I go from here? The answer is very plain to me. Look into those eyes and tell me you could turn your back. Ignorance is not an excuse.
-A
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