Broken cycles

I just recently picked up certain classics such as selected writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Walt Whitman. I absolutely love the core of their writings. There is much meaning of their writings with which I think they so eloquently write. In saying that I also have been trying to in the past 7 years trying to write my life story. It is a good thing (looking back) that I have not completed it, b/c each time I have went back to edit it...it changes. I change. I gain more understanding and perspective of where things were, are and the people that have influenced my life. I began at 26 very angry, as time has went on so has the healing. I have been placed in situations that I know had I not went through what I went through 24 years ago I could not have been the advocate I am now for children without a voice.
I came across a paragraph that really hit me hard with so much truth:

"Our pain and sorrow begin at the very beginning, when we begin within our family. Family contains its own paradox, serving on the one hand as shield and protection against newborn vulnerability and, on the other hand, as the setting within which we suffer our first wounds. As infants we are dependent upon our parents to defend and shelter us, yet it is inevitabilty also our parents who first wound us" (Richard Morgan)

When a child lacks that protection the seeds of insecurity, abandonment, and worthlessness begin to happen. Those issues follow you and intensify as you grow. Do I know this from experience? Yes, in more ways than one. You spend the rest of your life searching for something to fill that very large, very deep hole. Substance abuse, betrayal in all forms, and sometimes eventually b/c you really don't see an end...suicide...the list goes on of the destruction that you begin to inflict on yourself b/c you are used to life being chaos and pain.

Many people would say, well that is just an excuse. Well I have learned a thing or two about judging people...you really have no clue to how another feels when going through the traumas of their life. We all process and deal with things differently. And God has also shown me through many of my past "casting" of judgments, in some way shape or form, I have had to experience similiar situations in my own life. I am in a situation now where I feel God has placed me in lives of 4 very vulnerable children (not my own 3)who have NO voice.

I watch each time I see them a little more of their spirits chipped away...Why does it have to be this way? And why at the hands of the ones who God ordained to protect them? If I do nothing will someone else? Studies say no. People are comfortable sitting from afar saying "such a tragedy" "someone really should take those kids", but I don't see a line at the door doing whatever it takes to make it happen. I have had moments like that. I am human. It takes one person to make a difference. I am not sure that person is me, but I will do everything in my power as i live and breathe to protect them. We do so much for other countries, and we feel horribly when we see it on TV, magazines etc...we have kids HERE that are dying everyday at the hands of a loved one! That is despicable.

We all have more than we need. I don't care if you make $30,000 or $100,000 we do. We have had one of the worst years financially that I think we have had to endure, and I can look back and say I could have spared some if not many things for the sake of others. We all have great intentions (as do I), but the road to hell is paved with all the good intentions that we think about and than move on without a backwards glance at what is right. Right is hard, and anyone that says differently...well please send them my way for guidance! We have this thing pounded into us that bigger houses, cars, vacations, material things for our kids is the way....I beg to differ. 2 words for our society now- Instant gratification. Giving your child all those things will possibly hinder how and who they become as an adult. Will they feel grateful b/c they struggled and did without if you give them all their wants and desires? Probably not.

I am rambling i know. I am very compassionate about both of these things. (if you couldn't tell!)It has taken me 24 years to look at my past and say I am grateful. I am grateful for the pain, the loss, the lessons, and the growth that it has been able to give me for without it I could not teach my children. When my oldest comes to me and says with her whole heart how do I make a difference for people that don't have anything? Or watching her heart understand what it is like to truly be without love, shelter, and guidance...those are things money can't buy, and my just telling her won't teach her.

All that being said...we have the power within us to break cycles. For once I can say many cycles in my 33 years have been smashed. For that I am eternally grateful to my Lord and Savior.