Chaos seems to be the word for our lives right now. Actually if you looked up the definition of it in the dictionary you would probably see our family at the present moment!
It has been a long day. I had to take Chelsey to Cincinnati today for her liver annual appointment. We had to be on the road at 5:30am. She started testing as soon as we got there, and am so amazed at how old she has gotten and the trials we have had to endure all these years. Her liver enzymes were up…I have to say panic is my first instinct, but I am trying to not do that. Her renal (kidney) test results don’t come back until tomorrow, so I feel like I am sitting on pins and needles! Please pray for her.
I am still trying to acclimate to having five children. I feel like I cook and clean now more than I ever have! It is amazing to me how quickly you go through everything with only two more little bodies.
I have also realized how in the last week or so I feel like I am pushing against a cement wall, and let me tell you it isn’t moving! I feel like in many areas right now that I am trying to do what is right, and everyone is fighting me on it. Frustrating.
I do have many things to still be grateful for…I realized and was reminded of what an investment and obligation I have to teach all my children (including my niece and nephew). After church on Sunday I went to get my niece from her Sunday school class and before I could even ask she said guess what Aunt April? I learned about Jesus today…at that moment I knew no matter what happens the fire had been lit. Even if it is only a spark.
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
In need of strength
My heart and mind are heavy tonight. I am not sure even why I am blogging except to get all of this out. This is the 2nd night in a row that my niece has been up most of the night with nightmares, and she just screams, tears her hair out, and scratches her self till she bleeds. It is such a helpless feeling to watch her. She is not even awake, but is just screaming in absolute terror.
My children are running on broken sleep, they don’t understand, and it is just very overwhelming to them and us. We want to help her, but not sure how. I called her therapist today, and she never called me back. Needless to say she will be getting a stern phone call from me tomorrow, b/c I am afraid this five year old is going to hurt herself or someone else with the rage of emotion that has bubbled to the surface.
Every time I go up there I just lay my hands on her and pray that God will give her peace and rest. This is so unfair. I know life isn’t fair, but children should never feel this way.
Please pray for strength and wisdom for all of us (especially my children) that we help her to get through this the best we can. Please pray for peace and rest for her…
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
My children are running on broken sleep, they don’t understand, and it is just very overwhelming to them and us. We want to help her, but not sure how. I called her therapist today, and she never called me back. Needless to say she will be getting a stern phone call from me tomorrow, b/c I am afraid this five year old is going to hurt herself or someone else with the rage of emotion that has bubbled to the surface.
Every time I go up there I just lay my hands on her and pray that God will give her peace and rest. This is so unfair. I know life isn’t fair, but children should never feel this way.
Please pray for strength and wisdom for all of us (especially my children) that we help her to get through this the best we can. Please pray for peace and rest for her…
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
Sunday, October 21, 2007
In need of faith that can move mountains
Thank you to all that have expressed encouraging words and prayers…they are appreciated more than you know.
We just finished our 2nd of 3 foster classes yesterday, and it depresses me each time we go. There are so many children in the system, and not enough loving foster homes to put them in. It amazes me the trauma that these children live daily…I remember it all to well… The pictures that they showed…I couldn’t watch. I cried, and just wanted to vomit. It brought flashbacks of my childhood up that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle. Parent’s that had held lit cigarettes to a child’s foot, scalding them with hot water, bruises striped across their backs, babies practically starved to death…absolutely unbelievable. Our system needs to protect these kids instead of sending them home!
It is so easy to lose faith, and lose sight of what God is capable of when you hear and see all the sadness and pain that happens on a daily basis, but that is this life now. Our society, with lack of good role models, not only the parents, but the absence of parents and grandparents for these children to lean on is unreal.
My grandmother was such an important person in my life, and taught me so much that I can’t imagine not having that, but so many children don’t have even that one person to step up and stand up for them. Sad really…what has gone wrong?
Chelsey taught my niece how to tie her shoes yesterday…she was so excited to share that with me and Uncle Andy! It about made me cry, b/c kids just need our love and encouragement to help them grow and learn.
Please continue to pray for us. My sister goes back to court tomorrow, and we are in a marathon not a sprint. There are, and going to be so many ups and downs until this is resolved one way or another…that scares me. But I have to trust God right now.
Mark 11:22-24 Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. 23 I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. 24 I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.
We just finished our 2nd of 3 foster classes yesterday, and it depresses me each time we go. There are so many children in the system, and not enough loving foster homes to put them in. It amazes me the trauma that these children live daily…I remember it all to well… The pictures that they showed…I couldn’t watch. I cried, and just wanted to vomit. It brought flashbacks of my childhood up that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle. Parent’s that had held lit cigarettes to a child’s foot, scalding them with hot water, bruises striped across their backs, babies practically starved to death…absolutely unbelievable. Our system needs to protect these kids instead of sending them home!
It is so easy to lose faith, and lose sight of what God is capable of when you hear and see all the sadness and pain that happens on a daily basis, but that is this life now. Our society, with lack of good role models, not only the parents, but the absence of parents and grandparents for these children to lean on is unreal.
My grandmother was such an important person in my life, and taught me so much that I can’t imagine not having that, but so many children don’t have even that one person to step up and stand up for them. Sad really…what has gone wrong?
Chelsey taught my niece how to tie her shoes yesterday…she was so excited to share that with me and Uncle Andy! It about made me cry, b/c kids just need our love and encouragement to help them grow and learn.
Please continue to pray for us. My sister goes back to court tomorrow, and we are in a marathon not a sprint. There are, and going to be so many ups and downs until this is resolved one way or another…that scares me. But I have to trust God right now.
Mark 11:22-24 Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. 23 I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. 24 I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Moving forward...or something like that
Revelation 21:4-5
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!”
Oh, how glorious that day will be…no more pain and tears.
It has been a very long week. Exhausting emotionally and physically. My niece is settling in well. She is very guarded right now, which God only knows who could blame her. I feel very blessed to be the one who is able to invest in these children’s lives. I just hope and pray that what is best comes to fruition, and I will fight the fight until the judge says no more.
I just came from upstairs b/c I heard her screaming in her sleep…she was actually crying in her sleep. This whole situation breaks my heart. When I look at her I see me as a child, and I guess in some ways that is good for her b/c I understand what she is feeling right now.
I will say it again I have wonderful children. They have taken her under their wing, and have been amazing. This has been a lesson for them on being there for those in need, and being willing to sacrifice luxuries we all take for granted to benefit another.
The obsession has not stopped. It is so hard…I ask God everyday to take it away, but I am still white knuckling it. I can’t predict the future and I need to let it go, but knowing 4 lives hang in the balance makes it so very difficult!
Anyone that reads this (if you pray) please pray for guidance, strength, and protection for our family and these children. We are still trying to figure out some financial stuff, and it has been very taxing to say the least.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!”
Oh, how glorious that day will be…no more pain and tears.
It has been a very long week. Exhausting emotionally and physically. My niece is settling in well. She is very guarded right now, which God only knows who could blame her. I feel very blessed to be the one who is able to invest in these children’s lives. I just hope and pray that what is best comes to fruition, and I will fight the fight until the judge says no more.
I just came from upstairs b/c I heard her screaming in her sleep…she was actually crying in her sleep. This whole situation breaks my heart. When I look at her I see me as a child, and I guess in some ways that is good for her b/c I understand what she is feeling right now.
I will say it again I have wonderful children. They have taken her under their wing, and have been amazing. This has been a lesson for them on being there for those in need, and being willing to sacrifice luxuries we all take for granted to benefit another.
The obsession has not stopped. It is so hard…I ask God everyday to take it away, but I am still white knuckling it. I can’t predict the future and I need to let it go, but knowing 4 lives hang in the balance makes it so very difficult!
Anyone that reads this (if you pray) please pray for guidance, strength, and protection for our family and these children. We are still trying to figure out some financial stuff, and it has been very taxing to say the least.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Gratitude & Angels
Attitude of gratitude. I am so grateful today. My daughter Chelsey is celebrating 14 years out of transplant! How grateful I am to God that we are able to celebrate another milestone.
She is such a blessing, and looking back on where we have been with her and where she is now is an awesome testimony of God’s grace.
We also were able to experience another one of those moments of awe in God’s wonderful plan for our life yesterday during foster parenting classes yesterday. We met another couple only briefly, but unbelievable how God put’s angels in your lives when you least expect it.
During the class I asked the question of any grants or programs to help us obtain items we need for the children we are getting, b/c we are in need of bunk beds for my daughter’s room now that we are taking in my niece. Anyhow, at the end of the session this couple we had JUST met handed me a card, and left. Well I was in the middle of a conversation with one of the trainers, and I didn’t look at it until we left.
I thought me and Andrew would faint. They had handed us a check for $400 for bunk beds! I could not believe it. These people didn’t know us from Adam, but they felt compelled to help out complete strangers. It renewed my spirit. I realized there are people out there that really do care even if they are strangers.
I wanted to post a grateful post b/c lately I have tended to only show my frustration. Today I see God’s wondrous hand moving in our lives, and I am so very grateful. He is carrying us even when sometimes I choose to not see it.
"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. "
~ Harriet Beecher Stowe
She is such a blessing, and looking back on where we have been with her and where she is now is an awesome testimony of God’s grace.
We also were able to experience another one of those moments of awe in God’s wonderful plan for our life yesterday during foster parenting classes yesterday. We met another couple only briefly, but unbelievable how God put’s angels in your lives when you least expect it.
During the class I asked the question of any grants or programs to help us obtain items we need for the children we are getting, b/c we are in need of bunk beds for my daughter’s room now that we are taking in my niece. Anyhow, at the end of the session this couple we had JUST met handed me a card, and left. Well I was in the middle of a conversation with one of the trainers, and I didn’t look at it until we left.
I thought me and Andrew would faint. They had handed us a check for $400 for bunk beds! I could not believe it. These people didn’t know us from Adam, but they felt compelled to help out complete strangers. It renewed my spirit. I realized there are people out there that really do care even if they are strangers.
I wanted to post a grateful post b/c lately I have tended to only show my frustration. Today I see God’s wondrous hand moving in our lives, and I am so very grateful. He is carrying us even when sometimes I choose to not see it.
"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. "
~ Harriet Beecher Stowe
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Obsess much?
Getting through the day seems to be my motto lately, and as I type that it frustrates me. I have a tendency to obsess about issues. They take up rent in my mind, and though I try to evict them they won’t go away!
I just feel like there are so many things that are open ended right now, that I may just go insane. I know that I am not trusting it to work out as it always does, but it is just so hard when it is in so many areas in my life right now. I am just trying to do what is right, but I can’t predict the outcome and really have no control on how it plays out.
I was on my way to visitation tonight for my sister to see her kids, and I looked in the mirror…I have aged so much in the last couple of months. Stress has taken its toll on my face and body.
I just want one day where these things are not consuming me. I don’t question what I am doing, but I have to let certain things go for now…ughhhh if it were only that easy.
God give me strength..
"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." Alexander Graham Bell
I just feel like there are so many things that are open ended right now, that I may just go insane. I know that I am not trusting it to work out as it always does, but it is just so hard when it is in so many areas in my life right now. I am just trying to do what is right, but I can’t predict the outcome and really have no control on how it plays out.
I was on my way to visitation tonight for my sister to see her kids, and I looked in the mirror…I have aged so much in the last couple of months. Stress has taken its toll on my face and body.
I just want one day where these things are not consuming me. I don’t question what I am doing, but I have to let certain things go for now…ughhhh if it were only that easy.
God give me strength..
"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." Alexander Graham Bell
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Expectations...
Mark 9:35-37
35 Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." 36He took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them, 37"Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."
One major lesson that I have learned in the last year is never ever think you know where your life my lead you. I have had to learn that the twists and turns happen whether you are looking and waiting for them or not.
It has been a rough last 2 weeks, but one ever changing yet again. I think I have felt every emotion from depression, elation, anger, depression again, and than just calm. I have prayed so hard when it has come to this situation with my sister and the kids, with my lack of a job right now, my kids, my marriage, and just where God wants me right now.
I received a phone call last Friday unexpectedly wanting to know if I would take another one of my sisters kids b/c the foster parents are not working out… well I knew my husband might just collapse or want to cause bodily harm if I asked him! I sat on it for a moment, and stared out the window…
I don’t know why, but things happen for a reason. I don’t have a job right now, but this little girl needs us. I kept thinking our house is becoming jammed, I only have a car…the list goes on. Can I really give one more kid my attention? Than I started thinking what our crazy family can do for her. We may be chaos, and we argue, but we love each other. We talk the talk, now it was time to walk the walk.
My husband has been beyond wonderful. I am so very grateful for him. Than I had to ask each of my children if they had it in their hearts and sanity to do it, and I can’t even begin to express how unbelievable my children are. Their responses showed me just what they have learned this year….i was beyond proud.
So yet again, roller coaster going up! At least I know that she will be reunited with her little brother who is with us as well…
Please keep us in your prayers whoever is listening! It is much appreciated.
35 Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." 36He took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them, 37"Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."
One major lesson that I have learned in the last year is never ever think you know where your life my lead you. I have had to learn that the twists and turns happen whether you are looking and waiting for them or not.
It has been a rough last 2 weeks, but one ever changing yet again. I think I have felt every emotion from depression, elation, anger, depression again, and than just calm. I have prayed so hard when it has come to this situation with my sister and the kids, with my lack of a job right now, my kids, my marriage, and just where God wants me right now.
I received a phone call last Friday unexpectedly wanting to know if I would take another one of my sisters kids b/c the foster parents are not working out… well I knew my husband might just collapse or want to cause bodily harm if I asked him! I sat on it for a moment, and stared out the window…
I don’t know why, but things happen for a reason. I don’t have a job right now, but this little girl needs us. I kept thinking our house is becoming jammed, I only have a car…the list goes on. Can I really give one more kid my attention? Than I started thinking what our crazy family can do for her. We may be chaos, and we argue, but we love each other. We talk the talk, now it was time to walk the walk.
My husband has been beyond wonderful. I am so very grateful for him. Than I had to ask each of my children if they had it in their hearts and sanity to do it, and I can’t even begin to express how unbelievable my children are. Their responses showed me just what they have learned this year….i was beyond proud.
So yet again, roller coaster going up! At least I know that she will be reunited with her little brother who is with us as well…
Please keep us in your prayers whoever is listening! It is much appreciated.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Here today gone tomorrow...
James 4: 13-14
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
That verse puts so much into perspective. All of this gone in a breath, and as I sit here sinking into my depression b/c it (I know I have said too much) just overwhelms me right now.
Every night as I lay my head down and pray for my kids and pray for wisdom I say tomorrow will be better…tomorrow comes and there is a new set of obstacles waiting to trip me up. Maybe it is my cynical view right now. Maybe I am just shutting out all the good b/c of my consuming my mind with the “crap” happening…who knows.
As I talk myself through this maybe I should see them as “opportunities” instead of obstacles. Ohh, but it is so hard to think positive when it is so easy to be negative. It is in my nature to wait for the other shoe to drop so to speak…because it usually always does…usually by the shoe store full.
He has brought me through so many storms, and I truly believe in my heart that He is carrying me now or I would not even be coherent. Telling my head to follow suit is another story.
So many depend on me to keep it together… I can’t fail them, but I can’t get so caught up in the “what ifs” that I miss the here and now.
Moving forward…one step at a time…sometimes one minute at a time…that is all I can do for today. He has promised never to forsake me…I have to trust in that.
I need to slow down…
"True faith involves doing all you can and letting God take care of the rest." God is in the small stuff… and it all matters. Bruce & Stan
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
That verse puts so much into perspective. All of this gone in a breath, and as I sit here sinking into my depression b/c it (I know I have said too much) just overwhelms me right now.
Every night as I lay my head down and pray for my kids and pray for wisdom I say tomorrow will be better…tomorrow comes and there is a new set of obstacles waiting to trip me up. Maybe it is my cynical view right now. Maybe I am just shutting out all the good b/c of my consuming my mind with the “crap” happening…who knows.
As I talk myself through this maybe I should see them as “opportunities” instead of obstacles. Ohh, but it is so hard to think positive when it is so easy to be negative. It is in my nature to wait for the other shoe to drop so to speak…because it usually always does…usually by the shoe store full.
He has brought me through so many storms, and I truly believe in my heart that He is carrying me now or I would not even be coherent. Telling my head to follow suit is another story.
So many depend on me to keep it together… I can’t fail them, but I can’t get so caught up in the “what ifs” that I miss the here and now.
Moving forward…one step at a time…sometimes one minute at a time…that is all I can do for today. He has promised never to forsake me…I have to trust in that.
I need to slow down…
"True faith involves doing all you can and letting God take care of the rest." God is in the small stuff… and it all matters. Bruce & Stan
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