Laughter :)

It has been awhile since I posted...I am surprised b/c I always have alot to say! It has been a little nuts in our household, which I know is nothing new, but a little more so than usual!

Most of my posts are so serious in nature...much like my personality, but I wanted to share laughter and love from this weekend. Me and the fam went out of town to see my father-in-law in the hospital he was just moved to, and it ended up being a family trip as well. We took him on a very long walk outside (it was a beautiful day), and as we walked I soaked alot of things in. I watched my hubby push his father in the wheel chair, and my love for him grew. I know that may sound strange, but seeing how he has been with his family in the last 4 months is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. (i tend to forget, and need reminders!)

It has been a lesson for my kids as well to know what it means to be there for family through the good and the not so good.

Later that evening we met up with one of my dear friends, that has stuck by my side through the good, the bad and the ugly. (i haven't seen her in 3 years)It was so different to not be focused on bills, problems etc.. We went out later with her and my brother in laws, and my hubby...can i just say that my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard. I had forgotten what it does for your mind to step away and enjoy life! Laugh...boy did I! I felt like me and the hubby were able to renew that fun side that has been so forgotten and lost with the issues that we have had to endure for the past year or so.

I know this post doesn't say much except that I can be happy sometimes! I am grateful for those I have around me, and feel blessed that I have been given the opportunity to love them all!

When I first open my eyes upon the morning meadows and look out upon the beautiful world, I thank God I am alive.
Author:
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Who are you?

As I was doing laundry, ironing, and just doing the daily grind...i stopped when the rest of the house finally became quiet and opened the book "The Selected Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson" (i do believe I may be a little obsessed with this guy..!)

Anyway a paragraph that I happened to read jumped out at me..okay no not literally, but it stood out. I will share only a portion of it..he writes "I learn immediately from any speaker how much he has already lived, through the poverty or the splendor of his speech. Life lies behind us as the quarry from whence we get tiles and copestones for the masonry of today." What I think made this stand out was because I began to wonder how much of my daily life (work, kids, extended family, strangers etc) reflects me today or my past from whence I came? Or is it too much of one? Is it balanced?

I started really looking over how I have portrayed myself with my speech, body language etc, and thought if I asked those around me (and they were brutally honest!) what would they say about who I am? I know many say I am a survivor, strong-willed, very bull-headed...but is that it? Who am I to those that are closest to me, and those that stand from afar? I know those are big questions, but, well, that is who I am. I am an analyzer..to a fault. I think in some ways it is beneficial, b/c if we all took the time to reflect on how we affect others, wouldn't that make us strive to be more?

As I posted yesterday my son lost a grandfather Saturday night, and today I saw in him not consumed with sadness, (which at his age I would have been) but compassion and the realization that he wanted anyone he touched to know he loved them... Me and his father divorced when he was very young, but my son has always known that me and his father will do whatever it takes to be there for HIM. Our families have a bond that some see as unheard of, but I see it as a blessing in a hard situation. We genuinely care for each other, our spouses, and the other children involved. For that I am so very grateful.

If I left this world tomorrow what kind of mark or legacy would I leave behind? I struggle everyday to work past pride, anger, selfishness...the list goes on, and somedays I really just want to throw in the towel. Today was one of them. People drive you crazy, noone is doing what you want them to do, bills pile up, nerves are shot...shall I go on? But...at the end of tonight before I lay my head on that pillow I have to thank God for another breath...another 24 hrs to be there for my kids..another chance to do it different tomorrow.

Grief & Life

In some ways I look back over my last couple of posts in the blink of an eye, and everything happens for a reason and I think hmmm do you know something is coming?

Today I had to sit and hold my baby boy (yes he is 12, but he is my baby still), and explain to him that it will be okay. He lost his grandfather on his dad's side unexpectedly last night. The last couple of months have been rough on him b/c of his grandpa Jim, and now this. To look in to those sad baby blues and tell him I love him and it is all going to be okay about broke my heart in two.

It is so hard sometimes to understand the dynamic of why some people seem to be taken from us so early, and why some (mass murderers, rapists) are left here for longer. It also goes back to me saying in an earlier post I can't try to figure out God's reasoning of this...it is wayy bigger than my mind can wrap around, but it still hurts us none the less.

As I sat with him tonight and prayed with him...all I could do was tell him that his grandpa is in no pain. He is up there with God watching over him, and is awaiting the day when we will meet again. This isn't goodbye for good, just a temporary vacation of sorts.... I don't know if that helped him process this...he is hurting. All I can do is turn him over to my Lord, and keep reassuring him we are all here for him.

This reinterated to me that as his grandfather and his wife went to bed last night they had no idea that would be the last time they would together....In the blink of an eye your life can change forever...Hold on to the ones you love, and let them know you do. Don't let yourself go to bed with anger or unforgiveness on your heart...

It's spring..time to prune.

When I think of spring I get excited to plant new flowers, to see my trees bloom, but one thing I don't enjoy is cleaning out the old leaves, weeds, and pruning. The one definition of pruning is to remove (anything considered superfluous or undesirable). To me that is also a metaphor of our lives. Spring cleaning and pruning. Do I enjoy it? No, but is it necessary..yes. If not those weeds will strangle the life out of my plants (life), and they will take over everything.

We all want our yards to look beautiful, but for that to occur we must spend numerous hours working and sweating to make it all come together. Some have the pleasure of paying someone to do it for them, but I like to look at mine and say I did that. But I don't like the hard work it takes at pruning my life. Why? Because it hurts sometimes. We all have those people, places and things we have to cut out of lives sometimes b/c they are a cancer to us. Even when it may be family. That is the hardest to do, b/c we want so much for our family to love us, and to love them. Change is difficult...in the past I have absolutely loathed change, but I see it now as a necessity of my life. Without it I will stay the same...and that is not acceptable to me anymore.

As I watched my youngest one sleep next to me last night...I felt my heart swell with love for her. She is a wonderful child, with a heart for God...who could truly ask for more? I realize for her to grow into the young woman she needs to be to be healthy..pruning of my life is essential. She has watched (as all my kids have) me fall flat on my face..more than once, but she has also seen me pick myself back up, dust off and move on. Our kids have to see our weaknesses and faults or they will grow up believing they have an expectation of perfection to live up to. I did it with my grandmother, and it only caused me grief as I got older.

It is hard, but I have to take an inventory of my life and see where I am lacking and make a conscience effort to try and make it right. Forgive those that need forgiven (even if they don't know it), ask for forgiveness (even when my pride will fight me to the death on it!), and let go of issues that I truly cannot change. God is my driver...or at least He is trying to be! I keep telling Him to move over and let me do it b/c i can do it better..NOT really, but our minds and satan can make us think we can. We can fix it all..but we can't. The more we fight it the worse our lives spiral out of control.

So, I will keep working on the pruning. My hands may get raw, my heart and head feel like they may explode or implode, and the tears may flow, but this is my life...I have an obligation to my family to keep moving forward, and that my friend is what I plan on doing.

Luke 8:11
11"This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. 12Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. 13Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. 14The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. 15But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

Everything happens for a reason...

How many times have you heard that said to you in your life? I have heard it more times than I would care to count, but looking back over the years I know that it stands the test of time in truth.

The only problem is telling your heart and head to coordinate when you are going through those times of just wanting to either disappear or turn into a recluse! Sometimes I think I personally focus on the issues that are going on in my life, b/c they tend to be numerous and frequent! They never seem to be minimal items, they tend to be life changing, life altering things occuring...if you know me you know what I mean. I used to think that I had been such a horrible person that I deserved all the grief and pain I have had to endure, but as I have gotten older I realize that is not the truth. Some of the issues I bring on to myself...self-sabotage. A lovely sympton of my childhood. I will probably work for the rest of my days trying to overcome or at least minimize this issue.

Everyone's pain is crucial to them. I had and still can be a self-absorbed, pompous you know what on a bad day! I have come to an understanding with myself that I can't control life or those around me..I can only control me, and not a very good job at that all the time either! When I stop sitting in my pity pot of woes is me, I can tend to see that I have much to be thankful and happy for, but it doesn't change the fact that I fight that comfortability I find in that pot of pity.

All things happen for a reason...
I don't understand...I don't know why, but they do somehow work there way out, and I always look back and go "aha, i see it now". Not always, but most of the time.. Our Father has created us to glorify Him. I tend to lose sight of that when I try to figure out how, what and why...I will probably never have the answers to the deep, penetrating questions of my soul and past... Will I choose to hang on to that? Or will I let go and let God do His job??

"Five great enemies to peace inhabit us: avarice, ambition, envy, anger, and pride. If those enemies were to be banished, we should infallibly enjoy perpetual peace."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the blink of an eye....

Today I was reminded that all the things we put as the utmost of importance can change in the blink of an eye. We are bombarded on the news and internet with the many people that lose their lives everyday...useless and senseless deaths. I can't even imagine the thought of losing one of my children. It makes it hard for me to even breath when I contemplate it...

My oldest is working on a paper for school on professions and wanting to step into the world of specializing in her disease, and I was reminded of past experiences where I thought I may never see her grow into the young woman she is. Those memories make my heart ache, but it also reminds of how grateful I am that God spared her to let me enjoy and invest in her life.

Also watching my father in law...my heart overflows with emotion, and realization of unsaid thoughts and feelings we always think we have time to express...There may not always be tomorrow... That is a very sobering thought.

I am not perfect, I make mistakes everyday, and I am a work in progress. I have much to learn, and I know that God prepares me daily for what His ultimate plan is for my life. I just hope that I realize every breath is a gift, every smile is a bonus, and that our lives are not made successful by what we do, but where our heart and relationship is with our God.

In the blink of an eye your life could change forever....

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose- Romans 8:28

In healing of memories, I must make a choice. Will I let past hurts control me and keep me acting in self-centered ways, or will I let the peace and love of the Holy Spirit control my future? - (Dennis & Matthew Linn)
**What a deep question to ponder....

Broken cycles

I just recently picked up certain classics such as selected writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Walt Whitman. I absolutely love the core of their writings. There is much meaning of their writings with which I think they so eloquently write. In saying that I also have been trying to in the past 7 years trying to write my life story. It is a good thing (looking back) that I have not completed it, b/c each time I have went back to edit it...it changes. I change. I gain more understanding and perspective of where things were, are and the people that have influenced my life. I began at 26 very angry, as time has went on so has the healing. I have been placed in situations that I know had I not went through what I went through 24 years ago I could not have been the advocate I am now for children without a voice.
I came across a paragraph that really hit me hard with so much truth:

"Our pain and sorrow begin at the very beginning, when we begin within our family. Family contains its own paradox, serving on the one hand as shield and protection against newborn vulnerability and, on the other hand, as the setting within which we suffer our first wounds. As infants we are dependent upon our parents to defend and shelter us, yet it is inevitabilty also our parents who first wound us" (Richard Morgan)

When a child lacks that protection the seeds of insecurity, abandonment, and worthlessness begin to happen. Those issues follow you and intensify as you grow. Do I know this from experience? Yes, in more ways than one. You spend the rest of your life searching for something to fill that very large, very deep hole. Substance abuse, betrayal in all forms, and sometimes eventually b/c you really don't see an end...suicide...the list goes on of the destruction that you begin to inflict on yourself b/c you are used to life being chaos and pain.

Many people would say, well that is just an excuse. Well I have learned a thing or two about judging people...you really have no clue to how another feels when going through the traumas of their life. We all process and deal with things differently. And God has also shown me through many of my past "casting" of judgments, in some way shape or form, I have had to experience similiar situations in my own life. I am in a situation now where I feel God has placed me in lives of 4 very vulnerable children (not my own 3)who have NO voice.

I watch each time I see them a little more of their spirits chipped away...Why does it have to be this way? And why at the hands of the ones who God ordained to protect them? If I do nothing will someone else? Studies say no. People are comfortable sitting from afar saying "such a tragedy" "someone really should take those kids", but I don't see a line at the door doing whatever it takes to make it happen. I have had moments like that. I am human. It takes one person to make a difference. I am not sure that person is me, but I will do everything in my power as i live and breathe to protect them. We do so much for other countries, and we feel horribly when we see it on TV, magazines etc...we have kids HERE that are dying everyday at the hands of a loved one! That is despicable.

We all have more than we need. I don't care if you make $30,000 or $100,000 we do. We have had one of the worst years financially that I think we have had to endure, and I can look back and say I could have spared some if not many things for the sake of others. We all have great intentions (as do I), but the road to hell is paved with all the good intentions that we think about and than move on without a backwards glance at what is right. Right is hard, and anyone that says differently...well please send them my way for guidance! We have this thing pounded into us that bigger houses, cars, vacations, material things for our kids is the way....I beg to differ. 2 words for our society now- Instant gratification. Giving your child all those things will possibly hinder how and who they become as an adult. Will they feel grateful b/c they struggled and did without if you give them all their wants and desires? Probably not.

I am rambling i know. I am very compassionate about both of these things. (if you couldn't tell!)It has taken me 24 years to look at my past and say I am grateful. I am grateful for the pain, the loss, the lessons, and the growth that it has been able to give me for without it I could not teach my children. When my oldest comes to me and says with her whole heart how do I make a difference for people that don't have anything? Or watching her heart understand what it is like to truly be without love, shelter, and guidance...those are things money can't buy, and my just telling her won't teach her.

All that being said...we have the power within us to break cycles. For once I can say many cycles in my 33 years have been smashed. For that I am eternally grateful to my Lord and Savior.

Grace like rain....

One definition of grace is-the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them. My definition goes with that, but grace to me is-my life. Grace so undeserved, but freely given.. I am in awe of things when I finally stop complaining and look around. I have been given so much, but thank God so little. No matter what i do or where I go He doesn't change...i do. Life is so full of complex issues, problems, sadness and strife that sometimes I think it is easier to focus on the negative, and ask the question if there is a God where is He? Well, for me, I have to rephrase that question even when i don't want to and ask "where am I?". He is my rock and my fortress, and I will not be shaken...I need to remember that....

Falls like rain...even when we ask for it to stop..