Have you ever been vicariously walking through life, and even though every thing around you is insane and unknown…you are thinking "hey I can handle all of this right?" I have been though worse right?Sometimes my strength is a huge weakness. I try so hard to be strong, b/c I have let myself be defeated with shame, guilt and failure so many times in my life that I do not like showing or being vulnerable. The problem is I can’t balance them. It is a positive to have strength, but vulnerability is what makes us reach out for help to others and most importantly to God. BALANCE…another one of those items that constantly evades me!
What brought this post on…well lets just go from the top! I started my day like any other. I got up, got the kids up, took them to school and went to my job. On the way to work my windshield wiper broke. Once at work, I had a plan as to how my day was supposed to go, well we all know how that works out huh? My kids only had a ½ day of school so why by 10:30 am did I get a call from the school?! My son (who can be overdramatic, no idea where he gets it) had stepped on something this weekend, and told me he thought it was a thorn, but he got it out. Well the secretary at the school had him down in her office with him complaining of pain and swelling. She proceeded to tell me if she was his mom she would be taking him to the doctor. Well, anyone who knows me, I was on the defensive, b/c it made me feel like a horrible mother.
Moving on. Came home to take him to Redi-Med, and good grief I think more than ½ of Ft. Wayne was coughing, hacking, and sitting in the waiting room. I spent the first 20 min dealing with insurance…what an unbelievable pain! My youngest daughter insisted that she come along, and after about 2 hrs she was done. I had to have my oldest daughter come get her…my son was complaining, and I felt like the room was shrinking and all these sick people were on top of me! We finally left after about 2.5 hrs and I was already spent, but I had 3 hungry kids, a dirty house, and had to go get my son’s prescription filled. That was another point where I wanted to just sit down and cry! Here we go again with insurance and bureaucratic BS and another hour of waiting!
I was beyond spent by time I actually got home. I have been trying to be strong knowing we are going to have to walk away from our house that I have spent more sobriety in than I haven’t. The house that me and the kids have been able to spend time painting, gardening etc. It hit me hard today. I know it is just a house, but it has become our home…I know that there are worse things in life, and they could be worse for us, but that doesn’t change the fact that it does hurt. I fell apart. The tears came, and the heart felt like it was breaking. I don’t think, after reflecting tonight, that it was all about the house. That is a big part, but knowing Chels is due back for blood work, at my job there are some things changing that make me nervous, I don’t know…it just all piled up, and the floodgates opened and it rained.
Thank God for my husband. We have been through more in 10 years of marriage than some couples have in 20 years, but he reminded me today the one thing or person that has always been consistent and gotten us through…that one is God. He has always provided even when we had no idea how…I know now more than ever I have to immerse myself in Him or I will drown. That scares me more than anything…
I have to focus on my blessings, on the things I do have. Sorry for the rant, but I had to get it out and re-focus. I have learned when I try to be super woman, and take it all on…everything falls apart b/c I am trying to do it alone. It is like a small child putting there hand on a stove, you pull them away and redirect. That is what God is doing for me.
I know the floodgates have to empty out, and that is okay.
1 comment:
I am praying for you.
Sue
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