Life is a journey. Sometimes that journey is so difficult you are not quite sure you are going to make it through. Sometimes you slip off the road into a ditch, and just hope and pray someone comes by to help you out…occasionally they will, and occasionally they won’t. That is where faith comes in…trusting that the Lord will get you through no matter how impossible the road may seem.
Why am I contemplating this? I sometimes have to step back and look at where I am where I am going and determine if I am down in that ditch again. One would think you would just know, but sometimes being isolated and hopeless is easier than actually doing anything about it without someone holding your hand.
My little Chelsey got her permit to drive on Tuesday. I am going through the emotions that involves. Scared, anxious, sad, and excited for her. I feel like just yesterday we were in the hospital and she was so proud of her painted toenails! Now, my baby is going to be driving…Time just fly’s by, and I can’t help but think did I teach her enough, love her enough to set her free? All my screw ups, will that hinder her?
I don’t have answers to those questions except I have done the best I could with the tools I had, which were few! I am very grateful I get to share this with her, b/c I had no one to share it with or be excited with when I was her age.
This journey of my life has been a long one. Sometimes I get it, and other times I just can’t wrap my mind around all I have endured. As I slowly sift through the truths and ashes of my childhood it is very easy to sink into a pit of despair. Questions arise…how could they, why did they, why didn’t they? Overwhelming since of disgust and anger is what I am trying to work through right now. It is very difficult…
My niece, who is still living with us, just recently had an array of genetic testing done on her. When I went in to get the results I was relieved that she didn’t have anything life threatening, but devastated to find out she has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Now I must get my nephew tested as well. Those questions come back...how could she, why did she…
I have really been analyzing much of my life. It amazes me, scares me, confuses me…and so on. I am definitely at a place of riding the fence. Not sure why, but all I can think is that my walls are my defense mechanisms b/c of so much happening in a short amount of time. I am not relying on Him, but on me. That is a problem, and I am struggling with it.
“Do not dismiss your dreams.To be without dreams is to be without hope.To be without hope is to be without purpose.Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.”
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
What powerful lyrics, did she watch my childhood?
Concrete Angel by Martina McBride-
she walks to school with a lunch she packed
nobody knows what she's holding back wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
she hides the bruises with the linen and lace the teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
it's hard to see the pain behind the mask
bearing the burden of a secret stormsometimes she wishes she was never born
CHORUS: through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above but her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved
concrete angel somebody cries in the middle of the night
the neighbors hear but they turn out the light
a fragile soul caught in the hands of fate when morning comes it'll be too late
a statue stands in a shaded place an angel girl with an upturned face
a name is written on a polished rock a broken heart that the world forgot
she walks to school with a lunch she packed
nobody knows what she's holding back wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
she hides the bruises with the linen and lace the teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
it's hard to see the pain behind the mask
bearing the burden of a secret stormsometimes she wishes she was never born
CHORUS: through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above but her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved
concrete angel somebody cries in the middle of the night
the neighbors hear but they turn out the light
a fragile soul caught in the hands of fate when morning comes it'll be too late
a statue stands in a shaded place an angel girl with an upturned face
a name is written on a polished rock a broken heart that the world forgot
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Letting it all go...
"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.”How do I get to my safe place? Today was a day I indeed do not want repeated. I want to scream at the top of my lungs “why do I see what you cannot!!!”
The system is so aggravating, unleveled to say the least, but overall there to protect the wrong people. It seems now that I know what I know about my parents everything takes on a new light. I am so angry that they are not sharing this burden with me. It is hard b/c I have to be careful when riding the fine line of resentment. It can put me in an ugly place.
I still am struggling to get back in step with the Lord. I find that when I feel the most vulnerable is when I pull up anchor, and close up inside from everyone. That is my safe place. Is it really safe? No, b/c it alienates me from everyone including my Lord and Savior. The difference is I know that now, but it doesn’t make it easier!
I don’t know what is going to happen in the coming months, but I hope and pray I let go of these reigns b/c they are dragging me down, but I can’t seem to let go. I want all the answers, but I know that is so unrealistic.
Today my baby boy turned 14. I can’t even believe it. I feel very blessed with my children, and I got 2 phone calls today that were beyond frustrating. I just don’t get it. Letting go…why is it so hard?
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Information Overload
Proverbs 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. By following God's word we can raise children who avoid evil and serve God faithfully.
I have recently been able to obtain all of the files, with countless information, on my parents from 25 years ago. I believed that in order for me to move on I had to fill in the missing pieces to the puzzle called my life.
Now that I know, I am just numb. I don’t know what to feel or think. I am disappointed, hurt, angry, and just numb. I have to disassociate myself from it or I will spiral into an abyss. Who were these people? Why did they not love me?
I must move on. I have to absorb this information little by little, and figure out how to forgive. If I don’t, it will poison me. I have been forgiven for so much, and out of all this I realize how unbelievable the hand of God truly is. He was there…I know He was. Watching over me, and knowing He was not through with me yet. I still struggle though…your parents are supposed to protect and love you, not try and destroy you.
I was at my in-laws this evening, and God love my father in law Jim. He said above all else love Jesus…anyone that knows what Jim has gone through in the last year and half can only appreciate that, and say halleluiah. Amazing…
Though this is hard, it makes me love my children all the more, and motivates me to get my story out there and educate people on the importance of doing your part to be a voice for an innocent child.
I have recently been able to obtain all of the files, with countless information, on my parents from 25 years ago. I believed that in order for me to move on I had to fill in the missing pieces to the puzzle called my life.
Now that I know, I am just numb. I don’t know what to feel or think. I am disappointed, hurt, angry, and just numb. I have to disassociate myself from it or I will spiral into an abyss. Who were these people? Why did they not love me?
I must move on. I have to absorb this information little by little, and figure out how to forgive. If I don’t, it will poison me. I have been forgiven for so much, and out of all this I realize how unbelievable the hand of God truly is. He was there…I know He was. Watching over me, and knowing He was not through with me yet. I still struggle though…your parents are supposed to protect and love you, not try and destroy you.
I was at my in-laws this evening, and God love my father in law Jim. He said above all else love Jesus…anyone that knows what Jim has gone through in the last year and half can only appreciate that, and say halleluiah. Amazing…
Though this is hard, it makes me love my children all the more, and motivates me to get my story out there and educate people on the importance of doing your part to be a voice for an innocent child.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Decisions
I have said this before, “be careful what you wish for”. Right now I have in front of me what I thought, initially, was an awesome chance to share my life, my testimony, and my faith to those that need hope. Life isn’t always that cut and dry…I am trying to figure out what decision I should make without “selling” myself out.
My life and what has happened is an important part of who I am. While I am willing to share this, I am not sure I want to hand it over to someone to depict or spin the way they “see” it.
I just needed to spill that out…do I know how this is going to go? No, but I know that God willing I will make the decision that will glorify Him.
I know this blog is vague, but if you are reading say a quick prayer to the Lord to give me direction and guidance with the decisions that lie before me.
For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.-- Alfred D. Souza
My life and what has happened is an important part of who I am. While I am willing to share this, I am not sure I want to hand it over to someone to depict or spin the way they “see” it.
I just needed to spill that out…do I know how this is going to go? No, but I know that God willing I will make the decision that will glorify Him.
I know this blog is vague, but if you are reading say a quick prayer to the Lord to give me direction and guidance with the decisions that lie before me.
For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.-- Alfred D. Souza
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Rest in Him
Lyrics by Jaci Velasquez...powerful song for me at this season of my life.
Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;
Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,You're right where You have always been.
Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.I will rest in You,I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.Tell me I'm a fool,Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
[And*] comfort me like only You can,And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.
Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,I will rest in You.
Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;
Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,You're right where You have always been.
Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.I will rest in You,I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.Tell me I'm a fool,Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
[And*] comfort me like only You can,And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.
Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,I will rest in You.
Monday, April 28, 2008
life passing by
Deuteronomy 31:6 (New International Version)
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
It has been a long time since I last posted, but life has not slowed down even a bit. We have more life changing issues going on in our lives right now, but what is ever new?
I again feel like I have lost my path with God. I have been so caught up in trying to fight the system, but the system keeps pushing me back and down, which is beginning to take its toll. I feel so defeated and want to give up, but I know that isn’t an option.
Every one in the family is struggling right now, and the strain of the last year has worn on all of us. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t always produce the fruit until much later.
Why is it so easy to fall off track? I feel so anxious and disengaged with life. I hate feeling this way, but I have been overwhelmed in so many areas and not talking with God. My journaling and reading have dwindled, and I can see the results.
He is there I just keeping ignoring Him. I am just very down on myself b/c it seems like everyone in my life is not happy for one reason or another.
Lord help me…
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
It has been a long time since I last posted, but life has not slowed down even a bit. We have more life changing issues going on in our lives right now, but what is ever new?
I again feel like I have lost my path with God. I have been so caught up in trying to fight the system, but the system keeps pushing me back and down, which is beginning to take its toll. I feel so defeated and want to give up, but I know that isn’t an option.
Every one in the family is struggling right now, and the strain of the last year has worn on all of us. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t always produce the fruit until much later.
Why is it so easy to fall off track? I feel so anxious and disengaged with life. I hate feeling this way, but I have been overwhelmed in so many areas and not talking with God. My journaling and reading have dwindled, and I can see the results.
He is there I just keeping ignoring Him. I am just very down on myself b/c it seems like everyone in my life is not happy for one reason or another.
Lord help me…
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