Do I have a choice to get off this ride?? :-)

Another week gone by and so many emotions touched yet again. Fear and anxiety can paralyze me. It can trap me in an abyss of nothingness if I allow it.

Where does this come from? Well as most have read from my previous posts life is a roller coaster right now, but you know when isn’t it!? I guess right now it just feels more so.

We went to see my father in law last week, and he finally got the halo off! It was awesome to see him without that mangle of metal. It was a beautiful sight to see him with color on his face, and a smile to go with it! My kids laughed, and enjoyed time with grandpa, and that was wonderful to watch. Those are moments that are priceless, and make you realize the daily grind really is so unimportant in the grander scheme of life.

The house issue has almost in some ways drawing down to a close in the fact that we see progress in where we are “going to land” now in sight. I feel good, relieved, sad all balled up into one. I spent tonight going through a cabinet full of pictures and items from the kids from over the years. We have had to do a lot of purging this time around knowing we are downsizing considerably. I think that is good…hard, but good. I laughed, cried, and laughed some more with the kids over looking at how much my beautiful babies are no longer babies…

Looking at memories I realized we have been happy no matter where we are…that is what is important. I need to realize how so unbelievably blessed I am to have these wonderful children, and a husband who has been able to stick by me even when he shouldn’t have. I am trying to focus on knowing we are all in this together, and that is how we will make it through…with God as our guide...

Lastly as the week is drawing to a close my dear sweet daughter and her blood work. I went to get my hair cut by my lovely sister in law, and as she lovingly washed my hair (which I normally don’t want her to stop), the tears came again. I had taken Chelsey to Parkview, and the whole way to Anna’s my mind raced. Fears, dreads, what-ifs..I was making myself a nut case. I am grateful that it was Anna who was the one it happened with..(not sure if she was!). She said what I needed to hear…

Today I called the liver transplant coordinator, and to my dismay they elevated again….Fear, scared again. Chelsey’s GI doctor is out of the country, but will be back on Monday so she said they will make a decision than on what course of action to take. The may increase her dose of medication, which to most seems like nothing, but it is. The medicine that she takes is saving her life, but it is very potent. It can cause long term kidney damage, which could lead to diabetes or cancer. Anyway, please continue to keep her in your prayers.

Till the next adventure…
-A

Open the flood gates of heaven and let it rain…

Have you ever been vicariously walking through life, and even though every thing around you is insane and unknown…you are thinking "hey I can handle all of this right?" I have been though worse right?

Sometimes my strength is a huge weakness. I try so hard to be strong, b/c I have let myself be defeated with shame, guilt and failure so many times in my life that I do not like showing or being vulnerable. The problem is I can’t balance them. It is a positive to have strength, but vulnerability is what makes us reach out for help to others and most importantly to God. BALANCE…another one of those items that constantly evades me!

What brought this post on…well lets just go from the top! I started my day like any other. I got up, got the kids up, took them to school and went to my job. On the way to work my windshield wiper broke. Once at work, I had a plan as to how my day was supposed to go, well we all know how that works out huh? My kids only had a ½ day of school so why by 10:30 am did I get a call from the school?! My son (who can be overdramatic, no idea where he gets it) had stepped on something this weekend, and told me he thought it was a thorn, but he got it out. Well the secretary at the school had him down in her office with him complaining of pain and swelling. She proceeded to tell me if she was his mom she would be taking him to the doctor. Well, anyone who knows me, I was on the defensive, b/c it made me feel like a horrible mother.

Moving on. Came home to take him to Redi-Med, and good grief I think more than ½ of Ft. Wayne was coughing, hacking, and sitting in the waiting room. I spent the first 20 min dealing with insurance…what an unbelievable pain! My youngest daughter insisted that she come along, and after about 2 hrs she was done. I had to have my oldest daughter come get her…my son was complaining, and I felt like the room was shrinking and all these sick people were on top of me! We finally left after about 2.5 hrs and I was already spent, but I had 3 hungry kids, a dirty house, and had to go get my son’s prescription filled. That was another point where I wanted to just sit down and cry! Here we go again with insurance and bureaucratic BS and another hour of waiting!

I was beyond spent by time I actually got home. I have been trying to be strong knowing we are going to have to walk away from our house that I have spent more sobriety in than I haven’t. The house that me and the kids have been able to spend time painting, gardening etc. It hit me hard today. I know it is just a house, but it has become our home…I know that there are worse things in life, and they could be worse for us, but that doesn’t change the fact that it does hurt. I fell apart. The tears came, and the heart felt like it was breaking. I don’t think, after reflecting tonight, that it was all about the house. That is a big part, but knowing Chels is due back for blood work, at my job there are some things changing that make me nervous, I don’t know…it just all piled up, and the floodgates opened and it rained.

Thank God for my husband. We have been through more in 10 years of marriage than some couples have in 20 years, but he reminded me today the one thing or person that has always been consistent and gotten us through…that one is God. He has always provided even when we had no idea how…I know now more than ever I have to immerse myself in Him or I will drown. That scares me more than anything…

I have to focus on my blessings, on the things I do have. Sorry for the rant, but I had to get it out and re-focus. I have learned when I try to be super woman, and take it all on…everything falls apart b/c I am trying to do it alone. It is like a small child putting there hand on a stove, you pull them away and redirect. That is what God is doing for me.

I know the floodgates have to empty out, and that is okay.

Standing on the edge...

I have recently been reading another series written by Tim LaHaye (author of the Left Behind Series), and this one is Babylon Rising. It has been an enthralling series! I have read all 4 books in a month! Anyway there have been many issues and thoughts that have come from me reading books that make me look at life as it is instead of ignoring things I don’t want to see or deal with… (government, fuel/oil, policies, world leaders etc...)

Anyway I came across (to me anyway) two pertinent questions that honestly I think I needed to ponder. We as a society are becoming more and more accepting of just about anything, and I have to admit that I fall into that as well. I am not talking about racism or prejudice b/c I am completely against any of that talk…my children will not grow up with that ignorance and that is all it is. I am talking cults…witchcraft (Harry potter), fairies, tarot cards, psychics, astrology, Ouija boards etc. Now I never got into a lot of these things and I am very grateful, but many around me did.

I mean do I open the paper and look under my sign...well yes I have. Do I think it is a load of you know what most of the time? That would be a very big YES. I have learned whatever God has planned for my life will be with or without my consent!

Anyway, the two questions he asks are; “To what extent have I been exposed to occult-type philosophy? And two “how has it affected my thinking and daily life? These may mean nothing to anyone else, but they stuck out to me b/c things such as celebrating Halloween, and some things that I just found out with a little research on Easter…not about Jesus, but about the bunnies, colored eggs…etc. I think once your aware of something to do it just because is disobedience. I by no means am saying that anyone who celebrates Halloween is a devil worshipper! I guess when I look at the background of how it came about, and what it represents it makes it very hard to know that I am allowing my children to be apart of it. They know that they are not allowed to go as ghouls, devils…etc, but ughh where do you draw the line??

That is just my take…I just kept thinking after I read this when my children are older are they going to be even more accepting into the “worlds views” or what and who God is and wants them to do in their lives. I guess we all know what it is to worship or idolize something or someone, but even for myself I don’t think we know the depth of something’s until we really look at it, and ask those questions we really don’t even blink an eye at most of the time… Just a thought…

I just recently found out that two people that I was pretty close to are agnostic. I was disappointed b/c I know that the one was brought up in a Christian home, and I know she knows God, but she is very angry with where her life is…all I can do is pray that she will realize why she is feeling so empty.

Any thoughts on this are more than welcome.
-A