Life goes on...

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest I don’t want to end up where You found me And it echoes in my mind Keeps me awake tonight I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away From You leaving me this way…

This song by Casting Crowns has been echoing in my mind for weeks…Friday was hell. I won’t sugar coat it..all of last week was actually. I haven’t felt like blogging b/c honestly I have so much to say, but does any of it truly matter?

As I walked up to the court house on Friday I had a full blown panic attack. I haven’t had one of those in years. In the past they were onset by issues with my parents or that day. As I walked in there to do what I knew was right, and in the middle of my attack, I found myself 24 years before standing in a court house with my grandmother fighting for custody of us 4 kids.

I could not for the life of me afterward figure out why that image and day came flooding back. I hadn’t thought of it for years. As I thought about it Saturday it came to me. I had been praying for my grandmother to be with me that day…and she was! The strength it took her to overcome and do what was right even though it was hard and frightening she did it. She was with me…I felt peace (a little!) after I came to that realization. I did what I knew she would have done had she been here today.

It crushed my heart to do what I had to do, but I know I did what was right. People keep themselves in denial so that they don’t have to face their true selves. I should know I have done it many times. I hope and pray that my sister will forgive me, and know that I did it because of my love for her and her children.

I have had so many people tell me that they can’t believe I did it, and how heroic it was…why is that? I did what we all should do. When you see children or any one in need (especially family) don’t you do what it takes to help and get them better? I have realized that I have had to make a few calls and stand up for what is right when others won’t. I am so surprised at how many cower behind their fears or stay in their “comfortable” settings b/c it is too much work to just try… I know I fear many things, but there has to be a point when you trust in God to step out and make a difference.

Where do I go from here? Hmm. I don’t know. I have no job, my sister hates me, and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring…but have I ever? That would be an emphatic NO.
I just have to keep moving forward and understand this is in God’s plan even if I don’t understand. And here we visit the Trust issue again…

Psalm 27:1- The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?