Ugggghhh....Anger

He who angers you conquers you. - Elizabeth Kenny

I could feel it bubbling inside me like a volcano ready to explode. I prepared myself for the worst (or so I thought), but it was not what I was prepared for. Frustration, hurt, and than anger. Why did I expect any different??!! Ugghhh. It makes me mad at myself that I even let it get to me, but darn it why is that family hurts you the worst?

I hadn’t seen her in 4 years…not even a hug, how are you, I wish I could slap you…nope none of the above. Even the latter would have been nice. Geez to acknowledge my existence would have been enough.

Today has tried my patience more than I can even type fast enough. I am at the end of my proverbial rope. I feel very alone right now...I am already stressed to my max. Today did not help matters at all. That is frustrating me too. I don’t feel like I should feel this way, but I do. All these things that keep happening…family…again WHY? I will hope and pray till my knees bleed that my kids never treat each other this way, or that their aunts, uncles around them never turn on them and discard them like a dirty rag. I hope I teach them as they become adults to love their family, be there for each other even when you don’t feel you can one last time.

I feel like crap even typing this post, but I have to get it out. It has been simmering in me since this afternoon. I know that letting my anger get the best of me is giving the devil a foothold, but I am trying to purge myself now and let it go. I miss my grandmother something awful…i really need her right now. This is one of those times when not having parents or grandparents to lean on depresses me. I just need someone to tell me it is okay or it is going to be okay eventually…

Okay now that the anger is out…now I just feel sad. I think the rejection is the main cause for my anger. It is what it is. I can’t make someone care about me…they either do or they don’t. I know my next course of action is prayer. All I can do is pray for them. Boy is that hard when you’re frustrated and hurt, but I have to. If not, they won, and all I will feel is worse.

Life is just hard sometimes. I have spent a lot of time in the last two years asking for forgiveness for what I have done no matter what they did to me…so I guess this isn’t about them it is about me. I have to do what is right even when I don’t want to.