Food for thought..

Luke 18:17 (New Living Translation)
17 I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.”
If a child lives with criticism
He learns to condemn;
If a child lives with hostility
He learns to fight;
If a child lives with ridicule
He learns to be shy;
If a child lives with shame
He learns to feel guilty.
BUT
If a child lives with tolerance
He learns to be patient;
If a child lives with encouragement
He learns confidence;
If a child lives with praise
He learns to appreciate;
If a child lives with fairness
He learns justice;
If a child lives with security
He learns to have faith;
If a child lives with approval
He learns to like himself;
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship
He learns to find Love in the world.

Endurance

Hebrews 13:2-3
So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! 36 Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

Patient endurance. These last couple of months have been some of the most trying I think that I have had to endure in awhile, but somehow I have endured. Only by His grace…

Our lives right now are in complete limbo. We have no idea what is going to happen with many areas of our life. There were moments this weekend when I felt my resolve completely diminish. I couldn’t do it for one more second. I was ready to throw in the towel…literally.

That scared me. It has just been an overwhelming increase b/c of people, things etc coming at me from all sides, and what do I tackle first?! It is too much, but as I read through Hebrews last night I realized much of this is b/c my outlook has been so consumed with things out of my control…geesh I had to visit that again…isn’t that like the 100th time since I have begun blogging?!! I guess that is why this is therapeutic to me. Who knows if any one is listening…actually I know one who is, and He is all that truly matters.

I had to again ask for forgiveness b/c my fuse is beyond short right now. I am disappointed in people that I should have never expected anything from. I am sick that there are so many cowards that run in my blood line. Is that disappointment and resentment going to do me any good? No, it has been slowing poisoning me the last 2 weeks, and the effects have shown through…

There are moments I want to step outside and just scream until I can’t anymore. I don’t understand some of the things happening right now….argh. But it isn’t my job to understand. It is my job to be a servant joyfully. Easily, um no. I have to do His will even though satan is doing his darndest to take me down right now.

I have to keep moving b/c slowing down is not an option at this point. I pray that His strength will sustain me…

Hebrews 4:7
“Today when you hear his voice, don’t harden your hearts.”

Life goes on...

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest I don’t want to end up where You found me And it echoes in my mind Keeps me awake tonight I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away From You leaving me this way…

This song by Casting Crowns has been echoing in my mind for weeks…Friday was hell. I won’t sugar coat it..all of last week was actually. I haven’t felt like blogging b/c honestly I have so much to say, but does any of it truly matter?

As I walked up to the court house on Friday I had a full blown panic attack. I haven’t had one of those in years. In the past they were onset by issues with my parents or that day. As I walked in there to do what I knew was right, and in the middle of my attack, I found myself 24 years before standing in a court house with my grandmother fighting for custody of us 4 kids.

I could not for the life of me afterward figure out why that image and day came flooding back. I hadn’t thought of it for years. As I thought about it Saturday it came to me. I had been praying for my grandmother to be with me that day…and she was! The strength it took her to overcome and do what was right even though it was hard and frightening she did it. She was with me…I felt peace (a little!) after I came to that realization. I did what I knew she would have done had she been here today.

It crushed my heart to do what I had to do, but I know I did what was right. People keep themselves in denial so that they don’t have to face their true selves. I should know I have done it many times. I hope and pray that my sister will forgive me, and know that I did it because of my love for her and her children.

I have had so many people tell me that they can’t believe I did it, and how heroic it was…why is that? I did what we all should do. When you see children or any one in need (especially family) don’t you do what it takes to help and get them better? I have realized that I have had to make a few calls and stand up for what is right when others won’t. I am so surprised at how many cower behind their fears or stay in their “comfortable” settings b/c it is too much work to just try… I know I fear many things, but there has to be a point when you trust in God to step out and make a difference.

Where do I go from here? Hmm. I don’t know. I have no job, my sister hates me, and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring…but have I ever? That would be an emphatic NO.
I just have to keep moving forward and understand this is in God’s plan even if I don’t understand. And here we visit the Trust issue again…

Psalm 27:1- The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?

Straining so hard to look up...

When you think you have had enough and can’t do it anymore, you get served some more. Isn’t that the way it works?

Today was just another day. Just some preface before I get to the “good” stuff (and yes that is sarcasm you are smelling). The last three years have been some of the most hellacious when it has come to jobs. I was in the mortgage business for almost 6 tumultuous years. I hated it. Cut throat, fraudulent places to be (the ones I was in). I just didn’t feel that is where I should be, and finally I got out. Purpose of that sharing is b/c jobs/income have been all over the map for my family in the last 3 years. It has been difficult on all of us. That is why we moved. The effects of those years caught up.

Anyway back to today. I have had a feeling for awhile things were taking a downward dip where I am at now, but held on to the hope that somehow it would come back together…wrongo. After I received a phone call already giving me some bad news on another thing, my boss comes in 15 min before I get off to tell me the doors maybe closing Friday. Poof, April no job again. I have to say at first I had major meltdown. Oh how I hate change. I hate instability, but I hate dishonesty more.

These things never come sparingly over time; no they come all at once. Tears, anger, all the emotions seared through me. I didn’t want to tell my children yet again I just don’t know. But once I picked Tre up and saw him smiling and running towards me…it changed.

It is going to be okay. It always is, but only if I keep my eyes on the Lord, and know He has always provided what we need. May not be all we want or think we need, but He always takes care of us. He is shifting my path…I don’t know why, but He is. There is a reason for everything, and to everything there is a season…I have to focus on all I still do have. Difficult yes, but I have to. To try and think to far ahead about this and this…oh I will be more insane than what I already am.

I didn’t realize that posting last night would ring so true in my ears today. Faith looks up…oh that is all I can do. Focus on getting through today, and let God take care of tomorrow.

I have finals tomorrow…not sure how I am going to concentrate, but hey I have been through worse right?!

Romans 5:2-5 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. 3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.

I found this quote, and it jumped out at me. I have found in the last couple of weeks sorrow has made me look back a great deal. It is very easy for me b/c of my past to look back at all the trauma that others inflicted on me or I have inflicted on myself. Life is such a day to day thing. Every day is anew, and every day I am given the pardon to try to do what is right…again.

Worry looks around. How many times in the last week have I been looking around, mauling over in my mind, how, what, why etc. it can consume me if I don’t catch it. I started feeling the loneliness, which in turn made me start looking inward and questioning why do I not have a friend I can call up and turn to? Why have I not put more people in my life to be accountable when I start getting prickly with all the woes of the world right now? Because I am not spending enough time focusing on God instead I am all about me again.

It is so hard sometimes. I get so frustrated at myself b/c it is like banging your head against the wall saying to yourself….well maybe it won’t hurt this time!! Good grief. I don’t think I consciously do it, but when I really think about it, that is exactly what I am doing.

Faith looks up. Hmm. Am I looking up or am I looking inward? When I think of the actual act of looking up into the sky I don’t know why but I feel peace. Why don’t I do it more than? With what lies ahead of me for this week I have to look up…I have to. If not I am not sure I will be able to make it through…actually I know I won’t.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Ugggghhh....Anger

He who angers you conquers you. - Elizabeth Kenny

I could feel it bubbling inside me like a volcano ready to explode. I prepared myself for the worst (or so I thought), but it was not what I was prepared for. Frustration, hurt, and than anger. Why did I expect any different??!! Ugghhh. It makes me mad at myself that I even let it get to me, but darn it why is that family hurts you the worst?

I hadn’t seen her in 4 years…not even a hug, how are you, I wish I could slap you…nope none of the above. Even the latter would have been nice. Geez to acknowledge my existence would have been enough.

Today has tried my patience more than I can even type fast enough. I am at the end of my proverbial rope. I feel very alone right now...I am already stressed to my max. Today did not help matters at all. That is frustrating me too. I don’t feel like I should feel this way, but I do. All these things that keep happening…family…again WHY? I will hope and pray till my knees bleed that my kids never treat each other this way, or that their aunts, uncles around them never turn on them and discard them like a dirty rag. I hope I teach them as they become adults to love their family, be there for each other even when you don’t feel you can one last time.

I feel like crap even typing this post, but I have to get it out. It has been simmering in me since this afternoon. I know that letting my anger get the best of me is giving the devil a foothold, but I am trying to purge myself now and let it go. I miss my grandmother something awful…i really need her right now. This is one of those times when not having parents or grandparents to lean on depresses me. I just need someone to tell me it is okay or it is going to be okay eventually…

Okay now that the anger is out…now I just feel sad. I think the rejection is the main cause for my anger. It is what it is. I can’t make someone care about me…they either do or they don’t. I know my next course of action is prayer. All I can do is pray for them. Boy is that hard when you’re frustrated and hurt, but I have to. If not, they won, and all I will feel is worse.

Life is just hard sometimes. I have spent a lot of time in the last two years asking for forgiveness for what I have done no matter what they did to me…so I guess this isn’t about them it is about me. I have to do what is right even when I don’t want to.

Live

Wow, I can’t believe it has been a week since I posted last. Whew, does time continue to fly!

These last couples of weeks have begun to take a toll on my body. I have finals next week, Kade is struggling in school, all the kids have been sick (2 with a fever today!), and just trying to prepare myself for a big day next Friday. Those who are close to me know how much this is weighing on my heart and mind, but I have to do what is in the best interests of all involved…even if I feel like my heart is being torn in two.

The reason behind this post is I guess to some comical if you know me, but serious nonetheless. With our move, and all the changes and added stress I had (within the last month) started noticing I was bruising easier, feeling lightheaded more frequently, and losing weight (I have tried for years, and I stop trying and now it comes off!)

Anyway on the serious note I had a doctor’s appt today that had been scheduled for over a month. I was going back for a follow-up b/c I am having migraines more frequently. Moving on…I had myself almost convinced yesterday I was dying. Okay now that you’re done laughing I was serious. I really thought all those years of torturing my poor body had finally caught up with me.

As I went into each kid’s room last night, I finally stopped and took a breath. Something I haven’t done in the last couple of weeks. I took that moment to do what I used to before the last months chaos overcame me. I spent time rubbing chelsey’s back and talking to her, I rubbed ky’s cheek and pushed her hair away as she slept, I thought of how much my son, my beautiful son is growing into a young man, and lastly Tre. How very blessed we are as a family to invest in his life…

My point you may say? Life is short. We may not always have tomorrow. The song by Tim McGraw came to my mind…live like you are dying. On my deathbed I am not going to be thinking of laundry piled up, a dirty house, jobs, money…no I am going to be wondering if my kids know that I love them, and did I raise them to be good human beings.

Well the doctor’s visit was emotional b/c I didn’t know if she was going to send me out of there in a straight jacket or what! She looked at me and said my problem was stress. Hmmm… you think? My body is overloaded. Andy has been telling me that for weeks…

So again…I have to stop and appreciate what is going on. Some things that I put so high on my list needs to take a back seat and my family needs to come first. When I thought about leaving this earth now I realized I am so not done living and doing what God has called me to do.

Romans 12:9-10 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.