Progress...

Self-fulfilled prophesy. Do you know what that means? I have done it a lot in my life. I expect bad, dwell on bad, and ultimately the bad happens. I still do it, but I try to catch myself before I go too far with it, b/c it can be a cancer to me and those around me. We are all so blessed, but we lose focus b/c of our center of the universe is fixed on ME. Does that mean that I don’t have validated things going on? No, but if they consume me and I can’t see past them to anyone else it will lead me to sin even further.

At church today a man was baptized, but before that he gave his testimony. I felt that raw emotion. That gut wrenching, God help me, honesty. I remember that myself four years ago this month. I felt so close to my maker and the freedom it meant for all of those faccids I hid behind for years. I also felt that I don’t do that enough now…I need to. I need to be laying all of that is going on in my life at the altar and let God have the control.

As I have continued to bounce from 2 books by Max Lucado I am amazed at how much I tend to forget what was done for me. As I spoke to Anna today about some things that I struggle with I realized I am not alone. I have always had trust issues, and that I believe is one of the things that kept me from coming to Christ before. I have almost always been let down by parents, siblings, family, and friends. I have learned (not a good thing) to keep a certain amount of distance. It tends to hurt less. Or so my heart says…

I have nailed so many things to the cross…my drinking, my parents, anger, smoking...all the “big” ones to me. I started thinking today what do I move onto next? Three items came to mind: jealousy, envy, and yes again that little one called anger. Progress not perfection right??!

For years I believed that there was something wrong with me b/c I don’t have a ton of friends, very rarely have 1 close friend, and don’t really hang out with anyone but my intimate family. I berated myself, picked myself to pieces believing I was not worth the gum on the bottom of a shoe…damaged goods. I had to learn that God believed I was worthy and lovable. Can I even begin to tell you how unbelievably difficult that was?

Anyway my point is I have accepted who I am now. The good, the bad and the ugly. Now do I believe I don’t have much to work on? That would be an emphatic NO. I still have so much growing and learning to do, but one thing did change. I won’t compromise who I am to make anyone happy. I used to a lot, but for one I wasn’t good at it b/c I wear my heart on my sleeve, but also it made me feel very wrong and fake. I don’t go out of my way to approach people who are unapproachable. Some of that I do believe I need to work on b/c I can be a VERY unapproachable person, but for the most part you can tell when people could really care less what you have to say or think.

You can’t make everyone happy, and if you try you will die trying. The one who means the most is the one I need to be concerned with, and that one is God.

Micah 6:8
And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.