Struggling

There are moments when my strength seems to leave me. There are times when I feel as if I am drowning, and there is no one throwing in the life preserver. As I drove home from class tonight, actually as I sat through both of my classes I had an overwhelming sense of despair. It is the first time I have felt it since all of this has happened with my nephew.

I knew I was beginning to be crazy woman, but I thought it was because although I am on vacation and I have to have a scheduled itinerary now to get all things accomplished with a toddler in tow. Two weeks ago I could do nothing but think about spending the week unpacking, lounging, and just hanging out with my kids. Now I have to figure out how to be able to work, go to class, and now find child care when my children have been out of that for a couple of years.

I chose this, and I don’t for one second regret my decision, but I also know that others either don’t support it or look at my stress and say “well it was your choice” That is all well and good, but I know I am allowed to feel crazy, and frustrated. I will say it again, life is messy or at least mine is and I accept that. I don’t back down to a challenge especially when children are involved. If that makes me insane, than I guess I am.

I am not trying to be a martyr; I am trying to do what is right. I guess in some ways I am trying to right a wrong done 24 years ago by people who weren’t willing to roll up their sleeves, and deal with a few bumps in the road and change a life. Most would say i could not change a thing, you are DEAD wrong you can. Please if you even bother reading my blogs pray for children everywhere that don’t have anyone to hold them, feed them and let them know it will all be okay. And if you see it, and you know with all your gut what it is…DO something about it. DON’T ignore it. You can make a difference. Look your children in the eyes, and know that innocence. They didn’t choose their parents…

I am trusting that God will walk me though this. He always has. My life is in His hands.

James 1:5-6
If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.