Luke 17:9-10 9Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? 10So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.' "
Well, I should be studying for my finals, doing laundry, working on my book…etc! But I needed to blog…my release and reflection on what God has shown me today.
Me and Andrew had the opportunity to fill in for a couple that usually serve at the Rescue Mission once a month to serve meals. With how hectic life has been, I somewhat faltered when Andrew brought it up, but then I quickly realized that is another opportunity to serve others and show them Christ.
What an unbelievably humbling experience that was. I tried very hard not to show pity, b/c they still need to feel they have self worth. I won’t say it was easy. It broke my heart, but also was a reality check on how many things we all take for granted every day. Driving to the grocery, actually having money to BUY groceries. And how many times do I pull into the gas station just for a fountain pop? So much waste.
I also was able to see what not being able to break cycles, and chains of addiction can do if unresolved. When we feel alone it is easy to turn inward, but we must let our prides go and reach out. That one took me a long time to figure out!
I want my children to experience what I did. It killed me to see young kids coming through there. Survivors. I get it; I was them at one time.
I encourage everyone to take a moment out of your life, and serve even if it is only that one time. It will help to humble you and put your life into a perspective that tends to get lost in the hustle and bustle of our busy lives.
Serving God
by
Max Lucado
On one side stands the crowd.
Jeering, baiting, demanding.
On the other stands a peasant.
Swollen lips. Lumpy eye. Lofty promise.
One promises acceptance,
The other a cross.
One offers flesh and flash,
The other offers faith.
The crowd challenges, “follow us and fit in.”
Jesus promises, “follow me and stand out.”
They promise to please.
God promises to save.
God looks at you and asks…
Which will be your choice?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Listen for it..
This week has carried so many different emotions and it is only Tuesday night! Within the last couple of days I have found out that Tre has to have his tonsils, adenoids taken out, and tubes in his ears. I also was informed the 2 day trial for termination of Tre and Aneesa’s mom and dad’s rights, just so happens to fall on December 22 & 23.
The anxiety kicked into overdrive yesterday. I have to be realistic and understand the system does not always do its job, and from what I have had to deal with…let us just say I am not impressed. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks; these kids could go back. What!? After everything, there is a chance? Why yes there is according to our wonderful court system.
As I sat in my room last night shooting off emails, I took a break and read some news on the web. In a matter of minutes I had read how a 2year old in southern Indiana tested positive for meth, and the case worker did NOT remove the child even after the POSITIVE test. The child died 2 weeks later at the hands of his mother for she hit him with a blunt forced object. This my friends is our system working at its finest.
I don’t know what is going to happen. Chelsey won’t even let me discuss it with her b/c she absolutely refuses to let go of the kids no matter what. This could devastate so many in one fail swoop. I am an obsessor and acknowledging that fact helps me to try and focus on not letting it overtake me completely.
Today after Andy got home, Aneesa was sitting on his lap, and I asked her if she knew her bible verse for this week. (she didn’t do so hot last weeks) and she proudly recited it for me verbatim. It was one of those moments you don’t always feel in the day to day grind, but I could only imagine how God was smiling down on her. Reciting His word. Praise God.
Ironically it took me till tonight to have that aha moment. I was reading a book, and it hit me. How appropriate her verse was for this week…I was stressing, struggling, trying to understand that somehow this will all work out, and the verse hit me “Luke 1:37 For nothing is impossible with God."
6 simple words, but words I needed to be reminded of.
The anxiety kicked into overdrive yesterday. I have to be realistic and understand the system does not always do its job, and from what I have had to deal with…let us just say I am not impressed. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks; these kids could go back. What!? After everything, there is a chance? Why yes there is according to our wonderful court system.
As I sat in my room last night shooting off emails, I took a break and read some news on the web. In a matter of minutes I had read how a 2year old in southern Indiana tested positive for meth, and the case worker did NOT remove the child even after the POSITIVE test. The child died 2 weeks later at the hands of his mother for she hit him with a blunt forced object. This my friends is our system working at its finest.
I don’t know what is going to happen. Chelsey won’t even let me discuss it with her b/c she absolutely refuses to let go of the kids no matter what. This could devastate so many in one fail swoop. I am an obsessor and acknowledging that fact helps me to try and focus on not letting it overtake me completely.
Today after Andy got home, Aneesa was sitting on his lap, and I asked her if she knew her bible verse for this week. (she didn’t do so hot last weeks) and she proudly recited it for me verbatim. It was one of those moments you don’t always feel in the day to day grind, but I could only imagine how God was smiling down on her. Reciting His word. Praise God.
Ironically it took me till tonight to have that aha moment. I was reading a book, and it hit me. How appropriate her verse was for this week…I was stressing, struggling, trying to understand that somehow this will all work out, and the verse hit me “Luke 1:37 For nothing is impossible with God."
6 simple words, but words I needed to be reminded of.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Patience is a virtue
How many times do I not react the way I should? How many times do I lose my temper, and say or do something that is so unbelievably unChristlike?
More times than I would like to admit. This last week has been one of the harder weeks in awhile. Trying to get back into a routine with the kids going back to school, finding out that I will have to go to school 3 nights a week this coming quarter(so I can graduate in the spring!!), and just the day to day that occurs in our family.
We are on our second kindergarten for Aneesa b/c of the behavioral issues that we continue to have with her due to the FAS, the post traumatic stress, and the anxiety disorders that she deals with day to day. The majority of the time I grab the bulls by the horn and don’t flinch, this week though I was ready to throw in the towel.
We got a call from the school almost every day, and by Friday by 9 in the morning, we had to pick her up. Just the basic skills that our children take for granted, she does not have. This is the first year of her life where structure, rules, and socialization have become her new way of life. At almost 6 years old, that is a reality that I know overwhelms her.
She became so out of control again, that my patience was gone. I couldn’t do it anymore. Once Andrew got home, I went upstairs to my room and just let the tears flow that had been in check for quite awhile. As a mother we just want to fix things for our kids, we want the best for them, and we want them to be happy and know they are loved. Well on all of those, I decided to give myself a beating on. I felt like I had failed everyone, and I was becoming wrapped in my negativity that I hadn’t seen in a longgg time.
Andrew came up, and said you know we have to take this one day at a time. No more, no less. I know this. I have lived by it for the last 2.5 years, but sometimes someone else has to point it out. I asked him how in the world God forgives us, has an abounding patience, and just doesn’t strangle us when we are clearly not doing His will? It is beyond my understanding. I just need to be faithful, trust Him, and pray.
So simple you say? Obviously not to the stubborn blonde typing on this computer. But by the grace of God I will have tomorrow to try and do it right again.
Psalm 19:14 (New International Version) 14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
More times than I would like to admit. This last week has been one of the harder weeks in awhile. Trying to get back into a routine with the kids going back to school, finding out that I will have to go to school 3 nights a week this coming quarter(so I can graduate in the spring!!), and just the day to day that occurs in our family.
We are on our second kindergarten for Aneesa b/c of the behavioral issues that we continue to have with her due to the FAS, the post traumatic stress, and the anxiety disorders that she deals with day to day. The majority of the time I grab the bulls by the horn and don’t flinch, this week though I was ready to throw in the towel.
We got a call from the school almost every day, and by Friday by 9 in the morning, we had to pick her up. Just the basic skills that our children take for granted, she does not have. This is the first year of her life where structure, rules, and socialization have become her new way of life. At almost 6 years old, that is a reality that I know overwhelms her.
She became so out of control again, that my patience was gone. I couldn’t do it anymore. Once Andrew got home, I went upstairs to my room and just let the tears flow that had been in check for quite awhile. As a mother we just want to fix things for our kids, we want the best for them, and we want them to be happy and know they are loved. Well on all of those, I decided to give myself a beating on. I felt like I had failed everyone, and I was becoming wrapped in my negativity that I hadn’t seen in a longgg time.
Andrew came up, and said you know we have to take this one day at a time. No more, no less. I know this. I have lived by it for the last 2.5 years, but sometimes someone else has to point it out. I asked him how in the world God forgives us, has an abounding patience, and just doesn’t strangle us when we are clearly not doing His will? It is beyond my understanding. I just need to be faithful, trust Him, and pray.
So simple you say? Obviously not to the stubborn blonde typing on this computer. But by the grace of God I will have tomorrow to try and do it right again.
Psalm 19:14 (New International Version) 14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Would you do it again?
Given the opportunity to do anything over again, knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice? There is a reason why we don’t know the future or end results of something until it is done. Some are lessons learned, and some given the opportunity to change our minds would affect so many in a domino effect. Our choices have an end result, whether it is positive or negative. We hold the power sometimes to either roll up our sleeves and feel a little discomfort, or we can stay in our comfort zone b/c change and sacrifice are “too hard.”
My grandma never would accept that excuse, and bless her heart she passed that little piece of knowledge onto me. If everything were easy where is the payoff in that? Easy is not always right, the hard way is not always right; so than how do we know what we are called to do? We tend to complicate the uncomplicated. Why is that? We justify our actions and decisions based on emotions or what “you” did to me or what “he/she” did to me. How many are tossed to the waste side b/c we don’t feel like diving in?
Is your family really that important? Do they know they are? Is God first, and if He is than do you follow His commands when it comes to being there for each brother and sister? Or are you too busy with “life?” Too busy trying to obtain those material things that at the end don’t matter anyway? Will you stand in front of our Lord and Savior and offer him your expensive home? Our fancy cars? Or our expansive lawns, perfectly manicured with that picket fence, and 2.5 dogs? Basketball games, baseball games, lessons of every kind and everything else we cram into our lives?
Am I being sarcastic, yes and no. These are real questions and thoughts to ponder. Do we want to? No, most will read some of this and walk away believing I am insane or on a soap box, well yes I am, and yes I am to both! We always will give it thought, and say you know what “I really do need to cut some of this out”, but we don’t. It is forgotten as quickly as it is thought about. How sad is that? Are we really that important? Do we really believe all this “stuff” will get us where we truly need to be?
The reason for my rant. Multiple reasons. Today I had to go listen to the results of Aneesa’s psychological evaluation, one of the many tests that has been done on her. As I sat there and listened to the doctor (of 20years experience) tell me that Aneesa's IQ is below average, that she is functioning at a 4yr old level, and that the child lives every day in constant fear because of what she has been through, and that because of the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (statistical average) her mentality will only reach 7-9yrs old. Even when she is 45! Do you have any idea how much my heart sank? That little girl has been robbed! Why? Choices. There is a 99.9% chance Trevon will be the same coupled with the effects of the autism.
Back to my original question, would I take these kids if I knew than what I know now? As I drove home so many things were running through my head, and that was a big question for me. What if Tre would have been a great football player, but can’t go anywhere with it b/c he will struggle to just understand daily life skills? What possibilities have been taken away from Aneesa? Where is the fairness in this? There are no platitudes that make this better, but what I did realize is God put our family in these children’s lives for a reason. I stand firm on His hope that given the love, stability, and nurturing these kids have a better chance to live “normal lives”. I also told myself to stop complaining about the discomfort of all the changes, and turn that complaining into rejoicing at the opportunity that lies before me in nuturing these kids through faith and love. ( i know "me not complain?" the earth may stop on its axis!!)
I embrace the hope that I have in God that through Him all things are possible. Again I don’t know what the future holds, but does that matter? No, these kids did NOTHING wrong. There is NO excuse that I am willing to listen to of why more people don’t get out there and help. Picture your child living in fear everyday with NOONE to turn to. Is the road going to be rough, definitely, but I have a great husband who has been my biggest supporter standing behind me ready and willing to fight this fight together. I have watched Andrew’s heart and mind change in the last year, and I can’t tell you how lucky I am that his mission is now the same as mine. Finally we are a team, and we can take our experience, strength and hope out to the battlefield and try to touch lives. Bring others and small children to Christ. Isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing in our lives anyhow?
Now as you go back to your life, as i know you will, my words will fade...just as most words do, but the truth remains the same. Live with that.
Ecclesiastes 4:11-13 (New International Version)
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
My grandma never would accept that excuse, and bless her heart she passed that little piece of knowledge onto me. If everything were easy where is the payoff in that? Easy is not always right, the hard way is not always right; so than how do we know what we are called to do? We tend to complicate the uncomplicated. Why is that? We justify our actions and decisions based on emotions or what “you” did to me or what “he/she” did to me. How many are tossed to the waste side b/c we don’t feel like diving in?
Is your family really that important? Do they know they are? Is God first, and if He is than do you follow His commands when it comes to being there for each brother and sister? Or are you too busy with “life?” Too busy trying to obtain those material things that at the end don’t matter anyway? Will you stand in front of our Lord and Savior and offer him your expensive home? Our fancy cars? Or our expansive lawns, perfectly manicured with that picket fence, and 2.5 dogs? Basketball games, baseball games, lessons of every kind and everything else we cram into our lives?
Am I being sarcastic, yes and no. These are real questions and thoughts to ponder. Do we want to? No, most will read some of this and walk away believing I am insane or on a soap box, well yes I am, and yes I am to both! We always will give it thought, and say you know what “I really do need to cut some of this out”, but we don’t. It is forgotten as quickly as it is thought about. How sad is that? Are we really that important? Do we really believe all this “stuff” will get us where we truly need to be?
The reason for my rant. Multiple reasons. Today I had to go listen to the results of Aneesa’s psychological evaluation, one of the many tests that has been done on her. As I sat there and listened to the doctor (of 20years experience) tell me that Aneesa's IQ is below average, that she is functioning at a 4yr old level, and that the child lives every day in constant fear because of what she has been through, and that because of the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (statistical average) her mentality will only reach 7-9yrs old. Even when she is 45! Do you have any idea how much my heart sank? That little girl has been robbed! Why? Choices. There is a 99.9% chance Trevon will be the same coupled with the effects of the autism.
Back to my original question, would I take these kids if I knew than what I know now? As I drove home so many things were running through my head, and that was a big question for me. What if Tre would have been a great football player, but can’t go anywhere with it b/c he will struggle to just understand daily life skills? What possibilities have been taken away from Aneesa? Where is the fairness in this? There are no platitudes that make this better, but what I did realize is God put our family in these children’s lives for a reason. I stand firm on His hope that given the love, stability, and nurturing these kids have a better chance to live “normal lives”. I also told myself to stop complaining about the discomfort of all the changes, and turn that complaining into rejoicing at the opportunity that lies before me in nuturing these kids through faith and love. ( i know "me not complain?" the earth may stop on its axis!!)
I embrace the hope that I have in God that through Him all things are possible. Again I don’t know what the future holds, but does that matter? No, these kids did NOTHING wrong. There is NO excuse that I am willing to listen to of why more people don’t get out there and help. Picture your child living in fear everyday with NOONE to turn to. Is the road going to be rough, definitely, but I have a great husband who has been my biggest supporter standing behind me ready and willing to fight this fight together. I have watched Andrew’s heart and mind change in the last year, and I can’t tell you how lucky I am that his mission is now the same as mine. Finally we are a team, and we can take our experience, strength and hope out to the battlefield and try to touch lives. Bring others and small children to Christ. Isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing in our lives anyhow?
Now as you go back to your life, as i know you will, my words will fade...just as most words do, but the truth remains the same. Live with that.
Ecclesiastes 4:11-13 (New International Version)
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Capturing your thoughts...
I thought this was very interesting. Great way to put things into perspective. So very true to us all...Hard truths, but real truths.
TAKE EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVEby Max Lucado
Today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions.Today's jealousy is tomorrow's temper tantrum. Today's bigotry is tomorrow's hate crime.Today's anger is tomorrow's abuse.Today's lust is tomorrow's adultery.Today's greed is tomorrow's embezzlement.Today's guilt is tomorrow's fear.
Could that be why Paul writes, "Love … keeps no record of wrongs" (1 Cor. 13:5 NIV)?Some folks don't know we have an option.Paul says we do: "We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5).What if you did that? What if you took every thought captive? What if you took the counsel of Solomon: "Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life" (Prov. 4:23).You are not a victim of your thoughts. You have a vote.
You have a voice. You can exercise thought prevention. Change the thoughts, and you change the person. If today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions, what happens when we fill our minds with thoughts of God's love? Will standing beneath the downpour of his grace change the way we feel about others?Paul says absolutely! It's not enough to keep the bad stuff out. We've got to let the good stuff in. It's not enough to keep no list of wrongs. We have to cultivate a list of blessings.
The same verb Paul uses for keeps in the phrase "keeps no list of wrongs" is used for think in Philippians 4:8: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (RSV). Thinking conveys the idea of pondering—studying and focusing, allowing what is viewed to have an impact on us.
Rather than store up the sour, store up the sweet.
TAKE EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVEby Max Lucado
Today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions.Today's jealousy is tomorrow's temper tantrum. Today's bigotry is tomorrow's hate crime.Today's anger is tomorrow's abuse.Today's lust is tomorrow's adultery.Today's greed is tomorrow's embezzlement.Today's guilt is tomorrow's fear.
Could that be why Paul writes, "Love … keeps no record of wrongs" (1 Cor. 13:5 NIV)?Some folks don't know we have an option.Paul says we do: "We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5).What if you did that? What if you took every thought captive? What if you took the counsel of Solomon: "Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life" (Prov. 4:23).You are not a victim of your thoughts. You have a vote.
You have a voice. You can exercise thought prevention. Change the thoughts, and you change the person. If today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions, what happens when we fill our minds with thoughts of God's love? Will standing beneath the downpour of his grace change the way we feel about others?Paul says absolutely! It's not enough to keep the bad stuff out. We've got to let the good stuff in. It's not enough to keep no list of wrongs. We have to cultivate a list of blessings.
The same verb Paul uses for keeps in the phrase "keeps no list of wrongs" is used for think in Philippians 4:8: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (RSV). Thinking conveys the idea of pondering—studying and focusing, allowing what is viewed to have an impact on us.
Rather than store up the sour, store up the sweet.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Refocusing...
Philippians 4:4-7 4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Rejoice in the Lord always…do I? No, and why is that b/c I am a selfish sinner who needs to constantly be redeemed by my Lord and Savior. I too often get so caught up in worldly things that I truly have no control over.
Let you gentleness be evident to all…gee big NO on that one too. I have been far from gentle lately. I am so frustrated; angry with the system that I have let it overrule any goodness and prayer I should be focusing on. I pray for a gentle heart.
Do not be anxious about anything…wow am I failing or what?! I am one big ball of anxious. Our lives are in limbo on many levels, and it is hard not to let the anxiety rule me and my actions. Is that a good excuse? Absolutely not. But in everything by prayer and petition. It sounds so simple, but my pride and own emotions sometimes become my road block to conversation with my Father.
Present your requests…all I want right now is to know that what I am doing is the right thing. I feel so stretched, but I should be focusing on what God has given me. As I read last night we are to live as a family of God. Being there for each other including the orphans and widows, and I just don’t see that happening. Our lives are going 20 different directions, and we collapse at night. I have nothing left to give at the end of the day. Are all these things that we have going on in our lives going to matter when it comes to the end? No.
Most do not think about their mortality often, except for maybe the older we get. I have really begun to think of my mortality. My husband’s friend just lost his mother to cancer. She was only in her 50’s, and was a God serving, non-smoking, no drugs woman, but our Father took her home. When I think of my life ending before my children are married, and have kids it almost makes me crazy. Is my heart right? Have I lived for the Lord? Will Jesus be there ready to greet me?
One thing that I did realize while reading was the phrase “saturate yourself in God’s word”. I need saturated in His word, b/c that is the only way I will know what He wants me to do. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Rejoice in the Lord always…do I? No, and why is that b/c I am a selfish sinner who needs to constantly be redeemed by my Lord and Savior. I too often get so caught up in worldly things that I truly have no control over.
Let you gentleness be evident to all…gee big NO on that one too. I have been far from gentle lately. I am so frustrated; angry with the system that I have let it overrule any goodness and prayer I should be focusing on. I pray for a gentle heart.
Do not be anxious about anything…wow am I failing or what?! I am one big ball of anxious. Our lives are in limbo on many levels, and it is hard not to let the anxiety rule me and my actions. Is that a good excuse? Absolutely not. But in everything by prayer and petition. It sounds so simple, but my pride and own emotions sometimes become my road block to conversation with my Father.
Present your requests…all I want right now is to know that what I am doing is the right thing. I feel so stretched, but I should be focusing on what God has given me. As I read last night we are to live as a family of God. Being there for each other including the orphans and widows, and I just don’t see that happening. Our lives are going 20 different directions, and we collapse at night. I have nothing left to give at the end of the day. Are all these things that we have going on in our lives going to matter when it comes to the end? No.
Most do not think about their mortality often, except for maybe the older we get. I have really begun to think of my mortality. My husband’s friend just lost his mother to cancer. She was only in her 50’s, and was a God serving, non-smoking, no drugs woman, but our Father took her home. When I think of my life ending before my children are married, and have kids it almost makes me crazy. Is my heart right? Have I lived for the Lord? Will Jesus be there ready to greet me?
One thing that I did realize while reading was the phrase “saturate yourself in God’s word”. I need saturated in His word, b/c that is the only way I will know what He wants me to do. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
journey
Life is a journey. Sometimes that journey is so difficult you are not quite sure you are going to make it through. Sometimes you slip off the road into a ditch, and just hope and pray someone comes by to help you out…occasionally they will, and occasionally they won’t. That is where faith comes in…trusting that the Lord will get you through no matter how impossible the road may seem.
Why am I contemplating this? I sometimes have to step back and look at where I am where I am going and determine if I am down in that ditch again. One would think you would just know, but sometimes being isolated and hopeless is easier than actually doing anything about it without someone holding your hand.
My little Chelsey got her permit to drive on Tuesday. I am going through the emotions that involves. Scared, anxious, sad, and excited for her. I feel like just yesterday we were in the hospital and she was so proud of her painted toenails! Now, my baby is going to be driving…Time just fly’s by, and I can’t help but think did I teach her enough, love her enough to set her free? All my screw ups, will that hinder her?
I don’t have answers to those questions except I have done the best I could with the tools I had, which were few! I am very grateful I get to share this with her, b/c I had no one to share it with or be excited with when I was her age.
This journey of my life has been a long one. Sometimes I get it, and other times I just can’t wrap my mind around all I have endured. As I slowly sift through the truths and ashes of my childhood it is very easy to sink into a pit of despair. Questions arise…how could they, why did they, why didn’t they? Overwhelming since of disgust and anger is what I am trying to work through right now. It is very difficult…
My niece, who is still living with us, just recently had an array of genetic testing done on her. When I went in to get the results I was relieved that she didn’t have anything life threatening, but devastated to find out she has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Now I must get my nephew tested as well. Those questions come back...how could she, why did she…
I have really been analyzing much of my life. It amazes me, scares me, confuses me…and so on. I am definitely at a place of riding the fence. Not sure why, but all I can think is that my walls are my defense mechanisms b/c of so much happening in a short amount of time. I am not relying on Him, but on me. That is a problem, and I am struggling with it.
“Do not dismiss your dreams.To be without dreams is to be without hope.To be without hope is to be without purpose.Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.”
Why am I contemplating this? I sometimes have to step back and look at where I am where I am going and determine if I am down in that ditch again. One would think you would just know, but sometimes being isolated and hopeless is easier than actually doing anything about it without someone holding your hand.
My little Chelsey got her permit to drive on Tuesday. I am going through the emotions that involves. Scared, anxious, sad, and excited for her. I feel like just yesterday we were in the hospital and she was so proud of her painted toenails! Now, my baby is going to be driving…Time just fly’s by, and I can’t help but think did I teach her enough, love her enough to set her free? All my screw ups, will that hinder her?
I don’t have answers to those questions except I have done the best I could with the tools I had, which were few! I am very grateful I get to share this with her, b/c I had no one to share it with or be excited with when I was her age.
This journey of my life has been a long one. Sometimes I get it, and other times I just can’t wrap my mind around all I have endured. As I slowly sift through the truths and ashes of my childhood it is very easy to sink into a pit of despair. Questions arise…how could they, why did they, why didn’t they? Overwhelming since of disgust and anger is what I am trying to work through right now. It is very difficult…
My niece, who is still living with us, just recently had an array of genetic testing done on her. When I went in to get the results I was relieved that she didn’t have anything life threatening, but devastated to find out she has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Now I must get my nephew tested as well. Those questions come back...how could she, why did she…
I have really been analyzing much of my life. It amazes me, scares me, confuses me…and so on. I am definitely at a place of riding the fence. Not sure why, but all I can think is that my walls are my defense mechanisms b/c of so much happening in a short amount of time. I am not relying on Him, but on me. That is a problem, and I am struggling with it.
“Do not dismiss your dreams.To be without dreams is to be without hope.To be without hope is to be without purpose.Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.”
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
What powerful lyrics, did she watch my childhood?
Concrete Angel by Martina McBride-
she walks to school with a lunch she packed
nobody knows what she's holding back wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
she hides the bruises with the linen and lace the teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
it's hard to see the pain behind the mask
bearing the burden of a secret stormsometimes she wishes she was never born
CHORUS: through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above but her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved
concrete angel somebody cries in the middle of the night
the neighbors hear but they turn out the light
a fragile soul caught in the hands of fate when morning comes it'll be too late
a statue stands in a shaded place an angel girl with an upturned face
a name is written on a polished rock a broken heart that the world forgot
she walks to school with a lunch she packed
nobody knows what she's holding back wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
she hides the bruises with the linen and lace the teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
it's hard to see the pain behind the mask
bearing the burden of a secret stormsometimes she wishes she was never born
CHORUS: through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above but her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved
concrete angel somebody cries in the middle of the night
the neighbors hear but they turn out the light
a fragile soul caught in the hands of fate when morning comes it'll be too late
a statue stands in a shaded place an angel girl with an upturned face
a name is written on a polished rock a broken heart that the world forgot
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Letting it all go...
"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.”How do I get to my safe place? Today was a day I indeed do not want repeated. I want to scream at the top of my lungs “why do I see what you cannot!!!”
The system is so aggravating, unleveled to say the least, but overall there to protect the wrong people. It seems now that I know what I know about my parents everything takes on a new light. I am so angry that they are not sharing this burden with me. It is hard b/c I have to be careful when riding the fine line of resentment. It can put me in an ugly place.
I still am struggling to get back in step with the Lord. I find that when I feel the most vulnerable is when I pull up anchor, and close up inside from everyone. That is my safe place. Is it really safe? No, b/c it alienates me from everyone including my Lord and Savior. The difference is I know that now, but it doesn’t make it easier!
I don’t know what is going to happen in the coming months, but I hope and pray I let go of these reigns b/c they are dragging me down, but I can’t seem to let go. I want all the answers, but I know that is so unrealistic.
Today my baby boy turned 14. I can’t even believe it. I feel very blessed with my children, and I got 2 phone calls today that were beyond frustrating. I just don’t get it. Letting go…why is it so hard?
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Information Overload
Proverbs 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. By following God's word we can raise children who avoid evil and serve God faithfully.
I have recently been able to obtain all of the files, with countless information, on my parents from 25 years ago. I believed that in order for me to move on I had to fill in the missing pieces to the puzzle called my life.
Now that I know, I am just numb. I don’t know what to feel or think. I am disappointed, hurt, angry, and just numb. I have to disassociate myself from it or I will spiral into an abyss. Who were these people? Why did they not love me?
I must move on. I have to absorb this information little by little, and figure out how to forgive. If I don’t, it will poison me. I have been forgiven for so much, and out of all this I realize how unbelievable the hand of God truly is. He was there…I know He was. Watching over me, and knowing He was not through with me yet. I still struggle though…your parents are supposed to protect and love you, not try and destroy you.
I was at my in-laws this evening, and God love my father in law Jim. He said above all else love Jesus…anyone that knows what Jim has gone through in the last year and half can only appreciate that, and say halleluiah. Amazing…
Though this is hard, it makes me love my children all the more, and motivates me to get my story out there and educate people on the importance of doing your part to be a voice for an innocent child.
I have recently been able to obtain all of the files, with countless information, on my parents from 25 years ago. I believed that in order for me to move on I had to fill in the missing pieces to the puzzle called my life.
Now that I know, I am just numb. I don’t know what to feel or think. I am disappointed, hurt, angry, and just numb. I have to disassociate myself from it or I will spiral into an abyss. Who were these people? Why did they not love me?
I must move on. I have to absorb this information little by little, and figure out how to forgive. If I don’t, it will poison me. I have been forgiven for so much, and out of all this I realize how unbelievable the hand of God truly is. He was there…I know He was. Watching over me, and knowing He was not through with me yet. I still struggle though…your parents are supposed to protect and love you, not try and destroy you.
I was at my in-laws this evening, and God love my father in law Jim. He said above all else love Jesus…anyone that knows what Jim has gone through in the last year and half can only appreciate that, and say halleluiah. Amazing…
Though this is hard, it makes me love my children all the more, and motivates me to get my story out there and educate people on the importance of doing your part to be a voice for an innocent child.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Decisions
I have said this before, “be careful what you wish for”. Right now I have in front of me what I thought, initially, was an awesome chance to share my life, my testimony, and my faith to those that need hope. Life isn’t always that cut and dry…I am trying to figure out what decision I should make without “selling” myself out.
My life and what has happened is an important part of who I am. While I am willing to share this, I am not sure I want to hand it over to someone to depict or spin the way they “see” it.
I just needed to spill that out…do I know how this is going to go? No, but I know that God willing I will make the decision that will glorify Him.
I know this blog is vague, but if you are reading say a quick prayer to the Lord to give me direction and guidance with the decisions that lie before me.
For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.-- Alfred D. Souza
My life and what has happened is an important part of who I am. While I am willing to share this, I am not sure I want to hand it over to someone to depict or spin the way they “see” it.
I just needed to spill that out…do I know how this is going to go? No, but I know that God willing I will make the decision that will glorify Him.
I know this blog is vague, but if you are reading say a quick prayer to the Lord to give me direction and guidance with the decisions that lie before me.
For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.-- Alfred D. Souza
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Rest in Him
Lyrics by Jaci Velasquez...powerful song for me at this season of my life.
Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;
Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,You're right where You have always been.
Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.I will rest in You,I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.Tell me I'm a fool,Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
[And*] comfort me like only You can,And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.
Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,I will rest in You.
Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;
Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,You're right where You have always been.
Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.I will rest in You,I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.Tell me I'm a fool,Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
[And*] comfort me like only You can,And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.
Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,I will rest in You.
Monday, April 28, 2008
life passing by
Deuteronomy 31:6 (New International Version)
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
It has been a long time since I last posted, but life has not slowed down even a bit. We have more life changing issues going on in our lives right now, but what is ever new?
I again feel like I have lost my path with God. I have been so caught up in trying to fight the system, but the system keeps pushing me back and down, which is beginning to take its toll. I feel so defeated and want to give up, but I know that isn’t an option.
Every one in the family is struggling right now, and the strain of the last year has worn on all of us. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t always produce the fruit until much later.
Why is it so easy to fall off track? I feel so anxious and disengaged with life. I hate feeling this way, but I have been overwhelmed in so many areas and not talking with God. My journaling and reading have dwindled, and I can see the results.
He is there I just keeping ignoring Him. I am just very down on myself b/c it seems like everyone in my life is not happy for one reason or another.
Lord help me…
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
It has been a long time since I last posted, but life has not slowed down even a bit. We have more life changing issues going on in our lives right now, but what is ever new?
I again feel like I have lost my path with God. I have been so caught up in trying to fight the system, but the system keeps pushing me back and down, which is beginning to take its toll. I feel so defeated and want to give up, but I know that isn’t an option.
Every one in the family is struggling right now, and the strain of the last year has worn on all of us. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t always produce the fruit until much later.
Why is it so easy to fall off track? I feel so anxious and disengaged with life. I hate feeling this way, but I have been overwhelmed in so many areas and not talking with God. My journaling and reading have dwindled, and I can see the results.
He is there I just keeping ignoring Him. I am just very down on myself b/c it seems like everyone in my life is not happy for one reason or another.
Lord help me…
Friday, March 7, 2008
The time is NOW
"Is child abuse a crime? This child's identity is protected because the courts may return the girl to her father, who beat her so severely she suffered brain damage"
This is so sickening, and soo unacceptable. My research paper for my COM class is, go figure, child abuse and neglect, and I cannot even express the disturbing numbers and cases I have come across. This is an epidemic, and WE all need to step up to the plate. NO child deserves this. NOT ONE!
I plead with each of you, these kids are innocent, and though it may make you sad, it should make you mad as hell! We need to come together to fight legislation, and make the parents be held accountable to the utmost extreme in these horrendous cases like the one above. How in the world could you contemplate giving this child back to its parents? It is like handing your child over to the devil...
God is my rock. He brought me through the abuse i endured. Now I am His warrior on a crusade...well it is just around my room right now, but it will become a movement. I know it...
I will not sit back and keep my mouth shut, and for those that know me, know that is the truth!
We are to help the children and widows...we are called to do it!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
It is March already?!!
We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - E. M. Forester
It has been quite awhile since I have posted last. Lots going on with all the kids, school and a new job.
The last two months have been some of the hardest times I have had to deal with in awhile. My niece is really struggling right now. We had to hospitalize her, and I spend much of my week’s b/t therapists and psychiatrists for her. My nephew has been non-stop sick, and I think I have had him at the doctor almost every week! It has taken a toll on all of us.
I really thought my life was going one direction, and I am trying to patiently understand what the Lord is trying to direct me to do now. I do know that one fire that has been ignited is the attitude I have towards our current child welfare system. Not enough is being done. Kids are dying everyday. That is unacceptable. Once we get through this season I am bound and determined to push for legislation changes.
I totaled my van almost a month ago. I have never been so scared in my life. I literally saw my life flash before my eyes. I had the younger two with me, and all I could think of when I saw that we were going to hit the telephone pole, was dear God please let me take all the impact, and not the kids. And sure enough, I did! I was pinned in my van for what seems like forever. The kids didn’t have one scratch! Thank the Lord up above.
That night I thought to myself how quickly your life can change in an instant again. I asked myself, if I hadn’t made it, have I said and done all the things I should have or could have before I leave this earth? Does all this small stuff really matter in the grander scheme of things?
I am trying to focus on the road ahead, and His way for my life. I have been sidetracked with so much going on in the last few months that I feel detached b/c I stopped cultivating my relationship with Him daily. Time to reassess and get back on track!
It has been quite awhile since I have posted last. Lots going on with all the kids, school and a new job.
The last two months have been some of the hardest times I have had to deal with in awhile. My niece is really struggling right now. We had to hospitalize her, and I spend much of my week’s b/t therapists and psychiatrists for her. My nephew has been non-stop sick, and I think I have had him at the doctor almost every week! It has taken a toll on all of us.
I really thought my life was going one direction, and I am trying to patiently understand what the Lord is trying to direct me to do now. I do know that one fire that has been ignited is the attitude I have towards our current child welfare system. Not enough is being done. Kids are dying everyday. That is unacceptable. Once we get through this season I am bound and determined to push for legislation changes.
I totaled my van almost a month ago. I have never been so scared in my life. I literally saw my life flash before my eyes. I had the younger two with me, and all I could think of when I saw that we were going to hit the telephone pole, was dear God please let me take all the impact, and not the kids. And sure enough, I did! I was pinned in my van for what seems like forever. The kids didn’t have one scratch! Thank the Lord up above.
That night I thought to myself how quickly your life can change in an instant again. I asked myself, if I hadn’t made it, have I said and done all the things I should have or could have before I leave this earth? Does all this small stuff really matter in the grander scheme of things?
I am trying to focus on the road ahead, and His way for my life. I have been sidetracked with so much going on in the last few months that I feel detached b/c I stopped cultivating my relationship with Him daily. Time to reassess and get back on track!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Redemption
Every breath we take, every time our heart beats, everyday that the sun rises, every moment we see with our eyes or hear with our ears or speak with our mouths or walk with our legs is, for now, a free undeserved gift to sinners who deserve judgment. (Don’t Waste Your Life-John Piper)
The grander scheme of things…how many times have I heard that? None of us know what the grander scheme of things is, but we try very hard to wrap our minds around, analyze it, and however else we can make sense of what happens day to day.
I have realized that in the last two days I have seen more senseless deaths in the news than I can count. It is depressing. There are these moments, I as a Christian, get the questions “why is God allowing this to happen?” I wish I knew. I do know that we all fall short, and the price we pay is living in this sin filled world, but what I do know is that He is still in control no matter what occurs. Is it sometimes hard to feel that? Yes, I say that emphatically. Of all people who understand it the most, I believe I do.
We all have gifts to share with one another, and no it may not make the news, but it is there. Sometimes I feel like God isn’t hearing me, but I know it is me who isn’t listening. And I also know that sometimes I just don’t want to hear what He has to say b/c I want it to work out the way I believe it should.
I recently revisited the book of Job. By no stretch of the imagination have I been through what he had, but I understand his inner battle. That book helps me to know it is okay not to understand, not to always agree, but in the end do not sin against the Lord. We are all redeemed through His grace.
That is something that has been coming to my mind more so lately. Redemption. We all have the ability to be redeemed, but it is still our will and pride that can prevent us from that happening. I have been redeemed over and over again. For that I am so grateful, and I will do my best to try and rear all these children that have been given to me, in this very ugly world we live in right now. My prayer for them is not to get entangled in satan’s snare, b/c again out of anyone I definitely have been caught in that snare more than I would like to admit. But thank God for….Redemption!
Psalm 130:7
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
The grander scheme of things…how many times have I heard that? None of us know what the grander scheme of things is, but we try very hard to wrap our minds around, analyze it, and however else we can make sense of what happens day to day.
I have realized that in the last two days I have seen more senseless deaths in the news than I can count. It is depressing. There are these moments, I as a Christian, get the questions “why is God allowing this to happen?” I wish I knew. I do know that we all fall short, and the price we pay is living in this sin filled world, but what I do know is that He is still in control no matter what occurs. Is it sometimes hard to feel that? Yes, I say that emphatically. Of all people who understand it the most, I believe I do.
We all have gifts to share with one another, and no it may not make the news, but it is there. Sometimes I feel like God isn’t hearing me, but I know it is me who isn’t listening. And I also know that sometimes I just don’t want to hear what He has to say b/c I want it to work out the way I believe it should.
I recently revisited the book of Job. By no stretch of the imagination have I been through what he had, but I understand his inner battle. That book helps me to know it is okay not to understand, not to always agree, but in the end do not sin against the Lord. We are all redeemed through His grace.
That is something that has been coming to my mind more so lately. Redemption. We all have the ability to be redeemed, but it is still our will and pride that can prevent us from that happening. I have been redeemed over and over again. For that I am so grateful, and I will do my best to try and rear all these children that have been given to me, in this very ugly world we live in right now. My prayer for them is not to get entangled in satan’s snare, b/c again out of anyone I definitely have been caught in that snare more than I would like to admit. But thank God for….Redemption!
Psalm 130:7
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Purpose
Lamentations 3:24-29
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope.
There are few things that tend to surprise me, but when I get to that point God puts something in my life that says do not question His ways. Again I have to repeat to myself, thy will be done, not my own.
The last month and half has been insane, which is nothing new, but with it has come some trials that I would have never imagined.
I have been wrestling with a question that I just didn’t really know where it was taking me. I kept asking myself “why am I here?” To think about all the things we wrap ourselves in, jobs, kids, family, money etc, while some of those things can be fulfilling, where does God come in at?
I got a book that I heard about during a church sermon a few weeks ago. The book was by John Piper, titled “Don’t waste your life”. It was that light bulb moment when the Holy Spirit moves you. I am only at the beginning, but he reinterates over and over that we are here to glorify God in ALL we do. Eating, sleeping, working, you know where I am going with that. I began to look at my days like that, and let me tell you it was hard!
Not hard to glorify Him, but hard to glorify Him in the eye of the storms, the screaming kids, bill collectors, etc… But it did help me to redirect, and reassess what I might say and do given those situations.
Can I say I am cured, and I am so full of purpose that I can’t stand it? No, I have to work on it daily. If I just got it, then why would I even need God? I am okay with being a work in progress. I know the Lord has “got my back!”
I try to think of all the things that God has given me…some days are harder than others, but you know what if I can only be thankful for the air I breathe, I will thank him for that and move on.
God is good all the time, but we are not!
"We love Him because He first loved us."1 John 4:9-10
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope.
There are few things that tend to surprise me, but when I get to that point God puts something in my life that says do not question His ways. Again I have to repeat to myself, thy will be done, not my own.
The last month and half has been insane, which is nothing new, but with it has come some trials that I would have never imagined.
I have been wrestling with a question that I just didn’t really know where it was taking me. I kept asking myself “why am I here?” To think about all the things we wrap ourselves in, jobs, kids, family, money etc, while some of those things can be fulfilling, where does God come in at?
I got a book that I heard about during a church sermon a few weeks ago. The book was by John Piper, titled “Don’t waste your life”. It was that light bulb moment when the Holy Spirit moves you. I am only at the beginning, but he reinterates over and over that we are here to glorify God in ALL we do. Eating, sleeping, working, you know where I am going with that. I began to look at my days like that, and let me tell you it was hard!
Not hard to glorify Him, but hard to glorify Him in the eye of the storms, the screaming kids, bill collectors, etc… But it did help me to redirect, and reassess what I might say and do given those situations.
Can I say I am cured, and I am so full of purpose that I can’t stand it? No, I have to work on it daily. If I just got it, then why would I even need God? I am okay with being a work in progress. I know the Lord has “got my back!”
I try to think of all the things that God has given me…some days are harder than others, but you know what if I can only be thankful for the air I breathe, I will thank him for that and move on.
God is good all the time, but we are not!
"We love Him because He first loved us."1 John 4:9-10
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