We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 8-9
As I read tonight, this verse stood out to me. I believe since being saved the Holy Spirit convicts me. My heart is not always there, my mind is not always open, but if I give Him a chance He is talking to me. Even when I am not He finds a way to get my attention!
I actually had a pretty good weekend, but there is a underlying gnawing feeling that I can't quite shake. I have some ideas of what is weighing heavy on my heart, but until I stop and listen I will not be able to move forward.
My children are my life, and I know now that making sure that they grow up as children after God's own heart is much of job of mine. I remember reading in Job a verse that flipped my thinking, but also provided insight to me. He prayed for forgiveness of his childrens sins. That had never even entered my mind before. I found that profound to ask for forgiveness for a sin that I had not committed, but that showed me that Job loved his children enough to take them to God with whatever he was dealing with in the context of his childrens sins as well.
I would be a fool if I wasn't honest and said somedays i feel like i have failed terribly with my kids. I know on the outside people would say I am too hard on myself, but in some ways I know my children are paying for my sins of the past as I have paid and sometimes continue to pay for my parents sins. It can get overwhelming if I over analyze, which I do alot, but i also know ignoring it or saying it won't be my problem in a few years...well really is just not an option for me.
I monitor (or try) pretty much all that would potentially fill my childrens heads. From music, TV, books to people I try to make sure that they don't have volumes of negative or suggestive things going in at a rapid pace, but unfortuantely as I am sure we all can relate, when you have teenagers who believe they know it all, and we are just overly anal, than we begin to see a dissension in the ranks for a lack of a better term.
I feel sometimes I enable, overprotect and so on b/c I truly don't want them to make the same choices I did. But I also know that b/c of the lack of protection and love I didn't get, I tend to pour it out on my children in some way trying to make up for what I didn't have. Unfortunately that usually tends to backfire. I see adults in their late 20's, early 30's with parents still bailing them out, making excuses, and taking responsiblity that is not theirs to take. Awww where is the happy middle??!
I know that we all go through this, and all things always work themselves out, but I am worried, scared, and that hurts to say it, but I am. I have really good kids don't get me wrong, but am I raising kids that will be perpetually afraid and untrusting to the outside world? Somedays I know that is yes, and that is a direct reflection of my own thinking. No matter what anyone says our kids watch, immitate, and soak up all that we are and do. There is many occasions that I see that and smile, and there are others where I just want to curl up and cry.
I have to be able to let go some of that trying to control b/c if I don't they will be hindered as they grow. A work in progress as I always say...
Rambling again.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (NIV)
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
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3 comments:
God is so gracious to us. One particular way I have observed this is in noticing that when parents earnestly seek to raise their kids in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, in many ways He fills in the gaps that our own faults leave behind.
Of course, He doesn't wipe away the natural consequences of what we go through, and of how we influence our kids (for good and bad), but He does mitigate the effects and shepherd our kids just as closely as He has watched over us.
We have a Father who loves us perfectly. And he is also Father to our children!
Keep on blogging!
Yes, we are a product of our own upbringing(scary, huh.)We tend to think our own intake of how we were raised, good or bad, is correct and normal, at least most of the time. It's somewhat of an awakening when we discover we may have some gaps in parenting. But we all do. Nate is so right. We serve a gracious God who fills in the gaps when we yearn to please him. Getting to know Him and learn of his character gives us the wisdom and muscle to put behind our parenting.
That being said, God still gives each of us the right to choose and make our own mistakes, even with perfect parenting(there is no such thing). Take heart, April. Kids our more apt to read between the lines and size up your heart over your past. They naturally want to love and believe in you. Your kids know your fight to come thru some pretty insurmountable odds. It's usually the hard things in life that build good character if backed by love and God's word. Your heart and walk to live for Him will prevail over the junk. Don't look back, except to learn.
So, aren't I brave to write this being you are married to my son. Should I eat my words?
Nate-you definitely said it best when you said we have a Father that loves us perfectly! Thank you so much for your input and thoughts :)
Sue-
as always...thanks!
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