As I wake up to a new day I think to myself what does this day hold? Mostly it is the same routine. Shower, get ready for work, listen and referee the kids fighting before school, rushing out the door hoping I didn’t forget to shut off the flat iron, do the kids have their lunches..etc. As I drive my 25 min drive to my job many days I just stare out the window at the other cars wondering how their morning started out, where are they going and what is God thinking about us rushing around to the next thing?
The last two years have been a roller coaster with jobs, family and just trying to live each day doing the next right thing. I have battled everyday of my life just to have stability, and that is the one thing that constantly evades me. I have gotten better about putting many things into God’s hands, but I struggle immensely still much of the time.
With the husband getting a stable job I really thought everything else would just fall into line…again God had another plan for me. I decided yet again to try and go back to school for the 4th time. I really thought/think that I studied very hard in high school, and want to take my life and career in the direction of being able to use the skills and all of the mistakes and lessons to help others. I love the job I do now, and love the people I work with, but I have that constant tug of knowing this can’t be all I do for the rest of my life. Is that wrong?
I have taken the steps to put that dream in motion, and no more does the ink dry on my college application than we have the decision to make that we are going to lose our home no matter how we slice it. Even though there is income coming in we fell in a deep hole that the only way to fix that is to downsize. We also have the task of trying to keep our children in the private school that I feel is imperative to their futures, but because of the horrendous financial place we were for over 8 months, that now the decision is left in the hands of someone who only sees the bottom line…MONEY. Why…oh how I am struggling with all of this. Tooo much change and fears of the unknown.
We want to do what is best for our family, but that is going to be a lot of growing pains and change again. It is so hard to look at your kids and feel like you haven’t failed them. I know in the grand scheme of things that is not true, but tell my heart that when I see those tears streaming down my child’s face.
Have I lost sight of what is truly important? I just know that we spend 99% of our time trying to figure out how we are going to make it the next day. I feel myself, more so than not lately, feeling like I am sinking into a vacuum of despair wondering when are we ever going to have at least a month where we are not making life altering decisions. Or is this the way it is supposed to be? I know we can’t be the only ones, but honestly I haven’t found any other couples who are willing to admit to it.
Within the next week I take my daughter back for her blood work to see if the numbers have come down, and I can’t help but not wanting to run away…the direction things are going my fears are exacerbated. I know that what ever God has in store for us will be, and I know He has it all worked out…I just need to trust Him. I am trying…
2 comments:
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! I feel your pain, it seems as if normalcy is a commodity unavailable to myself and our family. Make it through the day.....I can barely make it out of bed without feeling the ever present fear that a new dawn brings nothing more than pain and hardship. My dreams are so small and so insignificant that to say them outloud would seem ludacris....shhhhh here it comes....I want a normal life. (whisper)
Oh I am with you...if only normal. But than again...what is our definition of normal!!?? Thanks for sharing..i know we are not alone :)
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