More to this life? (sorry long)

Random thoughts and real questions… The last few weeks I have thought time and time again there has got to be more to this life. Every time that crosses my mind I think of the song by Steven Curtis Chapman…there has got to be more to this life than living and dying, and more than just trying to make it through the day.

As I wake up to a new day I think to myself what does this day hold? Mostly it is the same routine. Shower, get ready for work, listen and referee the kids fighting before school, rushing out the door hoping I didn’t forget to shut off the flat iron, do the kids have their lunches..etc. As I drive my 25 min drive to my job many days I just stare out the window at the other cars wondering how their morning started out, where are they going and what is God thinking about us rushing around to the next thing?

The last two years have been a roller coaster with jobs, family and just trying to live each day doing the next right thing. I have battled everyday of my life just to have stability, and that is the one thing that constantly evades me. I have gotten better about putting many things into God’s hands, but I struggle immensely still much of the time.

With the husband getting a stable job I really thought everything else would just fall into line…again God had another plan for me. I decided yet again to try and go back to school for the 4th time. I really thought/think that I studied very hard in high school, and want to take my life and career in the direction of being able to use the skills and all of the mistakes and lessons to help others. I love the job I do now, and love the people I work with, but I have that constant tug of knowing this can’t be all I do for the rest of my life. Is that wrong?

I have taken the steps to put that dream in motion, and no more does the ink dry on my college application than we have the decision to make that we are going to lose our home no matter how we slice it. Even though there is income coming in we fell in a deep hole that the only way to fix that is to downsize. We also have the task of trying to keep our children in the private school that I feel is imperative to their futures, but because of the horrendous financial place we were for over 8 months, that now the decision is left in the hands of someone who only sees the bottom line…MONEY. Why…oh how I am struggling with all of this. Tooo much change and fears of the unknown.

We want to do what is best for our family, but that is going to be a lot of growing pains and change again. It is so hard to look at your kids and feel like you haven’t failed them. I know in the grand scheme of things that is not true, but tell my heart that when I see those tears streaming down my child’s face.

Have I lost sight of what is truly important? I just know that we spend 99% of our time trying to figure out how we are going to make it the next day. I feel myself, more so than not lately, feeling like I am sinking into a vacuum of despair wondering when are we ever going to have at least a month where we are not making life altering decisions. Or is this the way it is supposed to be? I know we can’t be the only ones, but honestly I haven’t found any other couples who are willing to admit to it.

Within the next week I take my daughter back for her blood work to see if the numbers have come down, and I can’t help but not wanting to run away…the direction things are going my fears are exacerbated. I know that what ever God has in store for us will be, and I know He has it all worked out…I just need to trust Him. I am trying…

Family? Huh?

Family? What makes a family a family? Blood? Born into? This has been something that I have been mulling over for about a week and a half. Obviously things have occurred to bring it to the forth front of my mind.

From my blogs and if you know me I know that most of you know how very dysfunctional my childhood was, and I grew up with my maternal grandparents, and aunts and uncles that were more like siblings b/c of our ages.

But now 2o some odd years later, both my grandma and grandpa are gone (the ones that raised me), one sister is in Nevada, one is in Decatur, and the brother is incarcerated. Aunts, Uncles, and cousins (maternal) cease to exist. They are really still living, but not involved in mine or my children’s lives. None of them. My father’s family wrote us off when my parents died. My only living grandparent is my father’s mom, and I do not know her. She has never seen my children...ever.

With all that it just makes a person sad to know that life is so short, and in my eyes we were created to be there for each other. Catch each other when we fall…Growing up with in my grandparent’s home we had people around all the time. Of course you had you constant blow-ups and storm outs, but hey whose family doesn’t?! We were always getting together for something, and nowadays…well either a birth or a death and you may get a card or a visit…. Are we really that consumed with our lives or that busy?

I keep thinking it is my job to reach out and say enough already, and if they reject me again than you know what I tried. But…pride is a killer. It sucks to have to always be the one to reach out, but if I don’t who will?

I realize now that I have created my own family with my husband and my kids…and oh yes my animals! I think God knew that my compassion for others b/c of the loneliness I sometimes feel puts me in a position to reach out to others, and be their family. Some of the people that love me the most are not blood related. Much of this is babbling b/c I am still in the great debate with myself over how to approach this next hurdle in my life. I also know you can have tons of family, and still be one of the loneliest people b/c of how “busy” everyone is now.

My best friends growing up were my cousins…I loved hanging out with my aunts and uncles…my kids again see theirs on holidays, birthdays, and deaths…Why is this??!! Do I need to do more?

Any thoughts???

-A

The tongue..ugh what a powerful tool.

Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. James 3:5-6

As I was journaling the other night, and reflecting on the day I began to think through what my many defects that I am struggling with are. Very first one that came to my mind was my tongue. I began to look up verses, and came across this one above in James...wow how powerful our tongues can be. Praise in one way, and curse out another!

A small spark, that is all it takes. I started thinking about all the things I say in a day without even thinking. That brought me to 2 Corinthians 6:3-4 We live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry. In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God.

Words that are spoken by the tongue can cut like a knife. The hurts that are imprinted on my mind from my childhood and beyond were things said to me. The physical abuse was hard, but the words were harder to let go of.

A situation that I was put into today was a perfect example. Without identifying the person it may be difficult. I had to take "someone" somewhere today, and they have children, and the person watching their children has children. So we are talking 7 young ears...all under the age of 6. If I could count the profanity that was uttered in a matter of less than 3 minutes, all aimed at or around the children, I couldn't even tell you.... I wanted to cry. My heart was broken for all of the children, but to be quite honest they know no different. So very sad.

With the situation that I speak of...right now my hands are tied b/c of reasons I cannot disclose. I am an observer of sorts, but it is killing me. My gut instinct is to take all of those children and run, but I have learned the hard way I can't. I have to follow others rules...all I can do is pray, and hope God will give me strength to not let my tongue get the best of me towards the adults. I have to keep the door open to be a small light for these children to see this is not all there is to this life.

I don't want to make my own children stumble b/c of my tongue, but I also know I am not perfect. I am not above sitting my children down and asking for forgiveness...i have actually realized that humbling myself to my kids shows them how to humble themselves and not let pride overpower what is right.

Having the knowledge that words can cut like a knife from first hand experience is the first step to knowing that I have a choice to try and do the best I can to control my tongue. Let everything that comes from my mouth be a blessing to God...even on a very bad day! Progress not perfection.

Thinking and kids...

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 8-9

As I read tonight, this verse stood out to me. I believe since being saved the Holy Spirit convicts me. My heart is not always there, my mind is not always open, but if I give Him a chance He is talking to me. Even when I am not He finds a way to get my attention!

I actually had a pretty good weekend, but there is a underlying gnawing feeling that I can't quite shake. I have some ideas of what is weighing heavy on my heart, but until I stop and listen I will not be able to move forward.

My children are my life, and I know now that making sure that they grow up as children after God's own heart is much of job of mine. I remember reading in Job a verse that flipped my thinking, but also provided insight to me. He prayed for forgiveness of his childrens sins. That had never even entered my mind before. I found that profound to ask for forgiveness for a sin that I had not committed, but that showed me that Job loved his children enough to take them to God with whatever he was dealing with in the context of his childrens sins as well.

I would be a fool if I wasn't honest and said somedays i feel like i have failed terribly with my kids. I know on the outside people would say I am too hard on myself, but in some ways I know my children are paying for my sins of the past as I have paid and sometimes continue to pay for my parents sins. It can get overwhelming if I over analyze, which I do alot, but i also know ignoring it or saying it won't be my problem in a few years...well really is just not an option for me.

I monitor (or try) pretty much all that would potentially fill my childrens heads. From music, TV, books to people I try to make sure that they don't have volumes of negative or suggestive things going in at a rapid pace, but unfortuantely as I am sure we all can relate, when you have teenagers who believe they know it all, and we are just overly anal, than we begin to see a dissension in the ranks for a lack of a better term.

I feel sometimes I enable, overprotect and so on b/c I truly don't want them to make the same choices I did. But I also know that b/c of the lack of protection and love I didn't get, I tend to pour it out on my children in some way trying to make up for what I didn't have. Unfortunately that usually tends to backfire. I see adults in their late 20's, early 30's with parents still bailing them out, making excuses, and taking responsiblity that is not theirs to take. Awww where is the happy middle??!

I know that we all go through this, and all things always work themselves out, but I am worried, scared, and that hurts to say it, but I am. I have really good kids don't get me wrong, but am I raising kids that will be perpetually afraid and untrusting to the outside world? Somedays I know that is yes, and that is a direct reflection of my own thinking. No matter what anyone says our kids watch, immitate, and soak up all that we are and do. There is many occasions that I see that and smile, and there are others where I just want to curl up and cry.

I have to be able to let go some of that trying to control b/c if I don't they will be hindered as they grow. A work in progress as I always say...

Rambling again.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (NIV)
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Did you know?

I had one of those moments today that no parent wants. A phone call...

Some more info before i go further-My oldest daughter will be 14 years out of transplant this October. It has not been an easy road, but I thank God everyday that I have her in my life. For many of you who don't know she was born with Biliary Atresia. What that means in short version is: The cause of biliary atresia is unknown. Auto-immune mechanisms may be partly responsible for the progressive process that takes place. Although the cause is uncertain, it is known that biliary atresia affects only newborns; it is not hereditary; it is not contagious; and it is not preventable. Parents should be assured that biliary atresia is not caused by anything the mother did during pregnancy. (classkids.org)

It took me awhile to understand that it wasn't my fault that she had this. I was tormented before they reassured me over and over that it wasn't anything i did or didn't do. As a parent it is our job to protect our children. The pain that I had to watch my firstborn endure was almost too much all of the time. I would have done anything to have taken her place...It taught me much about life. I was so angry for a long time b/c I wanted to know why my daughter got this. It was 1 in 20,000 births! Why her? I had to let that go, and focus on doing whatever it took to keep her alive and healthy. There are days I know I drive her insane, and vice versa, but I love her and would die for her as I would all my children.

This is a story that could go on with many ups and downs, but that would be a book not a blog! Back to the phone call...i dread taking her for bloodwork every 3 months. Not only does it suck to see her poked, but the anticipation and dread that i endure waiting for that phone call to either tell me all is good, or all is not. Today the liver transplant coordinator called to tell me that her labs were elevated. My heart dropped. There has been so much that has gone on in the past year, and my first instinct was panic, and than I started losing it. I cannot express what it feels like to know that we will have to do this for the rest of her life, and even more so knowing she will have to deal with this for her life. I hate the thought of her ever moving out b/c than I cannot hover over her! I am sure she would say otherwise.

I know that I cannot try to take the control back from God b/c He is in control, and I know He loves her as much as I do. Does that eliminate my fear? No, but it helps me to get through this 24 hours.
In all of this what I am asking is please pray for her, and her labs to go back to normal. Please pray for me for strength, wisdom, and the sanity of my family that I don’t drive them all crazy with worry!

Also I cannot even wrap my mind around if we would have to go through the whole transplantation again, but i know in a drop second I would if it meant saving her again. Please share with your kids, co-workers, neighbors anyone that will listen the importance of education on being an organ donor. Without it I would not have my daughter, and kids die each day b/c of the lack of organs.

Below I have pulled statistics from the Donate Life America Website. This is real, and you never know when you may be on the other side of the decision.


-Almost 100,000 men, women and children currently need life-saving organ transplants.
-Every 12 minutes another name is added to the national organ transplant waiting list.
-An average of 18 people die each day from the lack of available organs for transplant.
-In 2005, there were 7,593 deceased organ donors and 6,895 living organ donors resulting in 28,108 organ transplants.
-In 2005, 44,000 grafts were made available for transplant by eye banks within the United States.
-Approximately 1,000,000 tissue transplants are performed annually.
-According to research, 98% of all adults have heard about organ donation and 86% have heard of tissue donation.
-90% of Americans say they support donation, but only 30% know the essential steps to take to be a donor.

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts-
A

Time heals all wounds...

A wound can be seen, felt, or sometimes both. Does time really eventually heal all our wounds?

This coming Monday is the anniversary of the day I had to say goodbye to my grandmother, who was monumental in who I have become after my own mother died. At the beginning of knowing she was going to leave this earth, I understood it was God's time...not my own. I spent those weeks asking for forgiveness, sharing the gospel with her, and mostly telling her I loved her. When she took her last breath...I felt the life being knocked out of me. I ran. Only one other time that I ran like that...24 years ago when my mom took her last breath. Have I healed completely? Yes and no. Will I someday? I think so...when I reach Heaven and I am reunited with them I think I will. Can I dwell on what is no longer? No. Can I rejoice, and focus on what they brought to my life? Yes, b/c I choose to.

This week has encompassed many emotions. I felt great all week, but I kept thinking I am not allowed to feel this good about life. I am comfortable waiting for the other "shoe" to drop. In someways situations arose that seeped in to that thinking. I am still dealing with (and will for awhile I am sure) life changing issues with extended family. I also found out that a young man that I cared deeply for, felt the despair that I understand more than I would like to, took his own life. Such a sad, heart wrenching waste of life. This will be the second son his mother has had to bury..those are deep wounds. And another issue that came tonight, a father who has been non-existant deciding to jump back in, and the tidal waves of his current are being felt...tears and emotions turned upside down yet again.

But in all this I praise God. I have to. I have too many blessings in my life to focus on the whys, the whens, and what about me?? As I held my young nephew tonight...he looked at me with the eyes of faith. He knows when he is here he will be loved, cared for, and safe. The emotion that I felt when he finally stood in front of me and began to take his first steps..I can't even express. That faith. That trust. Knowing I would catch him if he fell...a phrase that I always said to my grandma came to my mind...My cup runneth over. Life goes on...it always does even when we feel like we can't.

Time will heal if we allow it. Sometimes it just takes alot of it...He will catch me when I fall, when I doubt, and when I fail over and over.. Because that is who He is.

Mark 9:23-Anything is possible if a person believes.

*Please keep the Stegaman family in your prayers...The young mans name was Rodney.

Which one do you follow?

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars He loved the poor and accosted the rich So which one do you want to be? Who is this that you follow This picture of the American dream If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet.. (excerpt from a song by Todd Agnew)

I have heard this song many times, and just recently I think it just sank in. What a compelling and difficult question to ask myself..He spent so much time with the less fortunate, and I feel we as a society try to distance ourselves from people we believe are "lesser" than ourselves. Who put us on a pedestal?? I started thinking yesterday now that my husband finally has a "stable" job what will we do once we get things caught up? Go and get the material things we have been wanting, but couldn't afford? My sinfullness and straight honesty with you was the answer instantly was yes!

But the Holy Spirit convicted me before that thought could go further...No, we were in such a bad place monetarily and spiritually in the last year, that as a family I feel once we get "control" of our situation we need to learn to give back sacrificially. And not just with money, with time, love and one on one attention. That is so difficult in this world of want and constant busyness with things after this life is over don't mean a thing.

I just know that if Jesus were standing next to me, which I believe He does in many situations, how would I handle it? I also know that without wanting accolades of praise is the way I should give.

I am sometimes overwhelmed with my sinfullness, my past and so forth, but i know that God is always waiting there with open arms, and He is the only one that knows my true heart. We as a people believe from what we are taught that it is okay to classify, judge, and put people "unlike" us in a box. Jesus went against the grain, and welcomed those in need in. He obeyed His father. As I have gotten older and not having parents from the age of 9 on, obedience has been a struggle for me. I can only pray that I follow Jesus in His ways not my own, and obey my father...it is a work in progress and will be until I leave this earth..

What do you think?