Which part is me?

Exodus 34:7 (New International Version)
Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation."

I am struggling this evening with memories that have surfaced with my niece over the weekend. I feel physically ill and helpless b/c I really wish I could erase what has been done to her.
As I read in my bible tonight I came across this verse, and I remembered it from reading it before, but it really grabbed me tonight.

I remember the first time I read it I was frustrated. I thought why in the world do I have to pay for what my parents and grandparents did? Where is the fairness in that!? But that is when I was looking at it from a defensive and clouded mind with “it is all about me” right?

Hard to be totally honest, but hey that is why I blog. I know my children have paid for my sins and than some. Between my divorce, addiction, my past etc. I really don’t want to further dig into it, but I see how our future generations are affected by those who came before us.
It isn’t a death sentence. It is a guideline to life. Walking hand and hand with Jesus daily, and striving to live the best I can to show my children that even though they may screw up (and they will) ask for forgiveness, make amends and try to make it right.

This definitely connects to my previous blog on understanding how much of a lasting impact we do have on our children, and subsequently our grandchildren whether you like it or not.
Please pray for peace, healing and rest for my niece. This is going to be long road to recovery, but I will not go down with out a fight. I will do all I can to protect her and the other kids, just as I would my own.

Hebrews 13:8 (New International Version)
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Let my words be few...

Eccles. 5:2
Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.

I am so thrilled that the sun is shining today! The weather in the last week has been depressing. The kids have enjoyed the snow immensely, even though mom doesn’t because of all the wet clothes, boots and gloves! As I looked out at the yard and the new snow fall, it was a metaphor to me how God will wash us clean of our sin, and make us white as snow…

The weeks are becoming more routine. Crazy, but routine nonetheless. I still have my moments of wanting to curl up in a ball and hide b/c of the unknowns, but I also have those blessed moments that outweigh the bad.

The verse from Ecclesiastes seemed so appropriate for this day. This morning when I went to get my niece up for school, she got up, and looked so unbelievably sad. It broke my heart. I asked her what was wrong, and she said I miss my mom. Oh, there are no words to take that kind of pain away.

All I could say was I know, and hug her. Words escaped me, but honestly I don’t think there are any. I am not going to make her feel all warm and fuzzy about something I really don’t know how it is going to turn out.

We as parents have so much influence over how our kids feel emotionally. Even if parents don’t want that job, sorry that is life. The rejection and abandonment leaves an empty hole inside of you. You think there is something wrong with you b/c if there weren’t they would love me right? I know the truth now that I am older, but I am not sure someone could have convinced me when I was younger.

I just have to wrap her in love, and reassure her that it isn’t her. And keep on prayin! ;)

As I get ready to do my round trip of picking up kids, which takes me an hour, I will say my blessings for the wonderful family that I have!

Time

1 Thess. 2:4 For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.

Once again it has been a minute since I last blogged. Seems like the time is just flying by. The weeks have been jam packed with kid’s appts. I have either dental, ortho, or doctor appts everyday this week! Lots of driving.

Life has been eh okay. I have had the opportunity in the last two weeks to really delve into God’s word nightly, which has been good for me. Life gets away from us sometimes, we get bogged down with all the “stuff” especially with the holidays around the corner, that we lose sight of the really important things.

I love Christmas. I always have. Every time I think of Christmas though it takes me back to better days with my grandmother in the kitchen non-stop making something! I really don’t know how she did it. All four of us kids underfoot, worked full-time, home cooked meals almost daily, and still had the energy to make all kinds of goodies around the holidays! She has inspired me so much.

It has been awe inspiring to me to watch my niece grasping what the meaning of Christmas is. I was reminded in church service last Sunday that to be prayerful and thankful at ALL times. Not when things are going my way, or only when my life is in shambles, but all the time. It is difficult, I won’t lie. When you have 5 children needing you in 5 different directions, screaming, crying…must I go on?! I have found myself saying thank you God that I am blessed to be apart of this bigger picture I can’t yet see!

My purpose is to serve my Father, and glorify Him in all I do.

My husband has been my rock the last couple of weeks. What a great man to take on all he has with 2 extra children! I feel very blessed to call him my husband.

2 Thess. 3:5 May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.

Thank you!

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. Melodie Beattie

As I think about tomorrow and what it means to each of us; it gives me a moment to reflect.
I have been very blessed in my life to have people put in my life over the course of my 33 years. God strategically placed those (even if for a season) there for a reason. Family is so important, but I have learned it does not have to be by blood that you call someone your family. It was a tough lesson to learn, but I get some of the reasons why it is so.

We take for granted the love, security that some of us get with those people we call family. As I prayed with my niece tonight I recited the prayer I used to always say when I was a child. As I went through the list that I use to pray for (mom, dad, g-parents etc) I realized, sadly, that she really doesn’t have any of those things. She has never had grandparents, ever…that is so unbelievably sad when I know how important my grandmother was to me. She really doesn’t have any aunts, uncles, or cousins that she knows and or sees at any point and time.

I have to say that broke my heart. All a child ever wants is to be loved. I am determined for my kids, and my niece and nephew to know that they are loved and safe as long as I breathe.

Love those around you, reach out to someone who doesn’t have the great fortune that you do, and don’t take for granted that there will always be a tomorrow to tell them you love them.

Psalm 116:6-7The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me

Peace..

…So if you would know His voice, never consider results or possible effects. Obey even when He asks you to move in the dark.
…And there will spring up rapidly in your heart an acquaintanceship and a fellowship with God which will hold you and Him together, even in severest testing’s. (Way of Faith book)

Well it has been a minute since I last posted. Life is still as chaotic as ever, and has gotten more intense with my niece. I just try to make it through each day, and face the battle laid before me.

I am trying very hard to just be patient, listen to God’s small voice, and do whatever I can to love all these children. They are a blessing even in the trials, and if I can focus on that than hopefully I can make it through the most trying times!

I have had a peace in the last two weeks, and the obsessing over this whole situation has lightened. I feel very blessed to know my father knows what I can handle and what I can’t. I don’t know what is going to happen in the coming months, but I do know He is in control and loves these children as much as I do.

I read through Ephesians last night, and the apostle Paul wrote something that reached out to me…May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love...Eph. 3:17 What a great way to think of my relationship as it continues to grow with Him daily. That He is never changing, it is me who chooses to turn away and not follow the path He has laid before me. He will always open His arms to me, and provide that safety and love. What a great feeling!

My focus right now is trying to keep gratitude at the front. I have to focus on the all that has been given to us, and all that can be given if we obey His commandments. The quote from the movie Forrest Gump comes to mind…Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get! Isn’t that the truth!?

Ephesians 5:17
Don’t act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do.

Inner struggle

Psalm 13:2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

I finished reading the complete bible a couple of weeks ago, and I began to go back over some books that I would like to study more. As I was reading last night, and fighting my frustration and obsession I read Psalms. David really struggled back and forth, but he always trusted God to save him from his despair and to serve justice.

That is a lesson I have to keep reminding myself. I am trying so hard to do the best to keep upbeat and positive, but satan has been working overtime on my mind. I have had so many moments in the last couple of weeks of just wanting to throw my hands up, b/c every where I turn it is a new battle! It is overwhelming…

I am really questioning people’s motives and empty words. I already don’t trust many, and it reflects on how many people are close to me, but I feel like actions lately reaffirm why I don’t keep to many close. The saying “keep your friends close and your enemies’ closer” springs to mind. Than on the flip side I have to not go there. God calls me to love my neighbor as myself…UGHHH Doing what is right is never simple. It is a lot of hard work.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I am struggling something awful right now with not obsessing and trusting that all things will work out the way God has planned. I am practically pleading with God to relieve the obsession.

Psalm 13:5-6 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

Chaos and what not...

Chaos seems to be the word for our lives right now. Actually if you looked up the definition of it in the dictionary you would probably see our family at the present moment!

It has been a long day. I had to take Chelsey to Cincinnati today for her liver annual appointment. We had to be on the road at 5:30am. She started testing as soon as we got there, and am so amazed at how old she has gotten and the trials we have had to endure all these years. Her liver enzymes were up…I have to say panic is my first instinct, but I am trying to not do that. Her renal (kidney) test results don’t come back until tomorrow, so I feel like I am sitting on pins and needles! Please pray for her.

I am still trying to acclimate to having five children. I feel like I cook and clean now more than I ever have! It is amazing to me how quickly you go through everything with only two more little bodies.

I have also realized how in the last week or so I feel like I am pushing against a cement wall, and let me tell you it isn’t moving! I feel like in many areas right now that I am trying to do what is right, and everyone is fighting me on it. Frustrating.

I do have many things to still be grateful for…I realized and was reminded of what an investment and obligation I have to teach all my children (including my niece and nephew). After church on Sunday I went to get my niece from her Sunday school class and before I could even ask she said guess what Aunt April? I learned about Jesus today…at that moment I knew no matter what happens the fire had been lit. Even if it is only a spark.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

In need of strength

My heart and mind are heavy tonight. I am not sure even why I am blogging except to get all of this out. This is the 2nd night in a row that my niece has been up most of the night with nightmares, and she just screams, tears her hair out, and scratches her self till she bleeds. It is such a helpless feeling to watch her. She is not even awake, but is just screaming in absolute terror.

My children are running on broken sleep, they don’t understand, and it is just very overwhelming to them and us. We want to help her, but not sure how. I called her therapist today, and she never called me back. Needless to say she will be getting a stern phone call from me tomorrow, b/c I am afraid this five year old is going to hurt herself or someone else with the rage of emotion that has bubbled to the surface.

Every time I go up there I just lay my hands on her and pray that God will give her peace and rest. This is so unfair. I know life isn’t fair, but children should never feel this way.

Please pray for strength and wisdom for all of us (especially my children) that we help her to get through this the best we can. Please pray for peace and rest for her…

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

In need of faith that can move mountains

Thank you to all that have expressed encouraging words and prayers…they are appreciated more than you know.

We just finished our 2nd of 3 foster classes yesterday, and it depresses me each time we go. There are so many children in the system, and not enough loving foster homes to put them in. It amazes me the trauma that these children live daily…I remember it all to well… The pictures that they showed…I couldn’t watch. I cried, and just wanted to vomit. It brought flashbacks of my childhood up that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle. Parent’s that had held lit cigarettes to a child’s foot, scalding them with hot water, bruises striped across their backs, babies practically starved to death…absolutely unbelievable. Our system needs to protect these kids instead of sending them home!

It is so easy to lose faith, and lose sight of what God is capable of when you hear and see all the sadness and pain that happens on a daily basis, but that is this life now. Our society, with lack of good role models, not only the parents, but the absence of parents and grandparents for these children to lean on is unreal.

My grandmother was such an important person in my life, and taught me so much that I can’t imagine not having that, but so many children don’t have even that one person to step up and stand up for them. Sad really…what has gone wrong?

Chelsey taught my niece how to tie her shoes yesterday…she was so excited to share that with me and Uncle Andy! It about made me cry, b/c kids just need our love and encouragement to help them grow and learn.

Please continue to pray for us. My sister goes back to court tomorrow, and we are in a marathon not a sprint. There are, and going to be so many ups and downs until this is resolved one way or another…that scares me. But I have to trust God right now.

Mark 11:22-24 Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. 23 I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. 24 I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.

Moving forward...or something like that

Revelation 21:4-5
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!”

Oh, how glorious that day will be…no more pain and tears.

It has been a very long week. Exhausting emotionally and physically. My niece is settling in well. She is very guarded right now, which God only knows who could blame her. I feel very blessed to be the one who is able to invest in these children’s lives. I just hope and pray that what is best comes to fruition, and I will fight the fight until the judge says no more.

I just came from upstairs b/c I heard her screaming in her sleep…she was actually crying in her sleep. This whole situation breaks my heart. When I look at her I see me as a child, and I guess in some ways that is good for her b/c I understand what she is feeling right now.

I will say it again I have wonderful children. They have taken her under their wing, and have been amazing. This has been a lesson for them on being there for those in need, and being willing to sacrifice luxuries we all take for granted to benefit another.

The obsession has not stopped. It is so hard…I ask God everyday to take it away, but I am still white knuckling it. I can’t predict the future and I need to let it go, but knowing 4 lives hang in the balance makes it so very difficult!

Anyone that reads this (if you pray) please pray for guidance, strength, and protection for our family and these children. We are still trying to figure out some financial stuff, and it has been very taxing to say the least.

Gratitude & Angels

Attitude of gratitude. I am so grateful today. My daughter Chelsey is celebrating 14 years out of transplant! How grateful I am to God that we are able to celebrate another milestone.

She is such a blessing, and looking back on where we have been with her and where she is now is an awesome testimony of God’s grace.

We also were able to experience another one of those moments of awe in God’s wonderful plan for our life yesterday during foster parenting classes yesterday. We met another couple only briefly, but unbelievable how God put’s angels in your lives when you least expect it.

During the class I asked the question of any grants or programs to help us obtain items we need for the children we are getting, b/c we are in need of bunk beds for my daughter’s room now that we are taking in my niece. Anyhow, at the end of the session this couple we had JUST met handed me a card, and left. Well I was in the middle of a conversation with one of the trainers, and I didn’t look at it until we left.

I thought me and Andrew would faint. They had handed us a check for $400 for bunk beds! I could not believe it. These people didn’t know us from Adam, but they felt compelled to help out complete strangers. It renewed my spirit. I realized there are people out there that really do care even if they are strangers.

I wanted to post a grateful post b/c lately I have tended to only show my frustration. Today I see God’s wondrous hand moving in our lives, and I am so very grateful. He is carrying us even when sometimes I choose to not see it.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. "
~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

Obsess much?

Getting through the day seems to be my motto lately, and as I type that it frustrates me. I have a tendency to obsess about issues. They take up rent in my mind, and though I try to evict them they won’t go away!

I just feel like there are so many things that are open ended right now, that I may just go insane. I know that I am not trusting it to work out as it always does, but it is just so hard when it is in so many areas in my life right now. I am just trying to do what is right, but I can’t predict the outcome and really have no control on how it plays out.

I was on my way to visitation tonight for my sister to see her kids, and I looked in the mirror…I have aged so much in the last couple of months. Stress has taken its toll on my face and body.

I just want one day where these things are not consuming me. I don’t question what I am doing, but I have to let certain things go for now…ughhhh if it were only that easy.

God give me strength..

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." Alexander Graham Bell

Expectations...

Mark 9:35-37
35 Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." 36He took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them, 37"Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."

One major lesson that I have learned in the last year is never ever think you know where your life my lead you. I have had to learn that the twists and turns happen whether you are looking and waiting for them or not.

It has been a rough last 2 weeks, but one ever changing yet again. I think I have felt every emotion from depression, elation, anger, depression again, and than just calm. I have prayed so hard when it has come to this situation with my sister and the kids, with my lack of a job right now, my kids, my marriage, and just where God wants me right now.

I received a phone call last Friday unexpectedly wanting to know if I would take another one of my sisters kids b/c the foster parents are not working out… well I knew my husband might just collapse or want to cause bodily harm if I asked him! I sat on it for a moment, and stared out the window…

I don’t know why, but things happen for a reason. I don’t have a job right now, but this little girl needs us. I kept thinking our house is becoming jammed, I only have a car…the list goes on. Can I really give one more kid my attention? Than I started thinking what our crazy family can do for her. We may be chaos, and we argue, but we love each other. We talk the talk, now it was time to walk the walk.

My husband has been beyond wonderful. I am so very grateful for him. Than I had to ask each of my children if they had it in their hearts and sanity to do it, and I can’t even begin to express how unbelievable my children are. Their responses showed me just what they have learned this year….i was beyond proud.

So yet again, roller coaster going up! At least I know that she will be reunited with her little brother who is with us as well…

Please keep us in your prayers whoever is listening! It is much appreciated.

Here today gone tomorrow...

James 4: 13-14
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

That verse puts so much into perspective. All of this gone in a breath, and as I sit here sinking into my depression b/c it (I know I have said too much) just overwhelms me right now.

Every night as I lay my head down and pray for my kids and pray for wisdom I say tomorrow will be better…tomorrow comes and there is a new set of obstacles waiting to trip me up. Maybe it is my cynical view right now. Maybe I am just shutting out all the good b/c of my consuming my mind with the “crap” happening…who knows.

As I talk myself through this maybe I should see them as “opportunities” instead of obstacles. Ohh, but it is so hard to think positive when it is so easy to be negative. It is in my nature to wait for the other shoe to drop so to speak…because it usually always does…usually by the shoe store full.

He has brought me through so many storms, and I truly believe in my heart that He is carrying me now or I would not even be coherent. Telling my head to follow suit is another story.

So many depend on me to keep it together… I can’t fail them, but I can’t get so caught up in the “what ifs” that I miss the here and now.

Moving forward…one step at a time…sometimes one minute at a time…that is all I can do for today. He has promised never to forsake me…I have to trust in that.

I need to slow down…

"True faith involves doing all you can and letting God take care of the rest." God is in the small stuff… and it all matters. Bruce & Stan

Food for thought..

Luke 18:17 (New Living Translation)
17 I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.”
If a child lives with criticism
He learns to condemn;
If a child lives with hostility
He learns to fight;
If a child lives with ridicule
He learns to be shy;
If a child lives with shame
He learns to feel guilty.
BUT
If a child lives with tolerance
He learns to be patient;
If a child lives with encouragement
He learns confidence;
If a child lives with praise
He learns to appreciate;
If a child lives with fairness
He learns justice;
If a child lives with security
He learns to have faith;
If a child lives with approval
He learns to like himself;
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship
He learns to find Love in the world.

Endurance

Hebrews 13:2-3
So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! 36 Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

Patient endurance. These last couple of months have been some of the most trying I think that I have had to endure in awhile, but somehow I have endured. Only by His grace…

Our lives right now are in complete limbo. We have no idea what is going to happen with many areas of our life. There were moments this weekend when I felt my resolve completely diminish. I couldn’t do it for one more second. I was ready to throw in the towel…literally.

That scared me. It has just been an overwhelming increase b/c of people, things etc coming at me from all sides, and what do I tackle first?! It is too much, but as I read through Hebrews last night I realized much of this is b/c my outlook has been so consumed with things out of my control…geesh I had to visit that again…isn’t that like the 100th time since I have begun blogging?!! I guess that is why this is therapeutic to me. Who knows if any one is listening…actually I know one who is, and He is all that truly matters.

I had to again ask for forgiveness b/c my fuse is beyond short right now. I am disappointed in people that I should have never expected anything from. I am sick that there are so many cowards that run in my blood line. Is that disappointment and resentment going to do me any good? No, it has been slowing poisoning me the last 2 weeks, and the effects have shown through…

There are moments I want to step outside and just scream until I can’t anymore. I don’t understand some of the things happening right now….argh. But it isn’t my job to understand. It is my job to be a servant joyfully. Easily, um no. I have to do His will even though satan is doing his darndest to take me down right now.

I have to keep moving b/c slowing down is not an option at this point. I pray that His strength will sustain me…

Hebrews 4:7
“Today when you hear his voice, don’t harden your hearts.”

Life goes on...

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest I don’t want to end up where You found me And it echoes in my mind Keeps me awake tonight I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away From You leaving me this way…

This song by Casting Crowns has been echoing in my mind for weeks…Friday was hell. I won’t sugar coat it..all of last week was actually. I haven’t felt like blogging b/c honestly I have so much to say, but does any of it truly matter?

As I walked up to the court house on Friday I had a full blown panic attack. I haven’t had one of those in years. In the past they were onset by issues with my parents or that day. As I walked in there to do what I knew was right, and in the middle of my attack, I found myself 24 years before standing in a court house with my grandmother fighting for custody of us 4 kids.

I could not for the life of me afterward figure out why that image and day came flooding back. I hadn’t thought of it for years. As I thought about it Saturday it came to me. I had been praying for my grandmother to be with me that day…and she was! The strength it took her to overcome and do what was right even though it was hard and frightening she did it. She was with me…I felt peace (a little!) after I came to that realization. I did what I knew she would have done had she been here today.

It crushed my heart to do what I had to do, but I know I did what was right. People keep themselves in denial so that they don’t have to face their true selves. I should know I have done it many times. I hope and pray that my sister will forgive me, and know that I did it because of my love for her and her children.

I have had so many people tell me that they can’t believe I did it, and how heroic it was…why is that? I did what we all should do. When you see children or any one in need (especially family) don’t you do what it takes to help and get them better? I have realized that I have had to make a few calls and stand up for what is right when others won’t. I am so surprised at how many cower behind their fears or stay in their “comfortable” settings b/c it is too much work to just try… I know I fear many things, but there has to be a point when you trust in God to step out and make a difference.

Where do I go from here? Hmm. I don’t know. I have no job, my sister hates me, and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring…but have I ever? That would be an emphatic NO.
I just have to keep moving forward and understand this is in God’s plan even if I don’t understand. And here we visit the Trust issue again…

Psalm 27:1- The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?

Straining so hard to look up...

When you think you have had enough and can’t do it anymore, you get served some more. Isn’t that the way it works?

Today was just another day. Just some preface before I get to the “good” stuff (and yes that is sarcasm you are smelling). The last three years have been some of the most hellacious when it has come to jobs. I was in the mortgage business for almost 6 tumultuous years. I hated it. Cut throat, fraudulent places to be (the ones I was in). I just didn’t feel that is where I should be, and finally I got out. Purpose of that sharing is b/c jobs/income have been all over the map for my family in the last 3 years. It has been difficult on all of us. That is why we moved. The effects of those years caught up.

Anyway back to today. I have had a feeling for awhile things were taking a downward dip where I am at now, but held on to the hope that somehow it would come back together…wrongo. After I received a phone call already giving me some bad news on another thing, my boss comes in 15 min before I get off to tell me the doors maybe closing Friday. Poof, April no job again. I have to say at first I had major meltdown. Oh how I hate change. I hate instability, but I hate dishonesty more.

These things never come sparingly over time; no they come all at once. Tears, anger, all the emotions seared through me. I didn’t want to tell my children yet again I just don’t know. But once I picked Tre up and saw him smiling and running towards me…it changed.

It is going to be okay. It always is, but only if I keep my eyes on the Lord, and know He has always provided what we need. May not be all we want or think we need, but He always takes care of us. He is shifting my path…I don’t know why, but He is. There is a reason for everything, and to everything there is a season…I have to focus on all I still do have. Difficult yes, but I have to. To try and think to far ahead about this and this…oh I will be more insane than what I already am.

I didn’t realize that posting last night would ring so true in my ears today. Faith looks up…oh that is all I can do. Focus on getting through today, and let God take care of tomorrow.

I have finals tomorrow…not sure how I am going to concentrate, but hey I have been through worse right?!

Romans 5:2-5 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. 3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.

I found this quote, and it jumped out at me. I have found in the last couple of weeks sorrow has made me look back a great deal. It is very easy for me b/c of my past to look back at all the trauma that others inflicted on me or I have inflicted on myself. Life is such a day to day thing. Every day is anew, and every day I am given the pardon to try to do what is right…again.

Worry looks around. How many times in the last week have I been looking around, mauling over in my mind, how, what, why etc. it can consume me if I don’t catch it. I started feeling the loneliness, which in turn made me start looking inward and questioning why do I not have a friend I can call up and turn to? Why have I not put more people in my life to be accountable when I start getting prickly with all the woes of the world right now? Because I am not spending enough time focusing on God instead I am all about me again.

It is so hard sometimes. I get so frustrated at myself b/c it is like banging your head against the wall saying to yourself….well maybe it won’t hurt this time!! Good grief. I don’t think I consciously do it, but when I really think about it, that is exactly what I am doing.

Faith looks up. Hmm. Am I looking up or am I looking inward? When I think of the actual act of looking up into the sky I don’t know why but I feel peace. Why don’t I do it more than? With what lies ahead of me for this week I have to look up…I have to. If not I am not sure I will be able to make it through…actually I know I won’t.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Ugggghhh....Anger

He who angers you conquers you. - Elizabeth Kenny

I could feel it bubbling inside me like a volcano ready to explode. I prepared myself for the worst (or so I thought), but it was not what I was prepared for. Frustration, hurt, and than anger. Why did I expect any different??!! Ugghhh. It makes me mad at myself that I even let it get to me, but darn it why is that family hurts you the worst?

I hadn’t seen her in 4 years…not even a hug, how are you, I wish I could slap you…nope none of the above. Even the latter would have been nice. Geez to acknowledge my existence would have been enough.

Today has tried my patience more than I can even type fast enough. I am at the end of my proverbial rope. I feel very alone right now...I am already stressed to my max. Today did not help matters at all. That is frustrating me too. I don’t feel like I should feel this way, but I do. All these things that keep happening…family…again WHY? I will hope and pray till my knees bleed that my kids never treat each other this way, or that their aunts, uncles around them never turn on them and discard them like a dirty rag. I hope I teach them as they become adults to love their family, be there for each other even when you don’t feel you can one last time.

I feel like crap even typing this post, but I have to get it out. It has been simmering in me since this afternoon. I know that letting my anger get the best of me is giving the devil a foothold, but I am trying to purge myself now and let it go. I miss my grandmother something awful…i really need her right now. This is one of those times when not having parents or grandparents to lean on depresses me. I just need someone to tell me it is okay or it is going to be okay eventually…

Okay now that the anger is out…now I just feel sad. I think the rejection is the main cause for my anger. It is what it is. I can’t make someone care about me…they either do or they don’t. I know my next course of action is prayer. All I can do is pray for them. Boy is that hard when you’re frustrated and hurt, but I have to. If not, they won, and all I will feel is worse.

Life is just hard sometimes. I have spent a lot of time in the last two years asking for forgiveness for what I have done no matter what they did to me…so I guess this isn’t about them it is about me. I have to do what is right even when I don’t want to.

Live

Wow, I can’t believe it has been a week since I posted last. Whew, does time continue to fly!

These last couples of weeks have begun to take a toll on my body. I have finals next week, Kade is struggling in school, all the kids have been sick (2 with a fever today!), and just trying to prepare myself for a big day next Friday. Those who are close to me know how much this is weighing on my heart and mind, but I have to do what is in the best interests of all involved…even if I feel like my heart is being torn in two.

The reason behind this post is I guess to some comical if you know me, but serious nonetheless. With our move, and all the changes and added stress I had (within the last month) started noticing I was bruising easier, feeling lightheaded more frequently, and losing weight (I have tried for years, and I stop trying and now it comes off!)

Anyway on the serious note I had a doctor’s appt today that had been scheduled for over a month. I was going back for a follow-up b/c I am having migraines more frequently. Moving on…I had myself almost convinced yesterday I was dying. Okay now that you’re done laughing I was serious. I really thought all those years of torturing my poor body had finally caught up with me.

As I went into each kid’s room last night, I finally stopped and took a breath. Something I haven’t done in the last couple of weeks. I took that moment to do what I used to before the last months chaos overcame me. I spent time rubbing chelsey’s back and talking to her, I rubbed ky’s cheek and pushed her hair away as she slept, I thought of how much my son, my beautiful son is growing into a young man, and lastly Tre. How very blessed we are as a family to invest in his life…

My point you may say? Life is short. We may not always have tomorrow. The song by Tim McGraw came to my mind…live like you are dying. On my deathbed I am not going to be thinking of laundry piled up, a dirty house, jobs, money…no I am going to be wondering if my kids know that I love them, and did I raise them to be good human beings.

Well the doctor’s visit was emotional b/c I didn’t know if she was going to send me out of there in a straight jacket or what! She looked at me and said my problem was stress. Hmmm… you think? My body is overloaded. Andy has been telling me that for weeks…

So again…I have to stop and appreciate what is going on. Some things that I put so high on my list needs to take a back seat and my family needs to come first. When I thought about leaving this earth now I realized I am so not done living and doing what God has called me to do.

Romans 12:9-10 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

A Challenge

Do you ever feel like you are trying to run in quick sand? And for every hurdle you barely skim over, another just seems to pop up with no end in sight? Ugghh. That is what I am feeling right now. I know I have said this in numerous posts, but doing what is right seems to be a hard thing to do. Sometimes it is not even for yourself that you are trying to do the right thing for…

My past, my purpose never seemed to be important. (to anyone else anyway) I have prayed for years for God to reveal why I had to endure those things, and you know what they say about being careful what you wish for! I am only being sarcastic (yes I know I wear that well!) I am thankful, grateful, and awe inspired most of the time as I see His plan unfold, but on the other hand it causes fear and anxiety. I over think everything. I don’t want to fail.

Right now my life is like a 3 ring circus. Half the time you don’t know if you are coming or going! Trying to balance it all work, school, housework, kids, their homework, my homework, and still trying to make your marriage thrive…ahhhhh Many days I just want to hide.

But than there are moments when I take the time to look at the grateful moments that I know it is all so worth it…Kade so excited about being dead last in cross country today, and pulling in at 4th in the end, Ky’s eyes just sparkling b/c her dad is going to her school, Chelsey cracking me up trying to repeat broken Spanish, and than little Tre…when I went to pick him up today from daycare..ahh his little legs wouldn’t move fast enough to get him to me. He wanted me to get him as quickly as possible, and he was smiling the whole time. Isn’t that what we long for too? Someone to run into knowing there loving arms wrapped around us makes us feel safe?

There are so many that don’t have that. Some people out there really have no one. I have so much, yet I complain so much. I read an email this morning that made my heart ache. There are lots of people out there that you pass everyday and you have no idea their story, and most of us don’t even bother to ask b/c we have “enough” to deal with. I have learned in the last week that it is important to take care of my family, but it is also my job to reach out to others. Someone did it for me, and I believe God has called me to do the same.

I encourage you and I tomorrow, reach out to someone. Even if it is a stranger, and just ask them how they are doing today…it makes another feel like their life is important enough to acknowledge their existence.

Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Christ did. 1 John 2:6

Another week...

Ephesians 3:18-19 (New Living Translation)
18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Awesome verse!
Another week gone by…have you realized the older you get the quicker that time seems to go? It flys. You’re your in moments of stress and chaos it seems to drag interminably.

The baby started daycare today. We have all been excited to see this new venture for him. It is a great opportunity at a place that has so much structure, kids his age for social, and best of all the principles of Gods love taught to him. I believe you are never too young to begin that. We all have heard the faith of a child, and it is so real. It is our world and society that chase that faith away…

Anyhow this last week was hard. I found myself sinking into a depression. I share this b/c even though my faith is where it is, and my trust in God is where it is, does not mean that I am immune to this world and the trials that I (we) all face.

My week was a mess. My nephew could not start in his daycare until today, my kids started school (which meant no one to take care of them or him), and my car decided to check out on me on Thursday. Argh. It was too much. Once again as I reflect on why I fell apart I see that it was b/c I lost all control over what was happening. I was frustrated and overwhelmed b/c it was utter chaos, and I felt like I had no say in it at all.

On Saturday Andrew cleaned out our other attic. There in the mess of “stuff” I have had for years…HS memorabilia, kids baby clothes, and things from my parents. It was rough. I came across a tape that was given to me roughly 18-19years ago that was a tapped conversation of my father before everything happened that fateful day.

Why is it when we know it will bring up yuckey stuff we still grab it? As you can guess, yes I listened to it. As I sat there I had to listen to me at nine years old beg to just be heard. To be loved. The pain of hearing "ghosts" voices was torture, but it is all i have of them...may sound demented but I can't remember their voices anymore. They seem like something i read about long ago... It broke my heart, but made my resolve for what I have been doing with my extended family all that much stronger. I had no voice. God has given me one now, and now I have His guidance to help me through and be there for other children just like I was.

All that we go through in our lives can either be regretted or it can be a stepping stone into who we want to be and reminders of what can happen if we revert back to where we have been.
I know we all have said once in our lives God puts people in our lives for a reason. Do you ever dissect that, chew on it, and think about it fully?

I see all of it now. Not perfectly, not without questions, but like a puzzle..it fits. Not perfectly, not without curves and turns but it does.

We have to stay open to all God has for us…He is so big that I cannot even wrap my mind around it, but I know He is there. I explained to Chelsey tonight, we have to be careful about putting people in a box. Christians are not perfect, but it is not our job to judge them. Some will claim they are, are they? Not my job to point out if they are or not. Am I walking the walk so perfectly that I find it my job to point out their faults? I think not! We are to do our best to uplift everyone to the best of our ability.

I realized in many of the situations that I am in right now, I need to pray deeply, fully and completely. Am I looking for an answer or do I think I already have it? God is who He says He is…am I?

Galatians 6:2-3 (New Living Translation)
2 Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. 3 If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.

Thought provoking verse.

Reflection yet again...

Ephesians 4:1-2
Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. 2 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

I came across this verse last night as I was doing my nightly reading and it hit me as it usually does when I need to be reminded of things I continue to need to work on. Always be humble and gentle…geez am I? Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other’s faults because of your love…do I?

No, and no. Not always. I try, but fall short many times. This weekend I did a lot of reflecting again (I know, blah blah), but I did. I realized yet again how unbelievably blessed I am. I realize where my life has been, where it is now, and where it could be if I don’t keep my priorities straight, and my life accountable to my Father.

I realized I have been forgiven for my shortcomings more so than not. Not only by God, but by the people around me that I know that I have hurt. Why than am I so stingy on my forgiveness? Why am I not doing what God called me to do by loving my enemies and praying for them instead of cursing them?

Simple answer, I am human. As I was talking to Chelsey and Andy last night I realized that a lesson that needs to be taught now to my children is one of forgiveness when we have been wronged or when others fall short of their duties as a parent or the loved ones around us. I realized that resentments and unforgiveness that I held on to for year’s b/c I felt like I was punishing that person only did immense harm to ME. It led me on a path of self destruction, and hurt others that shouldn’t have been hurt by it, but were.

I also realized that I have put myself out there with this blog. I have exposed A LOT of who I am and what I struggle with, and that can be a good thing or a bad thing. I put a lot of thought into it, and I know that when I know someone else is going through or have gone through similar struggles I feel better knowing I am not alone in this. So even if no one or someone is lifted up or feels that they are not alone from my raw exposure than I am okay with that. This is who I am. I am okay with that now. I hid who I was for years, and I am done with that. What I am, and who I am now is God’s masterpiece (still struggling with that!! :) ) and that I am good with!

Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Comfort

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 5 For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.

Comfort...hmm that feeling has been evading me mercilessly. As I sat here tonight quietly, I started to reflect on where my focus has been once again…ME. Man, it is very hard to realize how much we tend to turn everything into a personal crisis or all about me. I do it so much, and than I just want to kick my own tail!

I came across this verse in a book I tend to read nightly or try to nowadays. I realized today in the middle of adversity, and struggle over wanting to control a situation and outcome, the light went on. I don’t and will not have control over this. I can try, but I will drive myself and everyone else around me crazy trying!

I had a peace, even if it was brief, I had it. I lost sight of what the goal of the last year has been. I became so muddled in the mess of what happened to me that I forgot that this isn’t about me. But what did happen all those years ago is to be used to help others not crawl back into my pity pot and wallow there.

There are still so many things that I really wish I could instantly change about myself, but unfortunately it isn’t that easy. It takes mucho hard work, and discipline. All the stuff we tend to run from! I guess if I were perfect than I wouldn’t realize how much I do need God to lean on. In times such as these I can only control me. I can’t force people to be, act or say anything I need or want them to say. Tough pill to swallow on some days…especially when it is family or those close to you. As I always say (just ask my kids) it is what it is…moving on.

We can’t always choose the situations that life brings us, but we can choose the attitude we will use to face them. Powerful sentence.

Struggling

There are moments when my strength seems to leave me. There are times when I feel as if I am drowning, and there is no one throwing in the life preserver. As I drove home from class tonight, actually as I sat through both of my classes I had an overwhelming sense of despair. It is the first time I have felt it since all of this has happened with my nephew.

I knew I was beginning to be crazy woman, but I thought it was because although I am on vacation and I have to have a scheduled itinerary now to get all things accomplished with a toddler in tow. Two weeks ago I could do nothing but think about spending the week unpacking, lounging, and just hanging out with my kids. Now I have to figure out how to be able to work, go to class, and now find child care when my children have been out of that for a couple of years.

I chose this, and I don’t for one second regret my decision, but I also know that others either don’t support it or look at my stress and say “well it was your choice” That is all well and good, but I know I am allowed to feel crazy, and frustrated. I will say it again, life is messy or at least mine is and I accept that. I don’t back down to a challenge especially when children are involved. If that makes me insane, than I guess I am.

I am not trying to be a martyr; I am trying to do what is right. I guess in some ways I am trying to right a wrong done 24 years ago by people who weren’t willing to roll up their sleeves, and deal with a few bumps in the road and change a life. Most would say i could not change a thing, you are DEAD wrong you can. Please if you even bother reading my blogs pray for children everywhere that don’t have anyone to hold them, feed them and let them know it will all be okay. And if you see it, and you know with all your gut what it is…DO something about it. DON’T ignore it. You can make a difference. Look your children in the eyes, and know that innocence. They didn’t choose their parents…

I am trusting that God will walk me though this. He always has. My life is in His hands.

James 1:5-6
If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.

Trust..yet again.

Trust involves letting go and knowing God will catch you. - James Dobson

Proverbs 16:20 (NLT)
Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be joyful.

Isaiah 12:2 (NLT)
See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.”

Proverbs 29:25 (NLT)
Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.

As you can see from above I am once again dealing with letting go and trusting that God’s will be done. I know that I have (reluctantly) surrendered to the fact that I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my years, but I look at progress of the awareness is a plus!

I am trying desperately to make my path straight, and to follow where He leads, but people, places and things will and do become stumbling blocks for me. Fostering my nephew right now…I know it is what God has called me to do for this moment, but what will tomorrow bring? That is where the fear and anxiety tend to overrun me. I feel like I have so many balls in the air right now, and they all involve others lives. If I happen to drop one what will happen?

I have trusted God this far to do as He sees fit with the situation, and it has never happened in my timing. I have to trust whatever happens is what He intends to, but I will continue to follow my gut and my heart. I will pray till my knees hurt b/c not only does my nephew need me, my children need to see what trusting in the Lord “looks” like. The Lord commands me to teach up my children in His ways...

He who trusts in himself is lost. He who trusts in God can do all things. -Saint Alphonsus Liguori

A Meal for thought.

As sure as ever God puts his children in the furnace, he will be in the furnace with them. ... C. H. Spurgeon (1834-1892)

"Child neglect, which is 63% of all substantiated cases of child abuse, is the most common form of child maltreatment reported to child protective services. It is defined as a "type of maltreatment that refers to the failure to provide needed age-appropriate care," such as shelter, food, clothing, education, supervision, medical care and other basic necessities needed for development of physical, intellectual and emotional capacities. Unlike physical and sexual abuse, neglect is usually typified by an ongoing pattern of inadequate care and is readily observed by individuals in close contact with the child. Physicians, nurses, day care personnel, relatives and neighbors are frequently the ones to suspect and report neglected infants, toddlers and preschool children."


God Knows Best by John McLeod, from "Peace...be ever yours"
I wonder, friend, how often you have wept a bitter tear And asked: "Why is this happening to me?" "What step was taken wrongly to deserve this dreary fate, What action brought about this tragedy?" Only to find in time a vital reason for it all, And Faith you thought so steady put to test, To look back with such wonder at the workings of his hands; 'Dear Lord, Thy will be done, and God knows best.'
It happens to us all, we are so mortal and so weak All too human in our strange an earthly ways, Falling often by the wayside on our journey through this life Seeking light and fighting ignorance's haze. Truly friends, the help is there, for as ye seek so ye shall find And at journey's end how well you shall be blessed If you truthfully can say without a doubt within your heart Dear Lord, Thy will be done, and God knows best!

So I ask, where do I go from here? The answer is very plain to me. Look into those eyes and tell me you could turn your back. Ignorance is not an excuse.
-A

All things work together for His glory…

Yes, I am still alive! I survived the move…barely. :) I have bruises from unknown culprits, muscles aches from muscles I believe I was unaware still functioned and still so much to do! But I am grateful. I am grateful for my family and the home that we are creating. I am thankful to my loving, talented husband…he exhausted himself to the bone in a weeks time for our family. I am very proud to show anyone the tremendous job he did.

I know that over the weeks I have expressed how much of the time I struggle with understanding God’s will for my life. What is my purpose? Why did I go through what I did? And obviously the list goes on. I have accepted that I may never know the “exact” answer to that question, but I do know that God reveals to us tiny facets of answers only when we trust and have faith and when we don’t expect rewards or perfect answers.

I see His loving hand working in and through me in many situations now. I don’t look at what I don’t have, but what I do. When I am able to flip it around in that aspect, boy does that change my perspective.

I can’t go into too many details, but those close to us know what I am speaking of, within the last 24 hours our lives have changed again…I haven’t even unpacked the last box and a new set of challenges presents itself. But…it is okay. He has always provided for us even when we didn’t even have a clue as to how. He knows my everything. He will give us what we need, not what we “think” we want.

The peace that I am able to have now giving it to Him is a huge relief.

Psalm 139
1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

Love Never Fails

Love is patient, love is kind, Love does not insist on its own way. Love bears all things, believes all things, Hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. - I Corinthians 13:4-8

This will probably be the only post I post this week due to our “moving” week. Life is so very crazy, and it is so easy to lose sight. I know I talk about this a lot, but I guess we have seasons where certain issues are more prevalent. I think mine maybe an “extended” season if you will. :-)

I started reading the bible from the beginning about the middle of last year. I am currently in Corinthians. I have re-read 1 Corinthians 13 so very many times, but for some reason when I read it this time it just meant so much more. I took the time to really read it, and let it sink in.

As we entered our “new” home this weekend, I wanted to turn around and just say forget it. This is too hard. This sucks. Love is patient, love is kind. It is so much simpler to take the easy way out…or is it? As I laid my head down that night I thought through the evenings events, and realized how ungrateful I may seem to my God. It is a house…our family is what will make it a home. All of us together, working together, getting on each others nerves etc. Though certain things may seem “simpler” they are not always what is right. They may seem easier now, but the consequences of trying to take the easy way out will always come back or follow us. Love does not insist on its own way.

It is so difficult not to want to take control, b/c right now I really don’t know where God is leading each of us. It comes down to trust. Love bears all things, believes all things.

I need to remember that Chelsey’s blood work came back better…my kids are healthy, we have options, my husband still loves me. (today anyway!) Some things that are going on in our (extended family still) life that I cannot go into detail about, but just knowing this system sometimes just doesn’t work and innocent children become victims. But I refuse to give up on them. Hopes all things, endures all things.

I helped Kylee paint her room, and it was trying but fun. There were moments when me and her were on the ladder together, (scary I know) and I just smile at the memories we created. As this week continues to be stressful, crazy, and I am ready to yank my hair out or lose my temper I will remember this verse. At the end of the day… Love never fails.

Tomorrow, what will you do with it?

This will be ever so brief...i have studied till my eyes are now crossed. Lots of things running through my mind...life, happiness, sadness, hopelessnes...as we know the list goes on.

O how we muddle our lives...oh how some things will never make sense. For tomorrow is another day..what shall I make of it? Everyday begins anew, what will I do with it? Every moment someone around us needs us, will I be there for them? Life will happen again tomorrow, will I do something differently?

Don't let anyone define who you are, don't let someone elses choices become your own. God is the only one who will never let you down even when you feel so alone.

Psalm 30:1-3

I will exalt you, O LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave you spared me from going down into the pit.

To my husband- happy 10years...we have so much more to learn and grow. May our Father be our guide always..thank you for listening to Him all these years even when I know you didn't want to.

Be a blessing...

Progress...

Self-fulfilled prophesy. Do you know what that means? I have done it a lot in my life. I expect bad, dwell on bad, and ultimately the bad happens. I still do it, but I try to catch myself before I go too far with it, b/c it can be a cancer to me and those around me. We are all so blessed, but we lose focus b/c of our center of the universe is fixed on ME. Does that mean that I don’t have validated things going on? No, but if they consume me and I can’t see past them to anyone else it will lead me to sin even further.

At church today a man was baptized, but before that he gave his testimony. I felt that raw emotion. That gut wrenching, God help me, honesty. I remember that myself four years ago this month. I felt so close to my maker and the freedom it meant for all of those faccids I hid behind for years. I also felt that I don’t do that enough now…I need to. I need to be laying all of that is going on in my life at the altar and let God have the control.

As I have continued to bounce from 2 books by Max Lucado I am amazed at how much I tend to forget what was done for me. As I spoke to Anna today about some things that I struggle with I realized I am not alone. I have always had trust issues, and that I believe is one of the things that kept me from coming to Christ before. I have almost always been let down by parents, siblings, family, and friends. I have learned (not a good thing) to keep a certain amount of distance. It tends to hurt less. Or so my heart says…

I have nailed so many things to the cross…my drinking, my parents, anger, smoking...all the “big” ones to me. I started thinking today what do I move onto next? Three items came to mind: jealousy, envy, and yes again that little one called anger. Progress not perfection right??!

For years I believed that there was something wrong with me b/c I don’t have a ton of friends, very rarely have 1 close friend, and don’t really hang out with anyone but my intimate family. I berated myself, picked myself to pieces believing I was not worth the gum on the bottom of a shoe…damaged goods. I had to learn that God believed I was worthy and lovable. Can I even begin to tell you how unbelievably difficult that was?

Anyway my point is I have accepted who I am now. The good, the bad and the ugly. Now do I believe I don’t have much to work on? That would be an emphatic NO. I still have so much growing and learning to do, but one thing did change. I won’t compromise who I am to make anyone happy. I used to a lot, but for one I wasn’t good at it b/c I wear my heart on my sleeve, but also it made me feel very wrong and fake. I don’t go out of my way to approach people who are unapproachable. Some of that I do believe I need to work on b/c I can be a VERY unapproachable person, but for the most part you can tell when people could really care less what you have to say or think.

You can’t make everyone happy, and if you try you will die trying. The one who means the most is the one I need to be concerned with, and that one is God.

Micah 6:8
And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Celebrate :-)

Well another week gone by, and some good news…smoke free for 24 hrs today! I celebrate only for the moment b/c it has been anything but easy. Probably harder than getting sober if you can believe that! Only by the grace of God…Praise Him!

With studying now, working, and just trying to get prepared for our big move has been overwhelming obviously more times than not in the last month and half. I can tell b/t the stress of it all, and my body adjusting to not having the nicotine nerves are very frayed. Emotions have been on high, and I know the kids and andrew have felt it more in the last 2 weeks than the whole time…I realized the other night after I had studied pretty much non-stop every night I needed to regroup. Stop. Open the good word and refuel on His truths for my life.

Does that mean smooth roads? Not in this life time! But refocusing on taking one day at a time, one issue at a time, and letting God do the rest is all I can humanly do for today.
Only He knows what tomorrow will bring.

I came across something to ponder. Again by Max Lucado-

“In every age of history, on every page of Scripture, the truth is revealed: God allows us to make our own choices. And no one delineates this more clearly than Jesus. According to him, we can choose:
A narrow gate or a wide gate (Matt. 7:13-14)
A narrow road or a wide road (Matt 7:13-14)
The big crowd or the small crowd (Matt. 7:13-14)

We also can choose to:
Build on rock or sand (Matt. 7:24-27)
Serve God or riches (Matt. 6:24)
Be numbered among the sheep or the goats (Matt. 25:32-33)

How much more of a clearer picture do I need? We can never say we don’t have a choice…

Be a blessing.

So very selfish!

Well it has been a moment since I last wrote on here. As always my life is never boring! It has been stressful, eye-opening, and more understanding is always revealed if I allow myself to see it!

I found out in the last couple of weeks how slowly our system works even though the facts are staring so plainly in the face it may blind them, and seeing how SO many children are left in the wake of our “going by the book” methods. I have never felt so helpless and hopeless. I had to walk away and all I could think about was I know God loves these children, but why do they have to endure this pain and hardship? Hard one to explain to my children as well…

I have started back to school, I am also in the process of quitting smoking, we are moving in about 3 weeks, my job just moved locations today…do I need to go on? In the midst of this I have one get a way; I read. I have tried very hard to give my children the love of reading, and gratefully they do! We love to go to the library. It is something they look forward to so much that they remind me we are going that day at least 3-4 times! Anyway, I found a book that has been one of those aha moments, and a much needed read for myself.

It is “A Love Worth Giving” by Max Lucado. I have highlighted, taken notes like crazy in this book. Some food for thought and reminders that stood out I wanted to share. One is a something by the apostle Paul... “Selfishness is an obsession with self that excludes others, hurting everyone.” And following that Lucado says “Looking after your personal interests is proper life management. Doing so to the exclusion of the rest of the world is selfishness.” Ouch. For me, I know how selfish I can be sometimes especially when my whole world around me is utter and complete chaos.

I also know that I tend to focus more on all of the negative things in my life during this chaos, forgetting what God has done for me. He brought me up from the pit of hell, and gave me life. He has blessed me time and time again…do I deserve it? No, but He does it lovingly. Always welcomes me back when I turn my back on Him. What other person in our lives would do that time and time again willingly with no resentments, fears, untrust etc..?? None that I know of. Trying to get out of “self” is an everyday uphill battle. It is our human nature to think of number 1. That is how I was taught. I don’t want to teach that to my children.

Nothing in this life is worth holding onto… I thought long and hard about that the other day. All the things we gather homes, cars, clothes, jewelry, photos, the list goes on the meaning behind some of those items I get, but we put so much stock in those things “making who we are”, that the line is blurred on who we are serving. That brings me full circle to the question; “am I serving myself in all I do or am I serving others as Jesus did?” Does the world have to always revolve around me and what is going on in my life or can I take my eyes off me me me, and focus on asking someone else how they are doing? Or is there anything they need? As I type this I had another aha moment. One person I know I see almost daily always asks me how I am doing, and I almost always have something negative to say b/c of crazy life right now. What does that say about me? What does that say about my walk? Ugh…work in progress.

Ephesians 5:1-2 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Do I have a choice to get off this ride?? :-)

Another week gone by and so many emotions touched yet again. Fear and anxiety can paralyze me. It can trap me in an abyss of nothingness if I allow it.

Where does this come from? Well as most have read from my previous posts life is a roller coaster right now, but you know when isn’t it!? I guess right now it just feels more so.

We went to see my father in law last week, and he finally got the halo off! It was awesome to see him without that mangle of metal. It was a beautiful sight to see him with color on his face, and a smile to go with it! My kids laughed, and enjoyed time with grandpa, and that was wonderful to watch. Those are moments that are priceless, and make you realize the daily grind really is so unimportant in the grander scheme of life.

The house issue has almost in some ways drawing down to a close in the fact that we see progress in where we are “going to land” now in sight. I feel good, relieved, sad all balled up into one. I spent tonight going through a cabinet full of pictures and items from the kids from over the years. We have had to do a lot of purging this time around knowing we are downsizing considerably. I think that is good…hard, but good. I laughed, cried, and laughed some more with the kids over looking at how much my beautiful babies are no longer babies…

Looking at memories I realized we have been happy no matter where we are…that is what is important. I need to realize how so unbelievably blessed I am to have these wonderful children, and a husband who has been able to stick by me even when he shouldn’t have. I am trying to focus on knowing we are all in this together, and that is how we will make it through…with God as our guide...

Lastly as the week is drawing to a close my dear sweet daughter and her blood work. I went to get my hair cut by my lovely sister in law, and as she lovingly washed my hair (which I normally don’t want her to stop), the tears came again. I had taken Chelsey to Parkview, and the whole way to Anna’s my mind raced. Fears, dreads, what-ifs..I was making myself a nut case. I am grateful that it was Anna who was the one it happened with..(not sure if she was!). She said what I needed to hear…

Today I called the liver transplant coordinator, and to my dismay they elevated again….Fear, scared again. Chelsey’s GI doctor is out of the country, but will be back on Monday so she said they will make a decision than on what course of action to take. The may increase her dose of medication, which to most seems like nothing, but it is. The medicine that she takes is saving her life, but it is very potent. It can cause long term kidney damage, which could lead to diabetes or cancer. Anyway, please continue to keep her in your prayers.

Till the next adventure…
-A

Open the flood gates of heaven and let it rain…

Have you ever been vicariously walking through life, and even though every thing around you is insane and unknown…you are thinking "hey I can handle all of this right?" I have been though worse right?

Sometimes my strength is a huge weakness. I try so hard to be strong, b/c I have let myself be defeated with shame, guilt and failure so many times in my life that I do not like showing or being vulnerable. The problem is I can’t balance them. It is a positive to have strength, but vulnerability is what makes us reach out for help to others and most importantly to God. BALANCE…another one of those items that constantly evades me!

What brought this post on…well lets just go from the top! I started my day like any other. I got up, got the kids up, took them to school and went to my job. On the way to work my windshield wiper broke. Once at work, I had a plan as to how my day was supposed to go, well we all know how that works out huh? My kids only had a ½ day of school so why by 10:30 am did I get a call from the school?! My son (who can be overdramatic, no idea where he gets it) had stepped on something this weekend, and told me he thought it was a thorn, but he got it out. Well the secretary at the school had him down in her office with him complaining of pain and swelling. She proceeded to tell me if she was his mom she would be taking him to the doctor. Well, anyone who knows me, I was on the defensive, b/c it made me feel like a horrible mother.

Moving on. Came home to take him to Redi-Med, and good grief I think more than ½ of Ft. Wayne was coughing, hacking, and sitting in the waiting room. I spent the first 20 min dealing with insurance…what an unbelievable pain! My youngest daughter insisted that she come along, and after about 2 hrs she was done. I had to have my oldest daughter come get her…my son was complaining, and I felt like the room was shrinking and all these sick people were on top of me! We finally left after about 2.5 hrs and I was already spent, but I had 3 hungry kids, a dirty house, and had to go get my son’s prescription filled. That was another point where I wanted to just sit down and cry! Here we go again with insurance and bureaucratic BS and another hour of waiting!

I was beyond spent by time I actually got home. I have been trying to be strong knowing we are going to have to walk away from our house that I have spent more sobriety in than I haven’t. The house that me and the kids have been able to spend time painting, gardening etc. It hit me hard today. I know it is just a house, but it has become our home…I know that there are worse things in life, and they could be worse for us, but that doesn’t change the fact that it does hurt. I fell apart. The tears came, and the heart felt like it was breaking. I don’t think, after reflecting tonight, that it was all about the house. That is a big part, but knowing Chels is due back for blood work, at my job there are some things changing that make me nervous, I don’t know…it just all piled up, and the floodgates opened and it rained.

Thank God for my husband. We have been through more in 10 years of marriage than some couples have in 20 years, but he reminded me today the one thing or person that has always been consistent and gotten us through…that one is God. He has always provided even when we had no idea how…I know now more than ever I have to immerse myself in Him or I will drown. That scares me more than anything…

I have to focus on my blessings, on the things I do have. Sorry for the rant, but I had to get it out and re-focus. I have learned when I try to be super woman, and take it all on…everything falls apart b/c I am trying to do it alone. It is like a small child putting there hand on a stove, you pull them away and redirect. That is what God is doing for me.

I know the floodgates have to empty out, and that is okay.

Standing on the edge...

I have recently been reading another series written by Tim LaHaye (author of the Left Behind Series), and this one is Babylon Rising. It has been an enthralling series! I have read all 4 books in a month! Anyway there have been many issues and thoughts that have come from me reading books that make me look at life as it is instead of ignoring things I don’t want to see or deal with… (government, fuel/oil, policies, world leaders etc...)

Anyway I came across (to me anyway) two pertinent questions that honestly I think I needed to ponder. We as a society are becoming more and more accepting of just about anything, and I have to admit that I fall into that as well. I am not talking about racism or prejudice b/c I am completely against any of that talk…my children will not grow up with that ignorance and that is all it is. I am talking cults…witchcraft (Harry potter), fairies, tarot cards, psychics, astrology, Ouija boards etc. Now I never got into a lot of these things and I am very grateful, but many around me did.

I mean do I open the paper and look under my sign...well yes I have. Do I think it is a load of you know what most of the time? That would be a very big YES. I have learned whatever God has planned for my life will be with or without my consent!

Anyway, the two questions he asks are; “To what extent have I been exposed to occult-type philosophy? And two “how has it affected my thinking and daily life? These may mean nothing to anyone else, but they stuck out to me b/c things such as celebrating Halloween, and some things that I just found out with a little research on Easter…not about Jesus, but about the bunnies, colored eggs…etc. I think once your aware of something to do it just because is disobedience. I by no means am saying that anyone who celebrates Halloween is a devil worshipper! I guess when I look at the background of how it came about, and what it represents it makes it very hard to know that I am allowing my children to be apart of it. They know that they are not allowed to go as ghouls, devils…etc, but ughh where do you draw the line??

That is just my take…I just kept thinking after I read this when my children are older are they going to be even more accepting into the “worlds views” or what and who God is and wants them to do in their lives. I guess we all know what it is to worship or idolize something or someone, but even for myself I don’t think we know the depth of something’s until we really look at it, and ask those questions we really don’t even blink an eye at most of the time… Just a thought…

I just recently found out that two people that I was pretty close to are agnostic. I was disappointed b/c I know that the one was brought up in a Christian home, and I know she knows God, but she is very angry with where her life is…all I can do is pray that she will realize why she is feeling so empty.

Any thoughts on this are more than welcome.
-A

More to this life? (sorry long)

Random thoughts and real questions… The last few weeks I have thought time and time again there has got to be more to this life. Every time that crosses my mind I think of the song by Steven Curtis Chapman…there has got to be more to this life than living and dying, and more than just trying to make it through the day.

As I wake up to a new day I think to myself what does this day hold? Mostly it is the same routine. Shower, get ready for work, listen and referee the kids fighting before school, rushing out the door hoping I didn’t forget to shut off the flat iron, do the kids have their lunches..etc. As I drive my 25 min drive to my job many days I just stare out the window at the other cars wondering how their morning started out, where are they going and what is God thinking about us rushing around to the next thing?

The last two years have been a roller coaster with jobs, family and just trying to live each day doing the next right thing. I have battled everyday of my life just to have stability, and that is the one thing that constantly evades me. I have gotten better about putting many things into God’s hands, but I struggle immensely still much of the time.

With the husband getting a stable job I really thought everything else would just fall into line…again God had another plan for me. I decided yet again to try and go back to school for the 4th time. I really thought/think that I studied very hard in high school, and want to take my life and career in the direction of being able to use the skills and all of the mistakes and lessons to help others. I love the job I do now, and love the people I work with, but I have that constant tug of knowing this can’t be all I do for the rest of my life. Is that wrong?

I have taken the steps to put that dream in motion, and no more does the ink dry on my college application than we have the decision to make that we are going to lose our home no matter how we slice it. Even though there is income coming in we fell in a deep hole that the only way to fix that is to downsize. We also have the task of trying to keep our children in the private school that I feel is imperative to their futures, but because of the horrendous financial place we were for over 8 months, that now the decision is left in the hands of someone who only sees the bottom line…MONEY. Why…oh how I am struggling with all of this. Tooo much change and fears of the unknown.

We want to do what is best for our family, but that is going to be a lot of growing pains and change again. It is so hard to look at your kids and feel like you haven’t failed them. I know in the grand scheme of things that is not true, but tell my heart that when I see those tears streaming down my child’s face.

Have I lost sight of what is truly important? I just know that we spend 99% of our time trying to figure out how we are going to make it the next day. I feel myself, more so than not lately, feeling like I am sinking into a vacuum of despair wondering when are we ever going to have at least a month where we are not making life altering decisions. Or is this the way it is supposed to be? I know we can’t be the only ones, but honestly I haven’t found any other couples who are willing to admit to it.

Within the next week I take my daughter back for her blood work to see if the numbers have come down, and I can’t help but not wanting to run away…the direction things are going my fears are exacerbated. I know that what ever God has in store for us will be, and I know He has it all worked out…I just need to trust Him. I am trying…

Family? Huh?

Family? What makes a family a family? Blood? Born into? This has been something that I have been mulling over for about a week and a half. Obviously things have occurred to bring it to the forth front of my mind.

From my blogs and if you know me I know that most of you know how very dysfunctional my childhood was, and I grew up with my maternal grandparents, and aunts and uncles that were more like siblings b/c of our ages.

But now 2o some odd years later, both my grandma and grandpa are gone (the ones that raised me), one sister is in Nevada, one is in Decatur, and the brother is incarcerated. Aunts, Uncles, and cousins (maternal) cease to exist. They are really still living, but not involved in mine or my children’s lives. None of them. My father’s family wrote us off when my parents died. My only living grandparent is my father’s mom, and I do not know her. She has never seen my children...ever.

With all that it just makes a person sad to know that life is so short, and in my eyes we were created to be there for each other. Catch each other when we fall…Growing up with in my grandparent’s home we had people around all the time. Of course you had you constant blow-ups and storm outs, but hey whose family doesn’t?! We were always getting together for something, and nowadays…well either a birth or a death and you may get a card or a visit…. Are we really that consumed with our lives or that busy?

I keep thinking it is my job to reach out and say enough already, and if they reject me again than you know what I tried. But…pride is a killer. It sucks to have to always be the one to reach out, but if I don’t who will?

I realize now that I have created my own family with my husband and my kids…and oh yes my animals! I think God knew that my compassion for others b/c of the loneliness I sometimes feel puts me in a position to reach out to others, and be their family. Some of the people that love me the most are not blood related. Much of this is babbling b/c I am still in the great debate with myself over how to approach this next hurdle in my life. I also know you can have tons of family, and still be one of the loneliest people b/c of how “busy” everyone is now.

My best friends growing up were my cousins…I loved hanging out with my aunts and uncles…my kids again see theirs on holidays, birthdays, and deaths…Why is this??!! Do I need to do more?

Any thoughts???

-A

The tongue..ugh what a powerful tool.

Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. James 3:5-6

As I was journaling the other night, and reflecting on the day I began to think through what my many defects that I am struggling with are. Very first one that came to my mind was my tongue. I began to look up verses, and came across this one above in James...wow how powerful our tongues can be. Praise in one way, and curse out another!

A small spark, that is all it takes. I started thinking about all the things I say in a day without even thinking. That brought me to 2 Corinthians 6:3-4 We live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry. In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God.

Words that are spoken by the tongue can cut like a knife. The hurts that are imprinted on my mind from my childhood and beyond were things said to me. The physical abuse was hard, but the words were harder to let go of.

A situation that I was put into today was a perfect example. Without identifying the person it may be difficult. I had to take "someone" somewhere today, and they have children, and the person watching their children has children. So we are talking 7 young ears...all under the age of 6. If I could count the profanity that was uttered in a matter of less than 3 minutes, all aimed at or around the children, I couldn't even tell you.... I wanted to cry. My heart was broken for all of the children, but to be quite honest they know no different. So very sad.

With the situation that I speak of...right now my hands are tied b/c of reasons I cannot disclose. I am an observer of sorts, but it is killing me. My gut instinct is to take all of those children and run, but I have learned the hard way I can't. I have to follow others rules...all I can do is pray, and hope God will give me strength to not let my tongue get the best of me towards the adults. I have to keep the door open to be a small light for these children to see this is not all there is to this life.

I don't want to make my own children stumble b/c of my tongue, but I also know I am not perfect. I am not above sitting my children down and asking for forgiveness...i have actually realized that humbling myself to my kids shows them how to humble themselves and not let pride overpower what is right.

Having the knowledge that words can cut like a knife from first hand experience is the first step to knowing that I have a choice to try and do the best I can to control my tongue. Let everything that comes from my mouth be a blessing to God...even on a very bad day! Progress not perfection.

Thinking and kids...

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 8-9

As I read tonight, this verse stood out to me. I believe since being saved the Holy Spirit convicts me. My heart is not always there, my mind is not always open, but if I give Him a chance He is talking to me. Even when I am not He finds a way to get my attention!

I actually had a pretty good weekend, but there is a underlying gnawing feeling that I can't quite shake. I have some ideas of what is weighing heavy on my heart, but until I stop and listen I will not be able to move forward.

My children are my life, and I know now that making sure that they grow up as children after God's own heart is much of job of mine. I remember reading in Job a verse that flipped my thinking, but also provided insight to me. He prayed for forgiveness of his childrens sins. That had never even entered my mind before. I found that profound to ask for forgiveness for a sin that I had not committed, but that showed me that Job loved his children enough to take them to God with whatever he was dealing with in the context of his childrens sins as well.

I would be a fool if I wasn't honest and said somedays i feel like i have failed terribly with my kids. I know on the outside people would say I am too hard on myself, but in some ways I know my children are paying for my sins of the past as I have paid and sometimes continue to pay for my parents sins. It can get overwhelming if I over analyze, which I do alot, but i also know ignoring it or saying it won't be my problem in a few years...well really is just not an option for me.

I monitor (or try) pretty much all that would potentially fill my childrens heads. From music, TV, books to people I try to make sure that they don't have volumes of negative or suggestive things going in at a rapid pace, but unfortuantely as I am sure we all can relate, when you have teenagers who believe they know it all, and we are just overly anal, than we begin to see a dissension in the ranks for a lack of a better term.

I feel sometimes I enable, overprotect and so on b/c I truly don't want them to make the same choices I did. But I also know that b/c of the lack of protection and love I didn't get, I tend to pour it out on my children in some way trying to make up for what I didn't have. Unfortunately that usually tends to backfire. I see adults in their late 20's, early 30's with parents still bailing them out, making excuses, and taking responsiblity that is not theirs to take. Awww where is the happy middle??!

I know that we all go through this, and all things always work themselves out, but I am worried, scared, and that hurts to say it, but I am. I have really good kids don't get me wrong, but am I raising kids that will be perpetually afraid and untrusting to the outside world? Somedays I know that is yes, and that is a direct reflection of my own thinking. No matter what anyone says our kids watch, immitate, and soak up all that we are and do. There is many occasions that I see that and smile, and there are others where I just want to curl up and cry.

I have to be able to let go some of that trying to control b/c if I don't they will be hindered as they grow. A work in progress as I always say...

Rambling again.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (NIV)
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.